Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: "The Bachelor" Power Rankings, Episode 1

ABC’s The Bachelor is strange. The show—now in its 18th season—purports to manufacture a marriage by facilitating a real-life harem. One man—in this case the painfully lifeless Juan Pablo—eliminates women from a rented mansion one excruciatingly drawn out rose ceremony at a time. If all goes according to plan, he’ll be left with his soul mate; a person he can count on for life three week’s worth of promotional magazine spreads.

The women, on the other hand, go through most of the casting process without even knowing who their potential suitor is going to be. Let that soak in for a second. These girls don’t know if they’re going to wax insincerely about “being [there] for the right reasons” to Brooks, Drew, or some other spray tanned jerkoff with an ankle tattoo. And, even if they did, it wouldn’t matter.

If Rob Ford, the crack smoking mayor of Toronto, pulled up to The Bachelor mansion in a horse-drawn carriage, these bottle service waitresses on sabbatical would still beat one another with the heels of their Jimmy Choo pumps for a one-on-one date.

To celebrate this indiscriminate, unyielding desire for meritless fame, we present Thirstiest to Thirstiest-est: The Bachelor Power Rankings.

RELATED: 10 Absurdly Pathetic Moments from The Bachelorette, Season Nine

From: Santa Barbara, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 5%

As a contestant on The Bachelor, one must have a strategy. Lucy's is to brand herself as a hippie by listing her occupation as "free spirit" and not wearing shoes. Seriously, she talks about not wearing shoes every time she's on camera (which thankfully was only, like, three times).

Her plan works in the premiere, but Lucy's days are numbered. Juan Pablo is unequivocally frightened by this woman. She's wayyy out there and JP is very turned off. He looks at her like he's watching The Exorcist with eight grams of mushrooms in his system.

From: Rockford, Illinois
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)

Kylie pretty much holds it together the whole episode, but things come undone in the fourth quarter. First, she calls out Sharleen for not being amped about getting the first rose, which is a precursor to snitching on this show. If Kylie made it through the first rose ceremony, she would've cornered Juan Pablo and said something passive aggressive like, "I like Sharleen, I think she's really sweet. I'm just not sure she's here for the right reasons. I'm only telling you this because I really care about you." *starts sobbing uncontrollably*

After being eliminated (eliminated, mind you), Kylie cries to the camera and says, ”I can picture my life with him even more after meeting him.” Boo, you literally met this dude five hours ago and all he's done is whole bunch of nodding. Keep your head up. Painting the window shut on Juan Pablo shouldn't be this painful.

From: Kansas City, Missouri
Chances of making hometown dates: 60%

Honestly, Nikki comes off pretty well in this first episode. When she meets Juan Pablo, she does this adorable stunt to demonstrate her nervousness with a stethoscope. Later, there's this chick who rides a piano bike up the driveway and it's a fucking disaster. The failure of that encounter really shines a positive light on Nikki's ability to be a functioning adult.

However, Nikki's unrequited thirst is shown when she talks to Juan Pablo face-to-face. At one point, the pair get into this torturous back and forth about visiting her hometown together. It’s supposed to be flirty, but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot going on upstairs with this Juan Pablo character. The guy just mumbles as if he's having a stroke and Nikki laughs hysterically like the dude's Kevin Hart with shave stubble. You're too beautiful to try that hard, bae.

From: La Jolla, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)

Did someone card Lacy? The show says she's 25-years-old, but she looks like she's 14 and waiting for her parents to pick her up from an Imagine Dragons concert. Anyway, when this girl meets Juan Pablo she gives him an enormous bottle of prescription drugs. They're probably just Tic Tacs or something, but it's still a really cool move on her part.

Then, she ruins it all by presenting JP with a 25-piece puzzle set during their one-on-one session. The puzzle is of Juan Pablo alongside his daughter, and it has one missing piece: her.

SMH. This feels like a Des and Chris poetry session all over again.

From: Columbus, Ohio
Chances of making hometown dates: 75%

Like Nikki, Chelsie comes off as a relatively sane and put together individual, but she competes harder than Pete Rose on bath salts. It's clear that she prepared for this show as though it were the MCAT, Super Bowl, and Boston Marathon combined. She has spinoff aspirations and they're clear from day one.

From: Sarasota, Florida
Chances of making hometown dates: 15%

From Renee's perspective, she's a single mom and Juan Pablo's a single dad. So, ABC should shut down production right now and put their wedding photos on the cover of next month's People magazine.

“When you’re a single parent, it’s kind of like let’s cut to the chase at this point,” she says in an interview.

When Renee gets eliminated, which is probably two rose ceremonies from now, she's going after Juan Pablo's car with a set of keys and a Louisville Slugger. Trust.

From: Atlanta, Georgia
Chances of making hometown dates: 90%

Andi is the best/worst contestant in this year's batch. This woman has the poise of the Duchess of Cambridge and the perceptible confidence of Rihanna's Instagram feed. She's introduced with this wildly ridiculous courtroom dramatization to announce to the world that she's a lawyer. She actually says, “The defendant is here to ask this court for bond,” and somehow keeps a straight face in what is clearly a staged scenario. Got it—you’re a prosecutor and kind of hot. That's your point, right?

From: Los Angeles, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)

Amy J. convinces Juan Pablo to let her give him a rubdown. He obliges and, almost instantly, the massage therapist from Los Angeles begins moaning like only massage therapists from Los Angeles can moan. Afterwards she says, “I saw something in him that I know that I could see for the rest of my life. And, wake up to for the rest of my life.” Can you guess who's not getting a rose tonight?

From: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Chances of making hometown dates: 0% (eliminated)

During her opening package, Lauren recounts the story of her broken engagement while staring longingly into a pond. That's The Bachelor's not-so-subtle way of foreshadowing a tear-ridden mental breakdown later in the episode. Sure enough, Lauren spends most of the premiere's second hour wiping eye shadow from her face and parroting the phrase, "I've been through a lot."

Finally, she sits down with Juan Pablo and immediately begins unloading baggage like she's on a sinking cargo ship. The irksome snarl she displays while narrating her broken engagement story (now for the third time) makes Nick Saban's sideline grimace look like the uncontrolled laughter of a baby by comparison. Lauren says afterwards, “I hope so badly that I didn’t mess it up,” and, presumably, went to an empty storage closet to crush tennis balls in the palm of her hand out of frustration.

Whether it was because of chemistry issues or at the insistence of producers who were afraid she'd torch the mansion like Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez, Lauren does not get a rose. For the sake of rankings, we hope she makes an unexpected return to the house. The Bachelor loves a good plot twist.

From: Sacramento, California
Chances of making hometown dates: 50%

For her first face-to-face meeting with Juan Pablo, Clare steps out of the limo with a fake belly and falsely represents herself as a pregnant woman. Then, she opens with, "I know you have a daughter and I know you want more children. And, I was thinking maybe I could do it." To his credit, Juan Pablo doesn't flinch. But, his lack of a reaction probably has more to do with slow firing synapses than anything else.

Clare ultimately confesses that the belly is fake, but it's still a recklessly desperate move, even for this deplorable freak show. Because he's enamored with her rack and willing to ignore explicit craziness, Juan Pablo gives Clare a rose.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first episode of the 18th season of The Bachelor. Check back next week for the latest power rankings.