Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings, Episode 5

On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, the crew visits Da Nang, Vietnam to irritate locals and browbeaten pedicab drivers. Renee scores the episode’s first one-on-one date, where she’s outfitted with a hideous dress and, per usual, obsesses about the possibility of kissing Juan Pablo. Nikki scores the other one-on-one date, which involves repelling down a large, ominous looking cave. It's as much fun as it sounds!

The group date is a bamboo boat cruise. It starts out rather innocuously, but concludes with Clare and JP boning in the bacteria-infested waters of the Pacific Ocean. After his Korbel champagne buzz wears off, Juan Pablo decides that banging in the low tide was mostly Clare’s fault and blames her for setting a bad example for his daughter.

During the rose ceremony, JP sends Danielle, Alli, and that chick whose occupation is listed as “dog lover” packing. No surprises there, but next week is going to be an absolute blood bath.

To make order of The Bachelor’s ceaseless fuckery, Complex Pop Culture ranks the show’s contestants every week based on their desire for meritless fame. Without further ado, this is the fifth installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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From: Columbus, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 40%
Last week's rank: No. 6

When Clare commandeers Juan Pablo during the group date, most of the girls sit around throwing shade behind her back. But Chelsie, who is quickly becoming the coolest chick on the show, is very self-aware and shrewd in drawing attention to the group’s collective jealousy.

Chelsie, you’re not depraved enough for success in reality television. Honestly, you’re probably an episode away from being gutted by a crafty sociopath, like Nikki or Andi. But, when JP shows you the door, I’ll be there with an R&B mixtape and sashimi for two. Trust.

From: Chicago, IL
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: N/A

Despite her relative coolness, Alli doesn’t get a rose in Episode 5. Let’s all pour out a glass of Moet & Chandon Imperial for our recently fallen comrade. Okay, you good?

While Alli represented herself well on the show, she wished Juan Pablo the best during her exit. SMH. Bachelors and Bachelorettes, if you get dumped during ABC’s primetime lineup of shows, don’t wish your detractor well. It’s a bad look. Just get into the limo and blaze a pair of middle fingers out of the sunroof as you ride off. You’ll look wayyy cooler.

From: Shelby Township, Michigan
Chances of making hometown dates: 30%
Last week's rank: No. 8

Cassandra has another unremarkable episode and these no-shows are starting to add up. This week, Cassandra appears on camera twice: First to announce that a situation is “super awkward” and again to opine that there should be farms in the United States. You can do better, bae.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: No. 7

Kelly is mercifully let go this week, but not before taking a few obligatory shots at Clare. If Clare ever sees Kelly again, she should swing on her with the heel of a Christian Louboutin pump. There’s not a court in the land that would convict Clare, either. Kelly has been delivering unwarranted side eye to that woman since day one.

From: Iowa City, Iowa
Chances of making hometown dates: 50%
Last week's rank: No. 5

With few opportunities to dance or mince about in a bikini, Kat has an uncharacteristically quiet episode. It’s getting late in the game, which means Kat needs to snitch on Andi for “not being here for the right reasons” or goat Renee into punching her in the face. There’s no more time to fool around.

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 35%
Last week's rank: No. 10

Renee is sweet, but she closes with the grace of Sarah Palin during Final Jeopardy. So far this season, she’s blown every opportunity to kiss Juan Pablo by blabbering about her kid, which is evidently the only thing than can subside the dude’s roaring sex drive. This week, however, Renee and JP lock lips in a cabana. With this hackneyed storyline finally put out to pasture, Renee is two rose ceremonies from being bounced. Go ahead and quote that.

From: Ottawa, Canada
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 4

Sharleen’s in the throes of a nervous breakdown that began in Episode 2, but it’s all good because Juan Pablo finds this woman’s neurotic energy OD attractive.

This week aboard the crazy train, Sharleen says, “I need to know that [Juan Pablo] sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

Huh? This woman uses more baffling platitudes than Beyoncé and Gary Busey combined. Juan Pablo gets very turned on by this behavior, though. This dude’s libido is stronger than a musk ox with Alex Rodriguez’s pharmaceutical connections.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 3

Andi hasn’t scored a solo date, and it’s making her sweat. She confronts Juan Pablo on the farm, but he’s all LOL about it. Eventually, she gets some alone time with JP on the beach and it becomes painstakingly apparent why she’s so concerned with getting the guy isolated: This chick has a better one-on-one game than Kevin Durant. If this woman can keep from bum rushing JP every time she feels slighted, then Andi is a lock for hometown date week.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 90%
Last week's rank: No. 2

This week, Nikki scores the worst one-on-one date of the season. If repelling down a sinkhole weren’t bad enough, she’s forced to hang out with an exhausted Juan Pablo, who is maybe five hours removed from having sex with Clare in the South China Sea.

Nikki wants no part of this cave, either. She’s shaking and says, “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants.” For those of you keeping track, this is Nikki’s second reference to shitting herself in as many weeks. Adjust your fantasy league points accordingly.

Things get worse at dinner when JP admits to “not getting a lot sleep last night.”

Nikki responds by saying, “Why? Because you were so excited?” which would be cute if he wasn’t snogging in the water all evening with her arch nemesis.

On paper, this was a good week for Nikki (read: one-on-one date, a rose, and a make out session). But, it wasn’t a good week for Nikki, you know?

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 1

After the group date, Clare decides that she wants to cross “swimming in the ocean” off of her bucket list and elicits the company of Juan Pablo. As the two canoodle in the moonlit waters, sound bites from Clare are edited in sporadically.

“I’m going to let go of all my fear and let myself be vulnerable,” she says—which is Bikram yoga instructor speak for “we’re going to do it now.”

They bang, and then she makes a bizarre analogy about her love for Juan Pablo as it relates to a newborn giraffe exiting the womb. It’s totally uncalled for.

Besides the disaster with the baby giraffe, everything seems to be going well for Clare, until Juan Pablo confronts her with some hot garbage about regretting the whole sex thing. JP says he wants to be a good example for his daughter and implies that Clare is to blame for his looking like a ding-dong.

Meanwhile, this Juan Pablo dipshit is presiding over an exploitative freak show, where people feign deep feelings of intimacy in exchange for 50,000 Twitter followers and a book deal. GTFOH, Juan Pablo. You sound like a jerkoff. And, you’ve made out with, like, five other girls in this episode alone. You’re either a jackass or a moron, but probably an overpowering combination of both. Apologize to Clare, and wear something besides a pastel henley once in awhile.

Stop by again next week for a thirst-based breakdown of the Episode 6 fuckery in New Zealand. We’re out.