Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings, Episode 6

On this week’s episode of The Bachelor, Juan Pablo and the gang film a two-hour-long Kay Jewelers commercial in the picturesque New Zealand countryside. And, Andi scores her long awaited one-on-one date, where she makes out with JP in a remote lagoon!

The group date is a picnic, followed by Zorbing, and cocktails at Frodo’s crib from The Lord of the Rings (no joke). Cassandra is celebrating her 22nd birthday at the Hobbit house, which goes really well until Juan Pablo dumps her on site. :(

Clare scores the other one-on-one date, which involves a confrontation over who is to blame for the sex they had in the ocean last week. After becoming bored with their own quasi fight, Clare and Juan Pablo retreat to make out near a babbling brook. And who can blame them? New Zealand is beautiful. This is no place to quarrel.

With Cassandra on a commercial flight back to Detroit, only one person will be sent home during the rose ceremony. Minutes before elimination, Chelsie corners Juan Pablo and tells him that she smothered her last boyfriend into breaking up with her. Chelsie appears to have painted herself into a corner, until Kat opens up about her sordid upbringing. Ultimately, Juan Pablo opts for Chelsie’s clinginess over Kat’s pervasive daddy issues, and thus concludes another brilliant episode of ABC’s banner show.

To make order of The Bachelor’s ceaseless fuckery, Complex Pop Culture ranks the show’s contestants every week based on their desire for meritless fame. This is the sixth installment of Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

Sean Evans is a writer based in Chicago. He's incredibly boring on Twitter, but we're obliged to provide his handle @seanseaevans.

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From: Iowa City, Iowa
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: No. 5

Instead of going out with dignity, Kat tries to guilt Juan Pablo into handing over a rose by discussing the pitfalls of her childhood. She talks at length about how her relationship with her father has instilled a perpetual disappointment in men, which isn’t easy for some guys to hear, particularly guys who’ve dumped a birthday girl and made out with four different women in the last 24 hours alone.

Afterwards, Kat says of Juan Pablo, “He was really supportive and sweet.”

But, he wasn’t supportive or sweet in the slightest. He literally didn’t say a word. He just stared at her like a psychopath, which—in his defense—is how he acts during most “conversations.” Kat, you clearly don’t know Juan Pablo, and—quite frankly—you wouldn’t be trying so hard to get a rose if you did.

From: Shelby Township, Michigan
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)
Last week's rank: No. 8

Cassandra just isn’t ‘bout that reality show life. She doesn’t have it in her to throw someone’s luggage in a pool or haphazardly dump a glass of Sauvignon Blanc on a rival’s chiffon dress. No matter how heated she gets, Cassandra’s not going to grab a chick by her scalp and hip toss her through a craft service table. So, JP had no choice but to regulate this week. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich once said of The Bachelor, “well-behaved women seldom make history,” and that broad clearly knows her rose ceremonies.

From: Columbus, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 20%
Last week's rank: No. 10

The typically composed Chelsie makes a rare misstep this week by telling Juan Pablo that she full-court pressed her way to being single in her last relationship. Really, Chelsie, that’s your smoking gun? SMH.

Lucky for Chelsie, Kat encores with a soliloquy about her distrust of men. Juan Pablo is perceptibly turned off for only, like, the second time this entire season. He’d like to send both of these girls home, but he already dumped Cassandra in The Shire. Chelsie survives the rose ceremony, but she’s on borrowed time.

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 35%
Last week's rank: No. 5

Juan Pablo calls Renee “one of [his] special ones,” which—besides sounding mad Jeffrey Dahmer-ish—is exactly what he said to Cassandra before shoving her in a limo and patting the trunk. This chick is so deep in the friend zone that JP might ask her to help him move a couch and compensate her effort with a six-pack of Budweiser Black Crown. At this point, I’m fairly certain that Juan Pablo thinks Renee is hosting the show and that Chris Harrison is a lowly production assistant.

From: Ottawa, Canada
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 4

Sharleen and Juan Pablo have a make out session that is prefaced by her saying “Hi. How are you?” That’s all you really need to know about these two. Afterwards, she tells Juan Pablo that she finds this process of finding love “inorganic,” which is a bizarre thing to say because no fucking duh.

The episode closes with Sharleen pulling a total Sharleen move by saying, “I’m going to give it another week and see if there’s something that I’m missing. If I absolutely cannot see myself with Juan Pablo, I think it’s best if I leave.”

Sharleen, are you hedging your emotional bets or are you for real? Look, if every contestant who was underwhelmed by JP’s personality left, Renee would’ve be the only chick at the rose ceremony for the last three weeks. Don’t stop believing.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 70%
Last week's rank: No. 3

After his one-on-one date with Andi, JP delivers heaping praise by saying, “I like Andi. She is so cool.” Despite the poignant endorsement from Juan Pablo, this chick’s not winning unless Clare and Nikki scrap to the death during a group date. But, she’s definitely in a good position to finish third and star on The Bachelorette, which has likely been her plan from the jump.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 90%
Last week's rank: No. 2

Nikki does this thing where she stares in solemn reflection, nods, and says to Juan Pablo, “I feel like I’m totally falling for you. And it's scary for me because, when you fall for someone, there’s a chance you might get hurt.” She seriously has a million of those and they touch JP’s gentle heart every time. This chick might be a calculated sociopath, but she definitely knows what she's doing.

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 85%
Last week's rank: No. 1

Last week, Clare and Juan Pablo did it in the ocean. Everything seemed cool until Juan Pablo was all like, “Yo, what was with you boinking me in the sea, bruh? I have an eight-year-old. You know how that makes me look?”

Clare was justifiably pissed and got a chance to follow-up with Juan Pablo during a one-on-one date. After being grilled a few times, Juan Pablo delivers this irresponsibly brazen retort, “You caught me off guard and you were so happy. And, I was like, if I say no, she’ll be devastated right now.” LOL. Checkmate, Clare.

Now that they’re cool, Clare and JP change into pajamas to do some cozy couple lounging. It’s very sweet. Juan Pablo cues up a track and two slow dance in the living room. Just when you want to bury this JP guy, he makes you fall in love all over again. This guy is the best/worst.