Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: "The Bachelor" Power Rankings, Episode 3

On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, the group plays fútbol at the StubHub Center, where a woefully unathletic Sharleen receives three violent, likely intentional shots to her midsection. Chelsie and Cassandra score one-on-one dates, both of which culminate in nighttime make out sessions. And, the episode concludes with an impromptu pool party at the mansion. The party is a lot of fun until Kat sits on Juan Pablo's shoulders, inexplicably triggering a series of tearful therapy sessions in the cabana.

When the dust settles, free spirit Lucy and some chick named Christy get the boot. I watch this show with the unyielding focus of Bill Belichick during game week and I had no idea who Christy was until the last 30 seconds of episode three. In sum, no fireworks in this week's rose ceremony.

To make order of The Bachelor’s ceaseless fuckery, Complex Pop Culture ranks the show’s contestants every week based on their unyielding desire for meritless fame. Behold, the third installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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From: Columbus, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 60%
Last week's rank: N/A

Chelsie scores a one-on-one date with Juan Pablo and almost blows it out of the gate by dancing in the car. She looks like a lot of fun, but she moves with the grace of an emperor penguin on codeine syrup and Juan Pablo definitely notices. Anyway, the two are going to bungee jump off of a bridge, but Chelsie has second thoughts when she gets to the platform.

As she begins to tear up, Juan Pablo reassures her with a brooding, “Chelsie, look at me.” The act is equal parts endearing and dubious, as it's clear that Chelsie's comfort is second place to Juan Pablo's incessant urge to make out.

Finally—with an employee from the bungee operation losing patience—Chelsie jumps with JP affixed to her harness. Predictably, the two make out while hanging from a bridge upside down. Welcome to the show, Chelsie.

From: Forty Fort, Pennsylvania
Chances of making hometown dates: 10%
Last week's rank: N/A

Elise isn't invited to the group date and she's snubbed for a one-on-one in favor of Chelsie. So, naturally, she spends the episode trashing Chelsie's potential as a stepmom to anyone who would listen (I counted three people who listened). At one point, Elise digs Chelsie in a very-passive aggressive way to Kat, while scenes of Juan Pablo and Chelsie slow dancing to a visibly humiliated country singer are spliced in intermittently. This editing technique lets the viewing audience know that Elise. Is. Fucked. She survives the third rose ceremony, but her days are numbered.

From: Iowa City, Iowa
Chances of making hometown dates: 50%
Last week's rank: N/A

The pool party gives Kat carte blanche to mince around the mansion in a bikini, and by doing so she becomes the most hated woman on the show. She finds a seat on Juan Pablo's shoulders and the whole house goes absolutely bananas. Juan Pablo is having the time of his life, while 14 women stare daggers into the air space above his head. Don't let these miserable banshees ruin your good time, Kat. Let the haters hate.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 2%
Last week's rank: No. 8

Thankfully, Kelly doesn't get much air time in episode three. But she's around just long enough to remind you that she needs to leave, like, now. When the pool party's at its most jubilant, this chick ruins the fun by saying of Kat, "You need to realize that there are 14 other guuuuurls and you look like a whore."

Her negative energy triggers tearful indignation from a handful of others. And, before you know it, the show goes from broadcasting a good time to presenting 20 uninterrupted minutes of adult women crying. That, in a nutshell, is Kelly's legacy on The Bachelor.

From: Ottawa, Canada
Chances of making hometown dates: 20%
Last week's rank: N/A

In the show's first week, Sharleen rejects Juan Pablo's early advances with an honest candor never before seen on The Bachelor. Straight up, she's like, "I don't know if I'm feeling this ballbag."

But, ever since that original stand, this chick has been making out with flagrant abandon and sending up more red flags than an emailed promise of gold bullion from Nigeria.

On this week's group date, she makes out with Juan Pablo in the middle of a soccer field. She expects an early rose, but JP—who probably hadn't given the matter a ton of thought—gives it to Nikki instead.

Clearly bothered by the snub, Sharleen ruins the pool party by dragging Juan Pablo to a cabana and complaining about "all the cameras." Sharleen gets emotional and starts crying on Juan Pablo's shoulder. Even though there are tears coming out of her eyes, you can tell JP is positioning himself for the sixth make out session of the episode. He succeeds.

From: Shelby Township, Michigan
Chances of making hometown dates: 55%
Last week's rank: No. 4

Cassandra scores the episode's first one-on-one date. It begins with the two cruising around in a car that doubles as a boat when you drive it into water. Juan Pablo—being full of surprises—steers the cruiser into a lake, and Cassandra is cheerfully surprised to learn that it floats. It's very adorable.

Cassandra is coming on strong, but she has no she game whatsoever. Between the Machiavellian craftiness of Andi and Nikki, Cassandra is going to get slaughtered in the coming episodes. As demonstrated by a rather uncomfortable make out session, her kiss game could use some refining as well. But good looks, bae. We're pulling for you.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 3

Andi plays the "I think things are getting serious" card during the group date, which is a week or two premature and a rare misstep for this typically calculated sociopath. She makes out with Juan Pablo in one of the StubHub Center's concession stand kitchens, likely alongside a shipment of expired hamburger buns. Like Sharleen, Andi thinks the lip lock guarantees an early rose and she's incensed when JP bestows that floral honor to Nikki. Andi ultimately survives the rose ceremony, but she's slipping.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 95%
Last week's rank: No. 2

In this week's episode, Nikki's "wall comes down." Or, in other words, she stares solemnly at a soccer field and tells Juan Pablo that her "biggest fear is being hurt."

It's clear that this chick prepared for The Bachelor as though it were a manned mission to Mars because she has the pace of this vapid show figured out.

Next week, she'll tell Juan Pablo that she's "starting to develop feelings" with a single mascara-coated tear running down her cheek. Remaining contestants be warned, Nikki is dangerous.

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 15%
Last week's rank: No. 6

If Renee consoles one more crying girl in a bathroom, ABC is going to have to give her a salaried position and the title of "house mom." The contestants in the mansion don't take this woman all that seriously and Juan Pablo's emitting similar vibes. Renee thinks she's a lock for the final four, but she has—tops—three more rose ceremonies in the tank.

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 65%
Last week's rank: No. 1

For the most part, Clare has a quiet third week. But she comes alive in the episode's fourth quarter like John Elway with ubiquitous cleavage. After seeing Sharleen make out with Juan Pablo at the pool party, Clare finds a nearby bathroom to cry in. Renee consoles her as only Renee can, and Clare musters up enough courage to confront Juan Pablo in the by now, presumably, semen soaked cabana.

She opens with, “I’ve been having a hard morning,” while literally at a pool party in a palatial Southern California mansion. For some reason (probably the cleavage), Juan Pablo takes her seriously and glosses over the whole situation by telling her she looks pretty. With order restored, a smiling Clare returns to sun bathing.