Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: "The Bachelor" Power Rankings, Episode 8

After this week, only two contestants remain.

February 26, 2014

Blank pixel used during image takedowns

This week, The Bachelor is a two-night affair, which features the combined excitement of hometown dates and a “Top 3” visit to the Caribbean island of Saint Lucia. While in an island paradise, JP spends his time gallivanting about with his shirt off, and it looks like he’s on a steady diet of whole milk and raw buffalo meat. The guy is yoked-out and he means business.

But before Juan Pablo can try to persuade the final three women to shack with him in the fantasy suite, he’ll have to meet their parents and struggle through some tough question from exasperated fathers.

After riding a mechanical bull in Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, enduring Clare’s weird sister in Sacramento, rubbing Andi’s dad the wrong way in Atlanta, and meeting Renee’s son in Sarasota, JP shoves longtime resident of the friend zone, Renee, into a stretch limo and waves goodbye.

In Saint Lucia, Andi realizes that Juan Pablo is a vapid bozo—a point we’ve been making for weeks now—and decides to drop JP like a milk crate full of antiquated computer parts. During her conversation with Juan Pablo, Andi has a look of utter disgust because she’s seeing this flavorless knucklehead for the very first time.

Andi’s exit means Clare and Nikki are the de facto queens of Saint Lucia. And as such, will be facing off in a head-to-head, Hunger Games-like death match for the heart of a man who has been twice dumped on his own show. Let the games begin.

To make order of The Bachelor’s ceaseless fuckery, Complex Pop Culture ranks the show’s contestants every week based on their desire for meritless fame. This is the eighth and final installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

4. Renee, 32, Real Estate Agent

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown date: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 4

Juan Pablo visits Renee’s hometown of Sarasota, Florida, where the two watch Renee’s son, Ben, play Little League baseball. To his credit, Ben plays well despite the added attention of ABC and an elegantly unkempt potential stepfather in the stands. Ben pounds the strike zone as a pitcher and makes a heads-up play at shortstop, doubling a guy off on a sinking line drive. Shout out to Ben!

However, things don’t go as well for Ben’s mom. Renee doesn’t get a rose and, rather than leaving the ceremony with middle fingers blazing, tells Juan Pablo that she’s “never felt this way about anyone before” and that she’s “fallen in love.”

Juan Pablo responds by saying, “You’re so great. I respect you a lot,” which is a very Juan Pablo way to react to that kind of breaking news.

In the limo, Renee says that Juan Pablo is “as good as they come,” and that she’s “…very thankful for [JP] showing her that there are actually men that exist like him.”

Yes, Renee, there are a few men like Juan Pablo, who will faultlessly make out with six different women in a 24-hour time period. Keep your eyes open, girl. Your Prince Charming awaits, and he’s probably scrapping with security personnel in a Rick's Cabaret parking lot right now.

Seriously, though, we’re rooting for Renee. She’s a gem.

3. Andi, 26, Assistant District Attorney

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown date: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 3

During the hometown date, Juan Pablo is introduced to Andi’s dad who drills JP with some thoughtful questions. As you’d expect, JP handles the hot seat about as well as Chris Brown handles probation. Andi’s dad makes a good point about the show, which is that ABC curates a fantasy life in which JP travels the world with a bunch of girls, thus affecting his ability to develop natural feelings. Juan Pablo responds by staring at Andi’s dad the way a Labrador Retriever looks at fetish porn, further infuriating an already frustrated patriarch.

After the hometown date, JP invites Andi to Saint Lucia, where the two spend a night in the fantasy suite. The following morning, Juan Pablo is on cloud nine, saying of his time with Andi, “We freaking laughed and talked for hours.”

Andi, however, refers to the evening as a “nightmare” and says that she “saw a side of [Juan Pablo] that [she] didn’t really like.”

Apparently, JP one-upped every one of Andi’s stories, bragged about spending the evening with Clare the night before, and generally behaved like a jackass. Later in the episode, Andi confronts Juan Pablo and dumps him on the show with savage beauty. She exposes Juan Pablo as a lumbering fraud asking him, “Do you have any idea like… what religion I practice? What my political views are? What my views are on social issues? Do you have any idea how I want to raise my kids? Do you have any idea about any of that?”

Juan Pablo responds by saying dejectedly, “I have no idea about any of that.”

Not to be outdone, JP tries to clap back with, “What’s my religion?!”

Andi responds earnestly, “Catholic,” and Juan Pablo gulps in defeat and looks down in shame.

Andi gets in a car and leaves the island, where she continues her hilariously astute tirade against Juan Pablo from the backseat. The whole scene is especially comical because JP is wearing enormous beach pants, flip-flops, and a button-up shirt that’s the color of Skrillex’s urine.

This is, without qualification, the greatest moment from Season 18 of The Bachelor.

2. Nikki, 26, Pediatric Nurse

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown date: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 1

Nikki shows up for her date in Saint Lucia looking like Janice Joplin dressed up as Sacajawea at Studio 54’s Halloween party. Juan Pablo reacts by saying, “Nikki is pretty. She is very sexy. She’s a very good kisser, too. Mmmmm…”

Later in the evening, Juan Pablo reacts to the idea of sharing a night in the fantasy suite by saying, “I love kissing Nikki. She’s a good kisser. I cannot wait to learn more about Nikki.” SMH.

Somehow, JP’s made four beautiful women fall in love with him by way of broken English and incessant caressing of their faces. Don’t try these moves at home, bros. JP’s game is not for rookies.

1. Clare, 32, Hair Stylist

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown date: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 2

Juan Pablo’s probably going to ride with Nikki, but Clare is far and away the better match. These two don’t really have conversations; they just say random words to one another and, rather miraculously, have incredible chemistry. And, Nikki and Juan Pablo make out with a homicidal abandon that one loses after the age of 15. The only thing standing between Clare and eternity with a living, breathing Under Armour mannequin is Nikki and—to a slightly lesser degree—her meddling sister, Lara.

We’re pulling for you though, Clare.