The Five Stages of Grief Every Knicks Fan Experienced After J.R. Smith and Iman Shumpert Advanced to the NBA Finals

Image via Complex Original

The first thing any Knicks fan (or any fan of the game) is asking themselves, is how.

How is J.R. Smith, a man who is notorious for throwing wild airballs, currently nailing clutch three point plays? How are J.R. Smith, and Iman Shumpert, both of whom floundered so much in their last two seasons in New York, thriving so much in Cleveland? How can J.R. Smith, a man who was traded for basically nothing, end up as an instrumental part of the Eastern Conference champs? It doesn't make sense.

We can sit and argue for days about who the better superstar is—Melo or LeBron—but there's just...there's no way that J.R. and Shump are that much better playing with No. 23 than they are playing with No. 7. The Knicks aren't that toxic…right?

Oh really, J.R.? You're going to do us Knicks fans like that? First, you and Shump pull off an alley-oop slam for your first game as Cavs in the Garden. Then, you shade us with some passive-aggresive Instagram?

Listen, J.R., Cleveland wasn't there for your slumps. Cleveland wasn't there for your nightly bottle service antics. They definitely weren't there for your shoelace shenanigans. Same for Shump and his own trials on the orange-and-blue. Here in NYC, we had to suffer for a NBA team that could hardly beat their D-League counterpart, and you get to shine with Cleveland on a run to the title? We were there for you, and you spit in our face like that? You know what, we don't want your type of selfish play in the triangle anyways. Right, Phil…?

Listen: J.R., Shumpert, we know you were hurt when you were traded off to Cleveland. Sure the complete lack of bottle waitresses allows you to better focus on the game, but that also means no bottle waitresses. You know the venues out in the Meatpacking District are missing your presence, Mr. Smith.

Oh, and Shumpert, isn't your girlfriend still living in NYC? You probably miss her a lot don't you? Please, just come back. We'll do everything in our power to keep you happy. You want to wear absurd hats? Melo's already set the standard here in the Knicks locker room. You want to freestyle over the loudspeaker at the Garden before, and after every home game? You got it.

Shumpert, if singing Pharrell's “Happy” is the only thing that will make you…well, happy—then us Knicks fans will make it happen. Now please, just come back home.

We can't believe that J.R. Smith and Iman Shumpert get to go the Finals. We imagine the only person who feels any worse about this is Carmelo Anthony. It's not just that Iman and J.R. heading to Cleveland was like Krillin and Gohan having their “potential unlocked” on Planet Namek, it's that they actually have a shot at winning the title. It's just unfair.

Phil Jackson was supposed to deliver us to the promised land. Are the Knicks really that cursed? It's not any easier to look at our bench, which will surely look completely different at the top of the 2015-16 season. Not only can the Knicks not lose properly—they can't even get lucky in a draft lottery that caters to terrible play! Excuse us while we go back to putting bags on our heads during home games.

You know what guys? Forget what we said earlier, you deserve this win. We can't stay mad at you.

The moment LeBron bought his ticket back to Ohio, it was clear that he had the patience to mold his hometown team into a title contender. J.R. and Shumpert have proven that they're quality players that deserve a spot next to LeBron and Kyrie on the Cavs.

Sure, we're sad—just ask Twitter. But for all the heartbreak, we know that you really did enjoy playing on the Knicks (even if we had some of the worst records in franchise history). We'll always remember you fondly. Just make sure to credit all that celebratory cooking to Lil B, you don't want the Based God's Curse set on you. That's probably why the Rockets are about to lose the Western Conference Finals...