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In addition to directing your attention to douchey bars, great strip clubs, and cheap Chinatown eats, City Guide also likes to keep you neck-deep in the horrible shit the world produces each and every day. Here are the 20 most ratchet news stories from March, tales to make you shake your head like a Polaroid picture. Or disgusted human.
On-Duty NYPD Officer Gets DUI After Attending Party for Slain Officer
Off-Duty DUI
Date: 3/2/2012
Kicking things off, here's an NYPD officer fucking up.
Drunk Man Tries to Free Girlfriend from Jail with Loaded TEC-9
Ride Or Die
Date: 3/2/2012
After listening to every Ja Rule and Ashanti collabo, he grabbed the TEC, now sure of what to do...
Police Officer Saves Woman From Jumping Off Bridge With Child (Video)
Street Jump
Date: 3/3/2012
Remember Third Eye Blind's "Jumper"? Real life is just like that song, but with more bad-ass cops.
Girl Scouts Robbed in Front of Texas Wal-Mart
Unforgiveable
Date: 3/5/2012
Out of all the people in the world, why rob the Girl Scouts?
Black Cartoon Princess Sells Watermelon-Flavored Candy
Doomed To Repeat It
Date: 3/6/2012
It's hard to type when you have your face shoved so deeply into your own palm. Just read this story and find out.
Mother of Four Ran Million-Dollar Prostitution Ring in the Upper East Side
Uptown Prostitution
Date: 3/6/2012
The most popular hustle in the Upper East Side isn't what you think it is.
Michigan Woman Continues to Collect Welfare After Winning $1 Million Lottery
Really?
Date: 3/8/2012
If you'd won the Mega Millions, would you still be on welfare? Take some advice from this Michigan resident.
McDonald's Removes French Fries From Its Dollar Menu
Sign of the Times
Date: 3/9/2012
By "sign of the times," we mean the apocalypse.
Jeremy Lin Has Rick Ross-Approved Marijuana Named After Him
Rozay Approves
Date: 3/10/2012
Probably the most unforgivable thing Lin has done was to forsake this, a product approved by the biggest boss we've seen thus far.
Houston Teens Destroy $500,000 Home After Seeing "Project X"
Life Imitating Art
Date: 3/14/2012
Full of such enviable image, Project X demanded copycat parties. In a world full of morons, anyway.
This Anti-Obama Bumper Sticker Is Shockingly Racist
Bullshit
Date: 3/15/2012
A reminder about where our country stands in 2012.
Men Skip Tab by BASE Jumping from 55th Floor Bar in Australia
Show Offs
Date: 3/15/2012
A master class in one-upmanship. Thanks, guys. Now we'll always feel like jackasses when we do regular things like pay for a bar tab.
Florida Strip Club Recruits High School Class of 2012
Barely Legal
Date: 3/15/2012
A strip club made an offer that was relatively easy to refuse for this high school graduating class.
Undercover Cop Busts 12 Students in High School Drug Sting
Jump Street
Date: 3/19/2012
Just like 21 Jump Street but with real crime and less laughs.
California Woman Sentenced to 6 Years for Killing Her Son With Meth-Laced Breast Milk
Meth Milk
Date: 3/21/2012
If you know of a worse news story that occurred in March, please let us know. We want you on our team.
Paraplegic Girl Bungee Jumps From Wheelchair in British Columbia
Y.O.L.O.
Date: 3/21/2012
This was the only time we found it acceptable to use the acronym Y.O.L.O. in the month of March.
"SMUGLER" License Plate Leads to Easy Drug Bust
Real Clever
Date: 3/22/2012
As a drug smuggler, why would you out yourself to the police with a vanity plate?
See the Los Angeles Bunker Where Hitler Planned to Run Nazi Empire
Hitler's Bunker
Date: 3/22/2012
Hitler: Just another reason why L.A. should be officially change its name to La La Land.
California Ninjas Rob Medical Marijuana Delivery Man
Ninjas? Ninjas
Date: 3/27/2012
Medical marijuana delivery dudes take note: Cali ninjas are coming for your product.
Girl Attempts to Have Sex with Tree at Music Festival, Tree Not Having It
Tree Hugger
Date: 3/28/2012
Sometimes, you drop the wrong drug at Ultra Music Festival, and you become enamored with a tree. Like, you want to fuck that tree. Or, at least, that's what outsiders infer from your actions. Really, no one knows what's going on inside your ecstasy-lit brain.