Happy Valentine's Day: The 8 Most Dysfunctional Couples

Image via Complex Original

TV Show: The Sopranos

Why They Don’t Work: Because Tony couldn't keep his dick in his pants (also, murder)

When it comes to King and Queen of the Dysfunction Ball, Tony and Carmela Soprano have to be at the top of the heap. Throughout the excellent run of HBO’s The Sopranos, we saw the heads of the Soprano family go through numerous bouts of fuckshit, most of it dealing with Tony’s issues. Forget the fact that he became the head of a powerful Jersey organized crime family; dude was also all about that mistress life. His power brought in a bevy of beautiful women, and Tony stepped out at will. While Carmela soon got sick of it, that was the middle of their relationship—their separation was bookended by years of Tony cheating, and her just accepting it as a way of comfortable life. Sure, some religions and families get down like that, but holding in all of that animosity and hatred for the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with manifests itself in unhealthy ways.

Mr. and Mrs. Soprano fought constantly, a lot of the time while Tony’s girlfriends were blowing up the Soprano house phone. It’s one of the most toxic relationships ever depicted on television. And yet when they were together, everything was as right as rain. Remember Carmela’s father’s birthday party? When Tony went above and beyond to give the old man a splendid occasion, even if he didn’t live there? That time spent in the pool (then all over the bedroom, HEY-YOOOO!) highlighted the love they truly felt for each other, even if their roles meant that they had to deal with the nonsense that Tony would put on them “because I’m a don.” That might sound like a great life, but The Sopranos taught us that lying to your lover (and yourself) can be super detrimental. —khal

TV Show: The Americans

Why They Don’t Work: This couple is actually a pair of KGB spies. 

In a post Sopranos and Mad Men world, I’m glad to have The Americans, a drama that follows a seemingly average American family, the Jennings family, in the early 1980s. We quickly learn that the parents, played by real-life couple Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell, are actually Soviet sleeper agents. While this premise is interesting enough on its own—the Cold War and the secrets the Jennings must keep—there's another layer to the drama. The show is essentially about marriage and family, and we spend the first three seasons watching to see if Phil and Elizabeth can move past their past and create some sort of real, truthful relationship. For one, Elizabeth's loyalties to the mother country are very black and white while Phil's aren't so clear. It's a constant source of anxiety for the couple, who spend three seasons committing murder, sleeping with other people, and adopting other identities to deceive the Americans. It's why they are dysfunctional. Can you be honest with one another when you spend your life deceiving everybody?

But they are also incredibly sexy and efficient together, and a scene in the season two premiere, which shows their daughter walking in on them 69ing, is a moment where I realized that the show is at it's best when they're close (physically, too). Their best missions are when they work as group, putting on their wigs and fake personas to get a certain job done. It's a little twisted and certainly screwed up, but the role play aspect of it all makes it that much more enticing. It's a mystery whether the Jennings can make it as a couple, but there's no doubt that watching them try is a wild and hot ride. —Eric Eidelstein

TV Show: Hannibal

Why They Don’t Work: They murder people on the low 

One of the dynamics that made Hannibal so interesting was the low-key homoerotic relationship between the man himself and his eventual protégé, Will Graham (Hugh Dancy). For the horror creeps among us, no relationship captured our attention quite like the twisted tale of two gay murderers raising hell together while perfecting their human liver pâté and red wine pairing. Perhaps it’s not too much of a surprise these two immediately hit it off, as Graham—an FBI homicide profiler with an innate talent for empathizing with high profile psychopaths—found himself connecting to and with Hannibal (Mads Mikkelsen) long before pinpointing his identity. If you’re capable of empathizing with a serial killer, appreciating the art of the murder scene left behind, and can stomach some lit roasted appendage while its victim dines at your table, what’s really left to keep you two apart? Who better to complete you than someone who is for all intents and purposes your exact match?  

The key to why this couple is so dysfunctional originates in their first not-so-chance meeting. Will was working a case for the Chesapeake Ripper, later identified as Hannibal, a serial killer with a penchant for harvesting the organs of his victims to broil and serve them to unwitting guests at elaborate dinner parties. Seeking out the killer’s last known medical practitioner for answers, Graham is led to straight to Hannibal. The rest, as they say, is history.

If these two ever actually consummated their fucked up obsession with each other, I’d be totally here for it. But what I almost expected was for Graham to give into his blood lust and go full Killer Will, embracing their mutual love for mutilating bodies on some pseudo-sociopathic romance shit. That is, before their ambiguous murder-suicide off the edge of a cliff brought this great gay love story to a screeching halt. Here’s to hoping they bring Hannibal back (eventually) because I for one am not ready to let go of the promise of this totally messed up albeit enthralling romance. —Catie Keck

TV Show: The O.C. 

Why They Don’t Work: Oh, Jesus Christ. Where do I even begin? 

Something you learn real quick watching The O.C.: Marissa Cooper likes running away. It’s her only coping mechanism—well, besides mainlining vodka. When she caught Luke grinding away in Tijuana, she ran off to die in some alley. Anytime she came upon drama, she got TF out of there, just as people were like, “NO I CAN EXPLAIN PLEASE DON’T GO DRIVE DRUNK INTO THE TACO BELL NEAR THE PIER.” So unproductive, Marissa. Anyways, that kind of person just isn’t built for relationships. But god bless his soul, Ryan Atwood tried. He tried, man.

Marissa was bad news from the start, almost immediately getting Ryan’s ass beat (and therefore allowing Luke to drop the bar of a lifetime—“Welcome to the OC, bitch”—on his head). But Ryan persisted. He burned down a house, he threw and took some punches, until finally Marissa was all his. Happily ever aft—oh wait, now Marissa has a drinking problem, and a stealing problem, and she met some fellow psychopath named Oliver. During that entire Oliver saga—the height of The O.C., if you ask me—Marissa totally dogged Ryan. On New Year’s Eve he was like, I kinda wanna keep it low-key, since you know, YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC. And Marissa coldheartedly responded, “Alright, have fun jerking yourself off. I’ma meet up with this guy who will later take me hostage.”

And that’s all just Season 1! 

We all know where it went from there, and how it ended: Marissa went lez briefly, had a fling with a dude who committed suicide, shot Ryan’s brother, who also tried to rape her and then kill Ryan, in the back, and then started dating a villain… the same villain who eventually killed her. And through it all, Ryan was there, trying to make a DOA relationship work. He should’ve hit the bricks the second he saw her run from her problems that first time. But he was too honorable, and all he got to show for it was the privilege of carrying Marissa’s lifeless body down the street as a truck went up in flames. —Andrew Gruttadaro

Film: Love Me If You Dare

Why They Don’t Work: They fuck up everyone's lives based on dares and then bury themselves in cement because romance

IRL relationship goals: healthy, stable, supportive. Film relationship goals: batshit crazy, bordering on psychopathic, eventually life-ruining. Stable relationships in cinema are boring AF, which is why it's more fun to watch romance of the would-die-for-each-other variety when it comes to the screen. It's likely you slept on Love Me If You Dare, a 2003 French film starring Marion Cotillard and her still real-life bae Guillame Canet, but don't let the 44-percent Rotten Tomatoes rating throw you off. This is one of my favorite rom-coms of all time. 

Cotillard and Canet play Sophie and Julien, who have been close friends since childhood. Ever since grade school, they've been taking turns daring each other, first starting out with totally silly children's games (like saying dirty words in class, peeing in the principal's office, etc.), but the dares ramp up as they get older and border on life-ruining—life-ending, even—like standing on train tracks blindfolded, framing each other for robbery, casual dares like that. After the dares get to be too much, Sophie and Julien separate and lead normal lives without talking to each other for 10 years, but because batshit crazy people are meant to be together, they get bored by their mentally stable spouses and find each other again. But instead of finally getting together and just DATING or whatever, they do the unthinkable to stay together forever. SPOILER ALERT: They bury themselves in cement. Now they will never be apart. Swoon. —Kristen Yoonsoo Kim 

Film: Star Wars

Why They Don’t Work: Mostly, because Han is trash (and their offspring is evil) 

Is anyone surprised Han and Leia ended up divorced or separated or whatever the term is in space? The sexual tension was palpable through A New Hope, and their first kiss in The Empire Strikes Back was so necessary. But let's not forget that Han Solo was a trash man, which is almost a given for a movie from the '80s/ever. Princess... I'm sorry, General Leia is waaaaay too bad to let that shit fly. The Force Awakens may have chalked up their split to the grief of losing Ben Solo to the Dark Side, but you know Han's high-key sexism was a significant factor. 

So why am I endorsing this highly dysfunctional couple? Because they made Kylo Ren, dog. Dude is the most captivating villain since grandpa OG Darth Vader, and we've only gotten a fraction of his story. Thank gaaaaaaawd for Han and Leia making it all possible. And since Kylo upped and killed his pops, she doesn't have to shoulder a reconciliation attempt. That's a win win right there. —Ian Servantes

Film: Heathers

Why They Don’t Work: They get off on murder, basically

Veronica Sawyer and J.D. (uhhhhh does he even have a last name) are peak #dysfunctionalgoals. The pair, who are brought together over a love of slurpees, corn nuts, and hating on their idiotic classmates, have a seemingly blissful first couple encounters. I mean, who doesn't want to bone after a game of strip croquet? But after they murder, then stage, the "suicide" of Veronica's best frenemy Heather Chandler, things really go off the rails in the most murdery way possible. As their body count grows, things really go haywire and before you know it, this hot couple (Right? So hot!) are fighting to the death in the boiler room. You know that Veronica had to realize early on that J.D. was a crazy dude, but being dickmatized happens to the best of us—just usually without the mass killing aspect. —Kerensa Cadenas

TV Show: Breaking Bad

Why They Don’t Work: Walter's Meth Empire 

If we’re keeping it funky, not too many people dug Skyler and the way she acted towards Walter White in Breaking Bad, primarily because they forget what she was being forced to do. It’s hard as hell for people who are more on the morally “right” side to sit by as their cancer-ridden husband is becoming a literal meth kingpin. Skyler was caught out there—she’d found out that her husband had a very real countdown on his life, and in an effort to take care of his wife and kids in his impending absence, started making and selling drugs. It turned into a web of lies, one that would cause enormous bouts of conflict between Walt and Skyler, ultimately driving them apart…for the good of their kids.

It’s hard to side all the way with one or the other. Yeah, Walt was slinging dope in those streets and had a lot of blood on his hands, but his wife was also out there smoking during her pregnancy and carrying on with Ted Beneke. And if we’re being completely honest, it’s not like Skyler didn’t have a knack for making up some jacked up tales about Walter’s money and where it came from. Together they were toxic af, and Breaking Bad highlighted that sometimes, you need to just make a clean break, no matter how much love is there. —khal