Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: "The Bachelor" Power Rankings, Episode 7

On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, the gang comes home to Miami. Sharleen scores the first one-on-one date, where she questions whether or not she wants to spend eternity with a dude who is effectually a Hollister Co. mannequin. Her mind tells her know, but her body—her body!—tells her yes (at least for the time being). Nikki scores the episode’s other one-on-one date, which is a visit to a kid’s dance recital, followed by a picnic inside a tastelessly decorated baseball stadium. Yawn.

Things finally get interesting after the group date when Sharleen decides that she doesn’t relate to JP on an “intellectual” level. So, she leaves the show. This comes as no surprise to the rest of the ladies who long suspected that Sharleen was into “nerdy” guys. LOL at Sharleen. What. A. Dork!

Nikki and Clare have their long-awaited spat inside a penthouse suite, and it’s as wonderfully exasperating as you’d imagine. These girls have spent months sitting in hotel rooms with jack shit to do. So, it was only a matter of time before tempers flared. Nikki triggers the confrontation by saying, “That’s so stupid” for no apparent reason and stomping upstairs. Clare follows and the shade fest is on! After reviewing the tape, this is definitely a #TeamClare situation. Nikki has been acting wild out of pocket lately.

To no one’s surprise, Chelsie gets the axe during the rose ceremony. You know what that means? HOMETOWN DATES NEXT WEEK!

To make order of The Bachelor’s ceaseless fuckery, Complex Pop Culture ranks the show’s contestants every week based on their desire for meritless fame. This is the sixth installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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From: Ottawa, Canada
Chances of making hometown dates: 0%
Last week's rank: No. 4

Sharleen scores the show’s first one-on-one date, which she’s using as a last ditch effort to connect with JP on a “cerebral” level. If Juan Pablo doesn’t talk about income disparity in America or greenhouse gas reduction, Sharleen is out of here, bruh. Rather predictably, the most profound thing JP says is, “I like the words you use. I’m learning. You speak so proper. I like it.”

Despite wholesale confirmation that talking to JP is as frustrating as using free Wi-Fi at the airport, Sharleen spends the date making out with Juan Pablo on a yacht. Later, however, she decides to leave the show.

As she’s saying goodbye, Juan Pablo whispers towards her lips and caresses her face. Even while he’s being dumped, the guy is looking for a way to get it in. Overall though, Juan Pablo is very cavalier about the break up. He’s either confused about what she’s trying to communicate or he’s totally indifferent to her leaving.

Note to self: Break-ups are much easier when you’re literally dating five other women.

From: Columbus, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: No. 6

Chelsie tries to break the tension during the pre-ceremony cocktail party by asking the group if they have any jewelry that they “wear all the time.” Nikki responds by saying, “I’m not, like, a sentimental person,” which—besides being an awesomely irritating Nikki quote—embodies Chelsie’s last few weeks on the show. She’s trying, but her effort is for naught. Our girl had a good run, though.

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 5

Renee catches a lucky break when Sharleen decides to dump Juan Pablo. Otherwise, Renee and Chelsie would’ve been splitting cab fare back to the airport.

That harsh reality aside, Renee deserves some love for trying to talk Sharleen out of leaving the show. Most of these chicks would hip check Sharleen in front of a city bus if it meant getting a rose, but Renee warns her that leaving, “would probably haunt [Sharleen] forever.” That’s a criminally exaggerated statement because leaving The Bachelor mansion is not like dropping out of high school or adopting a heroin habit. But her heart’s in the right place.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 3

Andi is coming on strong right now. In this episode, she goes for a walk on the beach and starts crying for no apparent reason. When JP asks her what’s wrong, Andi says that she’s not one to show “a ton of emotions,” while tears literally run down her cheeks. That is The Bachelor equivalent of smashing a line drive double right off of the wall. Juan Pablo cradles her in his arms and they talk about “opening up,” which clinches a rose for Andi. Well played, you little scoundrel.

Later, Andi and JP go dancing. Andi moves with the grace of Frankenstein on muscle relaxers, but that’s her only misstep of the show (so to speak).

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 1

Clare doesn’t get a rose during the group date and she reacts with the browbeaten demeanor of Eli Manning after the Giants quarterback throws a pick-six. This woman couldn’t lose through the first four episodes and now she’s totally shook, dawg. Worse yet, she’s beefing with Nikki instead of cuddling with Juan Pablo. No one wants to win this thing as bad as Clare, but she’s losing her focus.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 100%
Last week's rank: No. 2

Nikki says that she’s “falling in love” with Juan Pablo and repeatedly refers to him as her “boyfriend” in this episode. But she feels very threatened by Clare and, consequently, picks a fight with her nemesis on some petty shit. Like, all the girls are just chilling in a penthouse on South Beach and Nikki responds to an offhand remark from Clare by saying, “That’s so stupid,” and stomping upstairs.

During the confrontation, Nikki says to Clare, “You can excuse yourself from my room,” which is the most savage thing a conventionally attractive woman can say to another conventionally attractive woman.

Clare (correctly) says that it’s not her room, to which Nikki responds, “Um, did you sleep here?”

Nikki, passing out in a space does not entitle one to ownership. If it did, I’d have a fleet of taxis and at least a dozen 24-hour Taco Bells. JP’s introducing you to family and gawks at you the way a ravenous hyena looks at braised short ribs. Chill out. The only way you’re losing this competition is if you smash a bottle of flavored vodka over Clare’s melon, which looks like it might happen next week.