What Your Sneaker Choices Say About You

There was a time when everyone who was anyone had a closet full of white-on-white Forces. Then Baron Davis signed with Reebok, Dame Dash bought PRO-Keds, and the world moved on. Well, most of the world anyway. There's no denying that the classic white-on-whites go good with anything, and they remain a summer staple, but damn man, try something else for once. Diddy won't mind.

You haven't skated since you hung up your Toys R Us-bought Variflex back in '89, but that doesn't mean you can't look the part - a closet filled with Authentics and Eras speaks to that. Too bad that kid from Odd Future bit your whole style. Maybe it's time to expand. You know, to Chukkas and Sk-8 His.

Nike Air isn't a choice, it's a necessity. Ever since Jordan started putting the Jumpman on everything, you've had to rely on your ever-diminishing stock of originals and pre-2000 retros. And even seemingly perfect retros aren't good enough - the cut of those VIIs is totally wrong, and did the original white/black/red IIs have that piping? Didn't think so! February 6th can't come soon enough.

Paying retail prices for sneakers is for suckers. So many styles drop on any given day that there's always something on sale somewhere. But while this approach is admirable, it's all too possible to be too obsessed with the good deal. Slow down, take a deep breath, and put the skippies back on the clearance table. Time to re-assess.

Your shoe game took an unexpected turn to the not-so-narrow path that is New Balance, but you wouldn't change it for the world. As a matter of fact, you even lace your young ones with matching kicks so they can be just like Pops. The only thing you and your wifey disagree on is 50 shades of grey, because frankly, for you, there is only one shade of grey (and blue) that matters.

Wearing a suit every day is something you've dreamed of since you were old enough to read Glenn O'Brien - and "bespoke" to you doesn't have anything to do with Air Force 1s. But hey, you're still a fun guy. Just because your suits are from Saville Row and your soap is from Paris doesn't mean you have to wear hardbottoms all the time. And just because you use the #menswear hashtag in every tweet doesn't mean you won't wear the latest Lunar Knit Woven Free TZ joints with damn near everything. What, they still match.

You've got a closet full of shit that was only cool for a week but you've got the shit that drops this week well in advance. Word to your connect, for keeping you ahead of the other 100,000 people that wore the exact same outfit today.

Most people don't like your sneakers. Heck, on some days YOU don't even like your sneakers. But that's not what matters. What matters is you're wearing something completely different, something that would make Lil Wayne say "HELL no" and make Jeremy Scott say "who designed THOSE?" Taking stunting to a level that Evel Knievel wouldn't recognize.

Advances? What's that? Converse added Chuck Taylor's name to the All Star in 1923, and for you, that was that. No further progress necessary. What more do you need? You know the places you can cop for $25 a pair, and if you need to be different, hey, Converse started making Chucks in different colors and materials way back in the '70s. You're good.

There you are, decked out in the whole 'fit, from the latest signature joints to the sweat-wickingest apparel that's a full gram lighter than last year's thanks to NASA engineers and new polymers invented in zero gravity. Every single technological advantage is yours - and you couldn't put a rock in the ocean. The answer is no, no you can't.