Lindsay Lohan's F**k List: Where Are They Now?

Image via Complex Original

Date of Fucking: 2004-ish.

Pre-Fuck: Was starring in the hit TV sitcom That '70s Show while establishing a movie career with "classics" like Dude, Where's My Car?

Post-Fuck: A mishmosh of forgettable films—including playing the legend Steve Jobs—and TV shows, but also marrying (and impregnating) Mila Kunis.

During the alleged time that they hooked up, Ashton was riding out the success of That '70s Show (which Lohan had a cameo on), as well as hosting the well-received MTV prank show Punk'd, all the while trying to establish himself as a "serious" actor. While he's never really nailed a role that's made him be considered more than "dude who used to pull jokes on people while wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat," one has to imagine that one of the perks of being in young Hollywood is being in the good graces of Lindsay Lohan... or at least close enough to get lit and get naked with. Keep in mind, this would've been about a year before he wifed Demi Moore, so chalk it up to sowing your oats before settling down with a real one. [Editor's note: Who he later divorced.]

Date of Fucking: Spring 2007.

Pre-Fuck: Starred in Cruel Intentions, Married/Divorced Reese Witherspoon.

Post-Fuck: Has Been in a Bunch of Not-Super-Memorable TV/Movies. Got a Tattoo of Sean Price.

Circa 2007 reports about the brief fling Lohan had with Sebastian Valmont (gov name: Ryan Phillippe) paint many different pictures of their time together—from Lindsay not being into him (other than sex things) and just thinking he was hot (because homegirl has eyes) to that calling him constantly and being head over heels for dude. Philippe has since been in a weird hodgepodge of roles from MacGruber, his directorial debut Catch Hell, to a recent return to television. On the romantic front, Phillippe was linked to Abbie Cornish (allegedly the reason for his divorce), model Alexis Knapp (who had his child in 2011), and law student Paulina Slagter (who he’s engaged to!). 

Date of Fucking: Summer 2006

Pre-Fuck:  Is a Greek Shipping Heir, Dated Mary-Kate Olsen, Paris Hilton.

Post-Fuck: Still a Greek Shipping Heir.

As an ex of two of the most famous women of the early aughts—one half of the Olsens’ and Tinkerbell’s famous mother—it’s not super surprising that Niarchos found his way into Lohan’s bed. The two were paired on and off throughout 2006 and 2007, which maybe not so coincidentally coincided with her falling out with former BFF Paris Hilton (this culminated in the infamous firecrotch video). As of 2011, Niarchos has been dating Australian model Jessica Hart, usually culminating in Daily Mail reports of their glamorous jet setting around the world. It’s rather unclear what Niarchos actually does: he studied film at USC and skateboards. Frankly, he seems like he’s settled down from his Hollywood days. Well minus that bar fight he got into in 2012 with the Prince of Monaco. 

Date of Fucking: N/A

Pre-Fuck: Dated Theodora Richards, Is Rich.

Post-Fuck: Still Rich, Owns an Art Gallery in L.A..

P.C. Valmorbida is like Ryan Rottman on this list: it’s incredibly difficult—if not entirely impossible—to find the receipts of him and Lohan together. But it’s highly likely that they’ve ran in the same circles. The Australian entrepreneur and art-world bro used to date Theodora Richards, whose sister Lindsay took a "lesbian selfie" with in 2014, according to Perez Hilton. So why not? There’s not a ton of info of what P.C. is up to today. He opened Prism, an art gallery in LA, in 2009, that’s still open today—well by appointment only.

Date of Fucking: Possibly During Joaquin's I'm Still Here Phase.

Pre-Fuck: Dated Human Women.

Post-Fuck: Fell in Love With a Computer. 

While Lindsay and Joaquin Phoenix hooking up seems super "of course," there's little to no evidence linking these two romantically other than, like, fame—which honestly seems to be enough of a common thread for every other celebrity pairing, no matter how odd (think Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, who are truly a modern mystery). Maybe they fucked in the bathroom at a Vogue party, or maybe hooking up with Lindsay Lohan was part of Joaquin's performance art phase (which is thankfully over for more Paul Thomas Anderson fare). Possibly they hit it off and shit just fizzled out. Either way, way to get it, girl.

Date of Fucking: A Total Mystery, but Probably Sometime in the Mid-2000s, when the Heights of Both Lindsay Lohan and the Pussy Posse Overlapped.​

Pre-Fuck: Founding Member of the Pussy Posse, Lesser Version of Leonardo DiCaprio, Weirdo Kid from Mars Attacks.​

Post-Fuck: Still Reeeeeally Hanging onto the Pussy Posse Thing, Still Definitely Lesser than Leonardo DiCaprio.​

Aside from this list, there's literally zero evidence that Lindsay and Lukas Haas fucked—they've never been in the same gossip story together, let alone a photograph. But the thing is, even if Lindsay never listed out her hookups dick by dick, you'd just ASSUME she had sex with someone from the Pussy Posse. Their apexes—when they owned the club scenes in L.A., NYC, and anywhere else—were just too close together. If you're famous and famously wasted enough, and you go to 1OAK that frequently, something's bound to happen. That's just math. And for those of you saying, "OK, but there were like 50 guys in the Pussy Posse, it could've been any of them," come on, grow up. Leo and Tobey were always out of Lindsay's league, I don't think Lindsay likes redheads, so Kevin Conolly's out, and there's no way she was hitting Ethan Suplee. It had to have been Lukas Haas. (OK, fine, you could totally convince me that Lindsay also banged David Blaine.)   

Date of Fucking: Spring 2013-ish

Pre-Fuck: Was the Hot, Brooding Guy in Scream 4, Starred in Fox's The Following​

Post-Fuck: Now, is Hot, Brooding Guy on Younger, Came Out as "Sexually Fluid"

Of the men on this list, Tortorella and Lohan seem to have been friends for a long time, including right before her May 2013 stint in rehab where she joked on Instagram that Tortorella was proposing (so maybe that’s it?). In 2014, Lohan posted pics of Tortorella on her Instagram, yet again, of the pair prepping for a dinner party that included his on-off girlfriend Bethany Myers. Tortorella now stars as the hot love interest of Sutton Foster on TV Land’s Younger (also starring Lohan’s rival for Aaron Carter’s heart Hilary Duff) and recently said he’s "sexually fluid" much to the delight of anyone with a pulse. 

Date of Fucking: Sometime Before 2012. 

Pre-Fuck: That Movie Sleepover.

Post-Fuck: Got Engaged to Emma Roberts, Who Beat Him Up.

I heard that you like the bad girls honey, is that true? Before dating Lindsay Lohan Lite Emma Roberts, Evan reportedly got with Lindsay Lohan herself. No one's really sure when this happened, but Peters got with Roberts in 2012, so we're guessing sometime before that. Was it perhaps right after American Horror Story premiered? Because that seems to be the time when everyone collectively agreed that Evan Peters was suddenly very, very hot. Gone were his Sleepover days. LiLo snatched him right up.

Date of Fucking: July 2010

Pre-Fuck: "Bad Boy" English Rugby Player

Post-Fuck: Three-Day-Older "Bad Boy" English Rugby Player

When the only item on your vagenda is to bang famous, rich party boys in a specific age bracket, your quest will eventually take you overseas. Enter Danny Cipriani, who went on two dates with Lohan in 48 hours and then, apparently, never again. His Close Encounter of the Lohan Kind wasn’t enough to make Cipriani want to improve his image, but getting hit by a bus during a pub crawl three years later apparently did the trick. That didn’t stick, either, though: Last June, he drank two espresso martinis and a glass of champagne with breakfast and crashed his Mercedes into a taxi. Maybe he was the one that got away after all.

Date of Fucking: 2012-ish (maybe)​

Pre-Fuck: Fourth Generation Restaurateur​

Post-Fuck: Fourth Generation Restaurateur Who Has Slept with Lindsay Lohan​

When the only item on your vagenda is to bang famous, rich party boys in a specific age bracket, eventually you come across two unrelated famous, rich party boys with the same last name. Maggio and Danny aren’t family, and it’s not even completely certain who met Lindsay first; E! notes that Lohan and Maggio may have hooked up after the amfAR Gala held at Cipriani Wall Street in 2012, although Lohan also returned in 2013 and has been spotted at the family’s London outpost numerous times over the years. Wherever the deed went down, one thing is for certain: When your dad "canoodles" with Tara Reid, your attraction to Lindsay is pretty much destiny.

Date of Fucking: 2006 (peak Lindsay)

Pre-Fuck: Oscar Winner and Nominee. Dated Claire Forlani, Alicia Silverstone, Heather Graham, SCARJO.

Post-Fuck: Faded from Hollywood A-list in the Late Aughts Before His Sicario Comeback. Dated Catherine Keener, Kim Stewart​.

The sleepy-eyed character actor has a history of hooking up with starlets at the height of their It Girl-dom. See: post-Clueless Alicia Silverstone in 1996, pre-Lost in Translation Scarlett Johansson in 2004, and of course, a still-employable Lindsay Lohan in 2006, fresh off of hits like Herbie: Fully Loaded and Mean Girls. (Interestingly, it was also 2006 when Lindz scrawled that infamously vulgar phrase about ScarJo on a bathroom stall in an NYC bar—coincidence or nah?). Benicio and Lindsay were first spotted "looking cozy" together while she was also linked to singer Ryan Adams, though her rep at the time denied both rumors, saying, "She's not dating either of these wonderful men." Smooth. In 2011, Benicio had a child with ex-flame Kimberly Stewart, progeny of Rod Stewart and occasional fling of Scott Disick.

Date of Fucking: 2009-ish

Pre-Fuck: Hockey Player for the New York Rangers​.

Post-Fuck: Retired Hockey Player​.

There’s not a specific date about when hockey player/vague entrepreneur Aaron Voros fooled around with Lohan, but judging from a Page Six report from 2010, it seems like stuff went down between the two in 2009. A year or so later, Lohan threw a fit at a fashion party that Voros and then girlfriend Jessica Stam were at. She threw a drink on Stam and then tried to get them kicked out, shouting about how Voros was her ex (god bless Lohan). Now, Voros is a retired hockey player and is married to an artist who owns a restaurant in Brooklyn. 

Date of Fucking: Sometime in 2004 (officially)

Pre-Fuck: Playing Fez on That 70's Show and the World Famous DJ Keoki in Party Monster.

Post-Fuck: A Serious String of Forgettable Shows and a Low-Key Classic Reality Program About Cracking on People's Moms, aka MTV's Yo Momma.

Call Wilmer whatever you want, but homeboy was kind of a player when it came to the young women of Hollywood. For the longest time, the rumor was that Lindsay and Wilmer were dating for a lot longer than the public knew, because she was underage and he was like 24 at the time. But once she was legal, she moved into his house like it was nothing. Their 'ship didn't sail on too long, though, and the second single from Lindsay's debut album Speak, "Over," is said to be about Lindsay's breakup with Wilmer. Homeboy seems to still have a thing for the younger Hollywood ingenues because Demi Lovato just broke up with him after years and years together. 

Date of Fucking: Spring 2006

Pre-Fuck: Dated Kate Moss.

Post-Fuck: Dated Sienna Miller, Takes Photos on Instagram.

Jamie Burke was a model bad-boy sex object for the equally wild girls between the years of 2006 and 2007. He dated Lohan, Kate Moss, Courtney Love, AND Sienna Miller within that time period. Burke, with his long hair and wide hats, was sort of like a Justin Bobby-type, and he and Lohan were seen kissing at eternal L.A. hotspot The Ivy, clearly a place you would never go to be photographed *deep sarcasm.* But it got him on the map, he was profiled in Teen Vogue! Now, Burke still seems to be modeling (at least on Instagram) and dabbling in photography. And as of seven weeks ago, he married fellow hot person Mila de Wit-Burke. Mazel! 

Date of Fucking: 2006

Pre-Fuck: Dated It Girls Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller, Probably Shooting His First Film Marie Antoinette.​

Post-Fuck: Got Involved With the Ultimate It Girl (Kate Moss) Before Becoming a Certified Creep, Starring in The Fall and Fifty Shades of Grey.​

Turns out Jamie Dornan wasn't really doing anything before getting it on with Lindsay Lohan. They reportedly had a fling circa 2006, the same year he landed his very first acting role as the hot dude Kirsten Dunst cheats on Jason Schwartzman with in Marie Antoinette while frolicking around to The Strokes. The vapidly handsome Dornan went on to date other It Girls (before marrying his current wife, singer-songwriter Amelia Warner) and now sits on a shitload of money thanks to his role as Christian Grey in the 50 Shades franchise. Did LiLo up his profile? There's no scientific evidence, but we're not saying she didn't.  

Date of Fucking: Possibly 2008

Pre-Fuck: Was Named Zac Efron.​

Post-Fuck: Still Named Zac Efron.​

Wow, Lindsay Lohan couldn't even bother to spell Zac Efron's name correctly. Does that mean this fuck was as meaningless as that Bret Easton Ellis nonsense The Canyons? Possibly, possibly *detective emoji*. If they really did hook up circa the first High School Musical (2008) as rumors have it, then that means Zac met Lindsay at one of the worst times in her life. Unfortunately, Zac Efron is totally enjoying the career that Lindsay Lohan deserves right now. So sad. Both Zac and Lindsay are totally underrated as acteurs, both deserving of prestige roles but unable to completely shake off their pasts in musically-inclined teen comedies (High School Musical and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, respectively). But Lindsay Lohan was ruined by the tabloids in a way that Zac never was, even though she could totally lead a buddy comedy or two in 2016.

Date of Fucking: Presumably mid-2000s. 

Pre-Fuck: Successful Film Career, Fucked Models​. 

Post-Fuck: Burglarized by the Bling Ring, Still Fucking Models​ (and Katy Perry). 

Unlike numerous other high-celebrity dudes who took time out of their busy schedules to refute claims that they'd ever fucked Lindsay Lohan (*cough* James Franco *cough*), as if this were somehow anything close to The Worst Thing Ever, Orlando Bloom managed to keep his fucking mouth shut. If I had to guess, this celebrity pairing probably happened around 2006 (you ever notice Bloom always seems to sweep up beautiful women while they're peaking?). Incidentally, both were burglarized in 2009 by thirsty teens who have now become affectionately labeled by the media as the Bling Ring. Wouldn't it be fun if court hearings drove these two into the throes of passion? Sadly, it just threw him into the arms of Katy Perry (at least for now). 

Date of Fucking: January 2008

Pre-Fuck: Doing Things With NSYNC and Then Bringing Sexy Back on His Own.​

Post-Fuck: *Acting*

Justin Timberlake is probably the most famous man Lindsay Lohan has had sex with. Though not as well-documented as his relationship with Cameron Diaz or his marriage to Jessica Biel, here is one salacious and weirdly precise headline: "Justin Timberlake Lindsay Lohan Sex One-Night Stand January 2008." This busted website is the only one that comments confidently about the Lindberlake relationship: "According to an explosive scoop from Star Magazine, the bisexual vamp has been dishing dirt about seducing the attached 'SexyBack' star into a one-time intimate encounter last January to pals around Hollywood for months." An insider is quoted saying they did it on the couch, another detail we didn't ask for but… Thanks.

Date of Fucking: N/A

Pre-Fuck: ????

Post-Fuck: ????

Brian from GPA remains a mystery and is more than likely a civilian not a celeb. GPA could stand for a number of things, but at the time the sleuths at E! thought perhaps Lohan actually wrote GPH, which stood for Gramercy Park Hotel. Maybe a bit of bellboy action? Alas, sadly Brian @ GPA has never come forth, so we’ll never know. 

Date of Fucking: N/A

Pre-Fuck: Producer, Director

Post-Fuck: Director of James White, Starring the Guy from Girls and Kid Cudi.

Mond seems like a left-field choice for Lohan, but it still makes sense. He’s a producer and director of lauded indie fare like Martha Marcy May Marlene, so they linked up to talk shop, perhaps after the flop that was I Know Who Killed Me (which is terrific!) so that Lohan could get some much-needed indie cred, and things blossomed from there. Mond directed last year’s indie hit James White, so maybe Lohan should hit him with an "u up" text. 

Date of Fucking: 2004

Pre-Fuck: Hard-Partying Irish Actor on the Cusp of Superstardom.

Post-Fuck: Sober, Father of Three, About to Be in the Harry Potter Spin-Off​.

Farrell was on quite a tear in the aughties, living large off of that Alexander money and allegedly entertaining what The New York Post once deemed the "Bimbo Summit:" Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. Lohan and Farrell supposedly shared a magical night at the Chateau Marmont after meeting during Farrell's gig as SNL host. A reported run-in at the Chateau six years later tells you all you need to know about how this fling ended: after they spotted one another, Lindsay apparently downed vodkas with her mom while Colin exited through a side door. While Farrell certainly had demons to rival Lindsay's, as of late, he's been having a mini-resurgence. 

Date of Fucking: 2008

Pre-Fuck: One of Hollywood's Most Beloved Actors, Had a Child with Perfect Human Michelle Williams.

Post-Fuck: He Died Super Tragically :( 

Heath, damn. We probably needn’t remind you that Heath Ledger was one of Hollywood’s beloved gems, one of those actors who made you feel all the things and gifted us with what will likely go down in history as the most lit Joker of all time (sorry Jared Leto, but no one’s here for your used condoms and anal beads, you sick motherfucker). A diary entry obtained by upstanding paper of record Star Magazine in 2011 reportedly revealed that Lindsay Lohan was dating Heath at the time of his death. "Today Heath died," Lindsay reportedly wrote on Jan. 22, 2008. "I’m in love with him… He was the love of my life." To be fair, who among us wasn’t?

Date of Fucking: N/A

Pre-Fuck: An Extra in The House Bunny.

Post-Fuck: A Couple Episodes of 90210 and Recently Filmed a Movie with Ansel Elgort and Kevin Spacey. 

There’s no paparazzi pictures, gossip reports, or social media interaction (other than she follows him on Twitter, he does not follow her) indicating that Rottman and Lohan have ever had sexual (imagine saying this like "sesssual") relations. In a rather #dark turn, the closest thing linking them together, other than that they are both actors (*extreme Jenna Maroney voice*), is that they both got DUIs and got off pretty cleanly. He was linked to both Brittany Snow and Victoria Justice, so it’s highly likely the two have crossed paths, but we’ve got no receipts. He’s continued to play a generically handsome guy in a myriad of teen-centric TV shows and just filmed the Billionaire Boys Club co-starring teen heartthrob (and ballplayer) Ansel Elgort, about a group of dudes who set up a get rich scam in the '80s. 

Date of Fucking: 2012

Pre-Fuck: Part of The Wanted, a Boy Band I Guess?

Post-Fuck: Oh Boy, Max George's Career Has Been Bleak.

Between 2012 and 2013, the gossip mill was obsessed with Max George and Lindsay for some reason. I can't fully understand it, but I think some of the fervor was driven by the fact that everyone knew they were fucking, but both George and Lohan refused to admit it. The boldfaced lying sort of created this need for confirmation, and it just went on and on and on. So anyways, yeah, this whole thing was very annoying. And really, it just makes me wish Lindsay's promiscuous years had overlapped with One Direction's peak. Harry Styles definitely would've been down.

Date of Fucking: August 2011

Pre-Fuck: Bassist for Coldplay

Post-Fuck: Still the Bassist for Coldplay

Guy Berryman falls into a previous Lohan fuck category of they probably boned a couple times, but the paparazzi said that Lohan was basically stalking him. After the Coldplay bassist was going through his divorce, Lohan was ready to pounce, allegedly showing up backstage at shows at UCLA and Lollapalooza. If Lohan was backstage, I think it’s safe to assume they smashed, right? Or at least Lohan smashed someone in that band. Berryman is still a bassist in Coldplay, still has a weird earring, and is now engaged to someone half his age!!!

Date of Fucking: Never, claims James Franco.

Pre-Fuck: Semi-Decent Actor, Tolerable Person.

Post-Fuck: Self-Described Artist/BFF to Seth Rogen.

Hypothetical question for you: If the opportunity presented itself, would you fuck James Franco? If the answer is yes, congratulations. You are possibly Lindsay Lohan. If the answer is no, then you are either a cis dude or lying. James Franco is an objectively attractive human being. He is sus as hell sometimes most of the time, but he’s got charisma. What was neither charismatic nor attractive was coming for Lindsay Lohan after the list leaked and then writing some kind of meta fan fic about their time together. I guess the takeaway here is: Don’t fuck James Franco. Or do, so you would have the IRL opportunity to tell him to stop making movies based on William Faulkner novels. 

Date of Fucking: If you ask Adam, never.

Pre-Fuck: Being the One Guy You Recognize from Maroon 5.

Post-Fuck: Being the One Guy You Recognize from Maroon 5, and Being on The Voice.

While Lindsay claims that she wrote her infamous fuck list as a part of her 12-step recovery, Levine went on the Howard Stern Show to deny that he ever touched that girl. He was known as a womanizer, but apparently he never smashed Lindsay. Why is there a discrepancy between their stories? Who knows. Maroon 5 got popular some time in 2002 (we're not sure why THAT happened, either), so there has to be some time during Lohan's heyday that they at the very least crossed paths. Hopefully Levine wasn't hooking up with Lohan before she was of age, like some of the other people on this list are rumored to have been.

Date of Fucking: Probably 2007. 

Pre-Fuck: Telling His Teammate to "Be Perfect" in Friday Night Lights.

Post-Fuck: Tron: Legacy and About 10 Movies Only 10 People Saw​.

VICE described Hedlund as "famous for being really, really good-looking," which is cool if you’re a model, but probably annoying if you played Captain Hook in a reimagining of Peter Pan alongside actual model Cara Delevingne. And maybe doubly annoying if you also made the bold choice to play a Mormon virgin opposite Lohan in Georgia Rule, which is when we’re guessing the alleged banging allegedly took place. Hedlund’s rep told E!, "I told InTouch that was completely not true and they chose to run it anyway. They worked in a film together. That's it. So annoying!" Team Garrett Hedlund: perpetually annoyed.

Date of Fucking: 2007

Pre-Fuck: Literally No One Knows You. 

Post-Fuck: The Guy Who Fucked Lohan in Rehab. 

While it says Riley S., it has long been assumed that it is actually Riley Giles. He’s the dude that Lohan boned in her 2007 rehab stint and in truly classy fashion, he gave an exclusive interview to News of the World about their constant sex times at Cirque Lodge. Of course he gave salacious details about how Lohan looked naked and their frequent sex, which, yeah, probs true. I’d like to wager what’s not true is when he boasted that "Lindsay was insatiable. She’d demand sex again and again. We’d go at it for hours. She’d have worn out most guys." MOST GUYS? Yeah, ok sure, sex god Riley Giles. As for today, Giles is nowhere to be found. 

Date of Fucking: 2009

Pre-Fuck: Model

Post-Fuck: Model

Petey Wright was a model that Lohan co-starred in a "Johnny Depp and Kate Moss" inspired photo shoot and vague performance art video for Muse magazine in 2009. So basically, it’s just them rolling around in various states of undress, gloomily smoking, and making out. Not mad at it. If you are in a casual photo shoot situation with someone, the next logical step is to go to the bone zone right? And that’s where Lohan and Wright went (at the Chateau Marmont no less) immediately after their photo shoot. As for today, Wright appears to still be modeling and now dabbling in music.