Image via Complex Original
It was hot as hell this July, which is a sign that we're getting closer to Hell on Earth. With the year now more than halfway over, we're left with even less hope that our souls will be saved before the world ends—the headlines spell it out plainly. Thankfully there's still time to laugh, shake your head in shame, or just be utterly disgusted by the 25 Most Ratchet News Stories of July. It's rough out there, folks.
Written by Julian Kimble (@JR316).
RELATED: The Most Ratchet News Stories of March, April, May and June.
California Man Arrested for Hosting Teenage Beerfest at His Job
Date: 7/3/2012
He was chasing those dreams of high school hook ups, no Meek Mill.
Florida Man Robs 7-Eleven Because He Can't Get Satisfaction
Date: 7/5/2012
No, he wasn't a Stones fan. He was just a guy who wasn't getting enough sex. So he decided to rob.
Arizona Mom Arrested for Giving Toddler Beer in Public
Date: 7/6/2012
In Europe, no one would have said anything. #socialism
Man Who Broke Into Diddy's Mansion Did Far More Than Just Chill
Date: 7/7/2012
C'mon—if you broke into his crib, you think you'd just chill? Nah, B. You'd do more than just chill.
Learn About the New, Tasteless Trend Sweeping Through the UK
Date: 7/8/2012
It's funny because the Brits would say that we don't have taste. But we didn't start a trend where horrible dudes take photos of the women they've just hooked up with while those women are asleep.
North Carolina Man Threatens Cops After Demanding Paris Hilton and Pizza
Date: 7/9/2012
Dude went Falling Down and demanded an heiress. King.
All I Feel Is Fireworks
Date: 7/10/2012
A message to humans: Do not explode fireworks near your genitals.
Woman Ruins Son's Chuck E. Cheese's Birthday Party
Date: 7/12/2012
An early incubator of ratchet behavior is a ruined birthday. It also helps if you're born to a ratchet momma.
Michigan Woman Kept Dead Boyfriend's Body in House for 18 Months So They Could Watch NASCAR Together
Date: 7/12/2012
Truuuuuu love.(That was six Us for the folks keeping track at home.)
Woman Trades Newborn for Used Truck
Date: 7/13/2012
Wouldn't it make more sense to trade a newborn for a new truck?
This Ohio High School Student's Summer Vacation Just Got Ruined
Date: 7/16/2012
Just another chapter from the life of a teenage drug kingpin. Someday he'll tell his kids about how he used to get it in Ohio...
A Broken Item Brought a Swift End to This Florida Couple's Relationship
Date: 7/17/2012
She broke his bong. And his heart.
New Zealand Prostitutes Destroy Public Property with Pole Dancing
Date: 7/19/2012
Isn't much to add here. Except to repeat that, yes, this is real.
Philly Area Woman Escapes Arrest By Fleeing Crime Scene Topless
Date: 7/20/2012
Can someone find out why this doesn't happen all the time? Thanks, bye.
Georgia Woman Calls 911 Because She Didn't Like Her Mugshot
Date: 7/20/2012
Someone needs to get her mugshot to those airbrush joints at the mall—they'll do wonders with it.
Oregon Man Breaks Into Homes for Private Viewings
Date: 7/24/2012
You really need to evaluate your life if the only way to get your rocks off is to wank in the homes of strangers to porn DVDs. Will someone get this guy the Internet?
18 Cops Rescue Doll from River
Date: 7/26/2012
Obviously, this wasn't a regular doll. Obviously, they weren't regular cops. No, it was a sex doll. And they were bad cops.
Las Vegas Man Arrested for Using Toilet Bowl Lid in Threatening Matter
Date: 7/26/2012
Not only was it threatening, it was sad. So damn sad.
"Black Madam" Charged for Philly "Pumping Parties"
Date: 7/27/2012
Just another entry in the children's book on the dangers of butt injections.
Nigerian Wives Kill Their Husband with Sex
Date: 7/27/2012
Note that it is a single husband. One downside to having multiple live-in partners is that they can fuck you to death.
Swedish Man Arrested for Inappropriate Love of Sheep
Date: 7/28/2012
By "inappropriate" we mean that he fucked them. The sheep. He fucked the sheep.
California Women Thrown from Party Bus During Fight
Date: 7/30/2012
"A tragedy on a party bus" is how all ratchet stories begin and end.
Australian Man Hospitalized After Placing Fireworks in His Rear
Date: 7/30/2012
And with this tale of woe, July goes out with a bang. Always protect your nuts.
