Image via Complex Original
Much of May spelled out what the Mayan calendar reports: 2012 is indeed the end times. We've got cannibalism, piss, and death at the strip club. Yes, it's that time of the month. Here are the 25 most ratchet news stories of May 2012.
The Greatest Grandparents
Date: 5/1/2012
When the folks caring for you are a bunch of drunks, you wind up in situations like this little girl. Her grandparents got twisted and then hitched her Hot Wheels car to the trailer of an SUV and took her for a spin. Joy riding at its finest.
He Just Doesn't Care
Date: 5/1/2012
Is there a better way to say "fuck you" to your school than by pissing on $36,000 worth of laptops? This 11-year-old surely doesn't think so.
God Tatted on Her Face
Date: 5/2/2012
It's a story you hear all the time: person gets out of jail and takes to stalking the corrections officer they developed a crush on when they were in the clink. This story takes a different turn, probably because the stalker has the word "God" tatted on her face.
Forced to Dance to Usher
Date: 5/3/2012
An Ohio deputy forced the inmates in his care to dance to music by Usher. What songs did he use? If he didn't play "My Way," he fucked up.
Lightning Strikes
Date: 5/4/2012
Lots of people are afraid of lightning. But after being struck in the balls by lightning, this man will always have an air-tight reason to fear the thunder and flashing lights.
First-Grader Suspended on Grounds of Sexual Harassment
Date: 5/5/2012
What does it take for a first-grade student to get suspended for sexual harassment? Just some song lyrics. Can you guess the artist he quoted to get suspended?
"Can You Hold This?"
Date: 5/6/2012
Parents are supposed to help their children. Of course, the worst thing in this life is that you don't get to choose who you're born to. This sad story out of Utah, which involves a mother helping her daughter send nude pictures to her boyfriend, won't give you much confidence in the world.
Filling Buns
Date: 5/6/2012
Are you some kind of visionary if you sell hand jobs and hot dogs from the same van? That's exactly what this woman did. And how does capitalism repay her? Find out.
Once Got Busy in a Mickey D's Bathroom
Date: 5/8/2012
God bless World Star for this hysterical video of a teenage couple coming out of a McDonald's bathroom in NYC after a long sex session. The manager of the fast-food giant has the best lines about the fornicating youngsters. She shames them properly.
"Sorry, We Thought You Were Your Dead Twin Brother."
Date: 5/10/2012
No, it wouldn't be traumatizing at all to be arrested for a crime committed by your twin brother, who has been dead for years. You'd probably Kanye-shrug that off, then go back to your daily routine, just like this guy from Tennessee did.
Hiding Behind a Badge
Date: 5/11/2012
In one of the most despicable moments of May, this cop claimed he didn't realize that the woman he kicked in the stomach was nine-months pregnant. Will justice be served?
Caught Red-Handed, and with a Full Belly
Date: 5/14/2012
This Japanese teacher was caught with upskirt photos. But he had one way out, and it involved eating the SD card. Save the babies.
Children on a Biblical Scale
Date: 5/15/2012
That man right there has 30 children. How does that happen? Read on, if you can bear it.
Cause of Death: Lap Dances
Date: 5/16/2012
One Texan went out in the fashion of a king. He died in a strip club, the victim of too many lap dances. Wait—did we say too many? We meant just the right amount.
When a Butt Injection Goes Wrong, It Goes Wrong in All the Worst Ways
Date: 5/17/2012
If this horrific tale doesn't dissuade you from getting a butt injection, nothing will.
Is This Your Marijuana?
Date: 5/21/2012
No one has claimed the weed left floating in the Pacific Ocean. We hear it's worth $3 million. Is it yours?
A Lesson Learned at the Laundromat
Date: 5/21/2012
These idiot parents tried to teach their child a lesson, but instead of using a blackboard and chalk, or a pointed personal anecdote, they used a washing machine. Find out the rest here.
"Can I Have My Drugs Back, Please?"
Date: 5/21/2012
This might be the stupidest story of May. One incompetent criminal left his bag of drugs in a Pennsylvania grocery store, and tried to retrieve them from the police station where they wound up. Can you guess how this story ends?
Special Filling
Date: 5/22/2012
In the month of May, revenge was a dish you forced your enemy to eat. This high school horror story involves a bake sale that goes horribly wrong when some sperm shows up.
Red and Black Coffee
Date: 5/22/2012
If you have a sensitive stomach, please ignore this. But for the curious, we humbly present the tale of an angry maid, and the lengths she went to to get revenge. It involves a cup of coffee and certain fluid that you wouldn't want to find in your coffee.
Streets Is Watching
Date: 5/22/2012
This member of the NYPD made his presence felt trying to intimidate some Brooklyn residents. Thing is, they captured his hostile, spittle-flecked rant with a cell phone. This is the real life Bad Lieutenant right here.
The Super Soaker Shotgun
Date: 5/23/2012
Picking up the burner usually means something more than hoisting a Super Soaker; one California resident has changed all that—by combining the two.
A Memorial Day Weekend to Remember
Date: 5/29/2012
Actually, the woman driving the car that caused the damage you see above probably doesn't remember shit. Because you have to be plastered to drive your car through someone's house.
The Miami Face-Eater
Date: 5/30/2012
Unless you've been living under a rock (which might be the safest place, all things considered), you must know about the Miami face-eater, the man who might've been high on bath salts who ate a homeless guy's face. While the homeless guy was still alive. Grisly stuff.
Maybe We Have Lost Detroit
Date: 5/31/2012
The temperature in the D continues to drop. This time it's an argument over who prepares the best Kool-Aid that led to a tragic shooting. Damn shame.