Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: "The Bachelor" Power Rankings, Episode 2

On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Victoria gets bombed on the roof of a hotel and spends most of the episode’s second hour bawling her eyes out in a bathroom stall. Clare and Kat score one-on-one dates, both of which are categorically boring and forgettable. And this week’s group date is a photo shoot featuring a dude with an electric blue goatee, stray dogs, and a couple butt-ass naked women.

No, you are not tripping balls on peyote; this is real life.

To make order of The Bachelor’s absurd fuckery, we’ve ranked the show’s contestants based on their unyielding desire for meritless fame. Behold, the second installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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From: Porto Alegre, Brazil
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: N/A

Victoria's story is one of self-destruction. She gets annihilated on champagne during group date after-hours and spends the night enduring side eye from her inexplicably outraged cohorts. At first, her antics are playful and endearing, but things take a turn when she interrupts Nikki's struggle conversation with Juan Pablo.

This woman rolls up to Juan Pablo in a bikini, curses audibly for no apparent reason, and walks away sobbing (again, no apparent reason). Then—in a rage—Victoria threatens to leave the show. But a kind producer says to her, “We can’t have you go without shoes.” This show is the best/worst.

Juan Pablo eventually swoops in to rescue her and comes off like a pretty decent dude in the process. It's clear that he's going to send her home, but he seems sincere in his compassion for her situation. He remarks, “I cannot judge [her] because this is not a common situation.”

JP, 10,000 apologies for all the quips about your barren personality. It’s clear that—underneath that pastel sweater-sport jacket combination—you possess a kind, gentle soul.

From: Clermont, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: N/A

Amy’s a reporter, so—naturally—she stages a contrived interview with Juan Pablo in the courtyard. She's totally using the show’s platform to audition for a correspondent position with the E! Network. But the joke’s on her, because talking to Juan Pablo is like trying to dribble a basketball on a waterbed.

Amy doesn’t help much, either. She delivers questions with the grace of David Hasselhoff on muscle relaxers. Considering that she didn’t have to go on any dates, this is a piss-poor effort on Amy’s part. She literally had two full days to sit around the mansion and practice her delivery. This woman is fortunate to be stunningly attractive.

Apparently, Juan Pablo didn’t care for his stay on the hot seat and sends Amy packing. See you on the red carpet, Amy!

From: Conyers, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 10%
Last week's rank: N/A

With Victoria throwing a drunken temper tantrum in the bathroom, Kelly tells the other contestants, "We’re all in the same situation. We’re all in the same boat and none of us are acting that way. That’s not an us issue or a Juan Pablo issue, that is a Victoria issue.”

Congratulations, Kelly. You're the first person this season to complain about "the pressure" of being inside The Bachelor mansion. GTFOH. You are kicking it on a hotel roof with free premium vodka drinks and craft service. No one wants to hear about the struggle.

From: Wooster, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 0%
Last week's rank: N/A

The Bachelor does this incredibly humiliating thing where they get the fifth runner-up from The Voice or whatever to perform a private concert during the one-on-one date.

The first installment of this painful series features Josh Krajcik, a once promising recording artist who's been reduced to providing melancholy accompaniment to Juan Pablo's make out sessions. The despair of a dream shattered can be seen in Krajcik's eyes.

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 15%
Last week's rank: No. 5

After the group date, Renee finds herself on a hotel roof with Juan Pablo. While slow dancing, Renee moves her lips closer and closer to JP's face. You think they're going to kiss, but—at the last second—she buries herself in his chest and laughs maniacally. This woman is so in love with Juan Pablo, but she has absolutely nothing to talk to him about. Seriously, these two just stare at one another and laugh.

This is like a bad art film.

From: Santa Barbara, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 5%
Last week's rank: No. 10

Lucy goes from not wearing any shoes in the first episode to getting completely naked in the second episode. She goes topless in the hot tub, flashes her breasts during an interview, and walks a stray dog in downtown Los Angles while wearing nothing but an unnerving smile. Juan Pablo does not take Lucy seriously, which is okay because she's comfortable being the show's goofball mascot.

From: Shelby Township, Michigan
Chances of making hometown dates: 45%
Last week's rank: N/A

At the end of the show, Cassandra questions whether or not she should leave the mansion because she misses her son. If you’re new to The Bachelor franchise, know that wailing about lost loved ones and kiddos at home are the most popular forms of self-preservation. This must sound insensitive, but you should see how often these things go down in the minutes before a rose ceremony. It’s insane, and you will soon understand.

Anyway, Cassandra stares and sniffles in solemn reflection until Juan Pablo comes to her rescue. When the rose ceremony begins, Cassandra is the first person to receive a flower safeguard. Damn, girl. You're new to our rankings, but it's clear you're no rookie. Well played, bae.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 4

During the group date, Andi learns that she'll have to do a photo shoot in which she wears nothing but a wooden sign. Andi pouts as only Andi can by reminding us she's a lawyer with this tearful non sequitur, "I mean, I send people to jail everyday for a living, it's just, ugh, [audible sigh].”

Juan Pablo comforts her and reminds Andi that he'll be naked too. JP comes off pretty well, until you realize they’re talking about posing naked with dogs, at which point that good feeling gets sucked right out of the room.

Feeling better, Andi says to Juan Pablo triumphantly, “Aventura, you said it. You got your aventura.”

The two hold one another while a harp plays in the background, and the scene closes with a shot of them posing naked for a dog rescue. This show is so fucking absurd. I don't understand women at all.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 90%
Last week's rank: No. 8

So, Victoria gets bombed on the roof and Nikki says, “You need to tone it down,” in a very nagging way.

Victoria slurs her case, but Nikki does that passive-aggressive lecture thing, like, “I’m looking out for you, honey. Do you need a garbage can to vomit in? Aw babe, you smell like bar sludge. Are you okay?”

The next morning, Nikki and Andi slander Victoria for being wasted like they’ve never seen a drunken meltdown before. Victoria is by far the coolest chick on the show, and Nikki has to steal her shine by being a total buzzkill.

Nikki, it looks like you have a hometown date locked. Let these other girls have some fun.

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 50%
Last week's rank: No. 1

Clare gets the first one-on-one date, which entails a snowball fight, sledding, and general hijinks on a mountain of fake snow in a Target parking lot. She laughs at everything Juan Pablo does, even though the guy's about as funny as expired mayonnaise. “He’s hilarious,” she says.

R.I.P. to guys who are actually funny. You dopes will never make a hot girl laugh like a Juan Pablo can. LOL at you guys.

Anyway, Clare is either delusional or suffering from unfathomable thirst. Probably both, actually.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the second episode of the 18th season of The Bachelor. Check back next week for the latest power rankings.