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T.S. Eliot famously wrote that "April is the cruelest month." Somehow, when he wrote that, he was not thinking of turning humans into empanadas, arresting 6-year-olds, or drinking hand sanitizer. Somehow, all of those things happened this month.
Keep reading for the 25 Most Ratchet News Stories of April.
Big Worm
Pushing Weight Out of the Ice Cream Truck
Date: 4/11/2012
Master P and Big Worm would be so proud.
Sweeney Todd
Empanadas Stuffed with Warm Human Meat
Date: 4/16/2012
This real-life Sweeney Todd is twice as demonic and far less marketable.
Porno Discovery
Man Discovers that Wife Is Cheating After Catching Her in Porn
Date: 4/18/2012
A lesson is learned, but the damage is irreversible.
Sitting in Shit
Child Forced to Sit in Her Own Feces by Teacher
Date: 4/18/2012
Shitty days at school scar children for life.
Suicide on Skype
Committing Suicide on Skype
Date: 4/19/2012
This is what happens when advances in technology allow us to share even the most horrific moments.
Coke Diet
Drinking Coke Everday Is a Bad Idea
Date: 4/20/2012
However you like your coke, too much of it will kill you.
Drive-By Groping
A Drive-By Groping
Date: 4/21/2012
Could this be a "Wonton Soup"-inspired dare? We pray to Based God that wasn't the case.
Penguin Theft
Drunk Man Steals Penguin
Date: 4/22/2012
This story is infinitely better than The Hangover II.
Pissed
He Pissed Off the Cops By Pissing On Them
Date: 4/23/2912
Cops get pissed off whenever they get pissed on, especially when removing drugs from your dick.
Drunk Off Hand Sanitizer
Gone Off That Purell
Date: 4/24/2012
So, kids are drinking hand sanitizer. What will they think of next? We're afraid, we're very afraid.
Shooting at Gun Safety Class
A Gun Safety Class Goes Horribly Wrong
Date: 4/24/2012
The best argument against private ownership of guns.
College
Frat Bros Discovered Tied Up in Frat House
Date: 4/25/2012
Only Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn & Co. could make the stinging sensation of hot sauce in your wounds funny.
6-Year-Old Arrested
Cuffing a 6-Year-Old
Date: 4/25/2012
In this state, a temper tantrum is no different from robbery—everyone is getting cuffed.
Stabbing Your Baby
Woman Stabs Her Baby in Front of Social Worker
Date: 4/25/2012
Why would she do that to her child?
Heart Attack Pt. II
An Unsurprising Event at the Heart Attack Grill
Date: 4/25/2012
A woman has a heart attack at the Heart Attack Grill. Just another day in America.
Kidney Failure
Donating a Kidney Will Get You Fired
Date: 4/25/2012
Your job really is out to screw you—just ask this woman who donated a kidney to help her boss.
Rebel Flag Dress
The Case of the Confederate Flag Prom Dress
Date: 4/26/2012
Even at prom, the South will try to rise again.
Hooker Steals Diamonds
Prostitute Robs John of Jewels
Date: 4/26/2012
Dude did not make out like Richard Gere after hooking up with this working girl.
Sunlight Diet
Woman's Sunlight-Only Diet Does Not Work
Date: 4/27/2012
This new diet won't be catching on. Because it kills you.
Speeding to Sex
Man Arrested for Speeding to Get Sex
Date: 4/28/2012
You know the Rick Ross/R. Kelly collabo about driving fast through life? This dude knows all about it.
Dentist
Scorned Dentist Removes Her Lover's Teeth
Date: 4/28/2012
Piss of your dentist (who happens to be your ex) is a bad idea. You know why? This is why.
Dildo to the Head
Cop Catches a Dildo to the Head
Date: 4/29/2012
Men should only be intimidated by women's sex toys when they're used as actual weapons.
Michigan Superhero
A Trailer Park Superhero Catches a Case
Date: 4/30/2012
He's not the hero his trailer park deserves, but he's the one they need. Or something like that.
German Nympho
German Serial Nympho Strikes Again
Date: 4/30/2012
Thanks to her, two German men understand thirst on entirely new levels.