Watch or Washed: What's on TV This Week?

Verdict: Washed

When: Mondays at 10 p.m.

Where: NBC

Why: Look, I don't mean to pile on Katherine Heigl—Shonda Rhimes has that covered—but things don't look good for her and her new show. State of Affairs is so clearly picking up touchstones from some of pop culture's recent successes it's distracting. Last week's premiere took less than five minutes for Heigl's Charleston Tucker (Yes! Her name is actually Charleston, and people seriously call her that!) to go full Carrie Mathison, bodying drinks and bringing home a random to bang. The shot following this self-destructive sexual encounter is a cringeworthy close-up of a glass of white wine, Carrie's drink of choice. Why must you welcome this criticism, State of Affairs!? The Homeland comparisons are the easiest to make, but State of Affairs also has a palpable desire to be the next Scandal. So far though, the show is just plucking from its predecessors—not improving on them.

All that said, State of Affairs isn't that bad for an NBC drama—there was a genuinely thrilling sequence in the premiere where Charleston (nope, still unforgivable) pulled off some high intensity shit with the help of Saul Berenson​ James Remar's character—but that's not an encouraging measurement of quality. And while I'm tempted to just say "Watch" and tell you to stick with the show for a few weeks to see if it finds its own legs, the realist in me knows that isn't going to happen, and I don't wanna waste your time like that. —Andrew Gruttadaro

Verdict: Washed

When: Mondays at 8 p.m.

Where: FOX

Why: Holy identity crisis, Batman! Well, this being a prequel series and all, Batman's not actually around to save his city—from being one bonafide mess of a show. He's only 12, his parents have just been murdered and Jim Gordon, the detective who in two decades will be worn down enough from the fuckshit to readily accept help battling mobsters and lunatics from a guy wearing expensive tights and a cowl, is our protagonist instead. No shade to the homie Ryan Atwood, but the welcoming to Gotham City has been as disorienting as a right hook from a douchebag water polo player.

Quite simply, this show isn't so much washed as it is lost. It aims for Tim Burton high-camp by way of some truly goofy villains—Balloon Man, anyone?—while trying to ground itself in Nolan trilogy grit via gang wars and The Dark Knight's escalation themes. One moment bodies are dropping in Italian restaurants like this is Boardwalk Empire, the next Gordon and Bullock are chasing a Saturday morning cartoon bad-guy-of-the-week, and in between is some of the most heavy-handed #foreshadowing dialog that tends to plague many a prequel so. There's a good show in here somewhere. The cast, specifically Donal Logue, and dual scene-chewers Jada Pinkett Smith and Robin Lord Taylor are having a blast; the Wayne murders have been lightly retconned into an interesting conspiracy, and the class war themes have been much more effective than the mob wars.

Hopefully by season two these crazy kids will have their formula figured out, motherfuckers judge new series too early nowadays, anyway. But as of right now, your boy is looking crazy for getting gassed off of a promising pilot. Skip Gotham until your friend who never quits on any show tells you it got its act together. —Frazier Tharpe

Verdict: Watch

When: Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m.

Where: ABC

Why: Right out the gate, critics started to compare Black-ish to The Cosby Show. Oh hey, another perfect black family defying all of America's favorite stereotypes about black people! Thing is, it's a bad time to be comparing anything toThe Cosby Show, and Kenya Barris, while a fan, has re-imagined black life in a world where being "black" can often be difficult to define.

"It bothers me sometimes that it's considered a black show,” he told Urban Daily. “Modern Family is not a white show. We’re a show that we’re proud to have a predominantly African-American cast, but it’s a family show. I think that’s where the comparisons should stop. As much as I love The Cosby Show—it’s something that we grew up on, it will always stay with us—I feel like we set out to do something different. The Cosby Show was about a family that happened to be black and we wanted to do a show about a family that was absolutely black.” —Lauretta Charlton

Verdict: Washed

When: Sundays at 9 p.m.

Where: Showtime

Why: "It's getting better." "It's not as bad as Season 3." "It's still good when it's good."

You don't watch Homeland these days, so much as justify sticking with it. But after four seasons of let-downs, miscalculations, and outrageous plot twists, maybe it's time to just let this one go. Sure, Season 4 has finally rid itself of Brody (only to bring him back in nightmarish redux). And, yes, the writers have shifted the focus to the Middle East (only to make Carrie a drone-crazy maniac). So now that things seem to be moving in a (slightly) more coherent direction, do we keep giving Carrie the benefit of the doubt? After yesterday's rocket propelled ending, I say throw in the towel. At its best, Homeland is exciting, edge-of-your-seat TV. But at this point it's just too little to late for me to care. —Nathan Reese

Verdict: Watch

When: Tuesdays and Thursdays

Where: YouTube

Why: It's cute, it's funny, it takes the lesbian subtext of the 1872 Gothic vampire novella Carmilla and completely blows it up. An update on the tale by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, the web series follows an adorably naive college student named Laura (Elise Bauman) as she tries to uncover the reason for the disappearance of an increasing number of her peers. Little does she know that her angsty, nocturnal new roommate Carmilla (Natasha Negovanlis) is at the center of all the madness. Bloodsucking, heavy sexual tension, creepy college co-eds (not in the porno way)—it's got everything you didn't know you needed.

The web series is 33 episodes in, but with each episode running no longer than five minutes, you don't have to carve out half your day to binge-watch. —Tara Aquino

Tune in or tune out—that's the question.

American Horror Story: Washed

Shark Tank: Watch

The Newsroom: Watch

The Missing: Watch

Reign: Watch

The Walking Dead: Watch

Sons of Anarchy: Washed?

Homeland: Washed

Supernatural: Watch

Peaky Blinders: Watch