All the Pop Culture Awards the World Needs (But That Won't Be Handed Out Because Everyone Is a Coward)
More prestigious than any naked gold statue.
Image via Complex Original
It's awards season and the nominations for every major award show besides the Oscars—Independent Spirit Awards, SAG Awards, the Golden Globes, and the Grammys—have been announced. Unsurprisingly, they're just lists upon lists of the usual suspects and boring old categories. And yes, Meryl Streep is nominated at least once.
It's time to make room for the categories that aren't broadcast on national television, let alone necessitate red carpet treatment. Categories, for instance, like "Best Use of the Word Masturbate on Twitter." This is to honor all the people that have gone viral, all the people that've fucked shit up, and all the things you were too afraid to say out loud. Let's go.
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Best Use of a Bed Sheet at a Brothel: Justin Bieber
Best Pope Not Named Olivia: Pope Francis
Most Infuriating Internet Troll Only Because He Totally Got You: Jimmy Kimmel
Best Celebrity Spokesperson for the Crack Industry: Rob Ford
Best Baby-Name Ode to Elijah Wood's 1994 Masterpiece, North: North West
Best Temporary Diversion from Discussion of Kate Middleton's Shrinking/Growing Waistline and/or Newest Pair of LK Bennett Heels: The Royal Baby
Best Reason to Think the Government Might Not Screw Everything Up for Us: The Death of DOMA
Best Argument That "Nah, Everything Is Still Fucked": The Government Shutdown
Best Proof that "We Can't Handle the Truth": Edward Snowden
Best Celebrity to Be Hate-Tweeted By: Amanda Bynes
Biggest News Event With No Actual News In It: J.J. Abrams Announced As Star Wars Director
Best Intentional Corruption of a Child for Financial Gain: Johnny Knoxville and Jeff Tremaine in Bad Grandpa
Best Use of Repetition as a Narrative Device: Harmony Korine for Spring Breakers, with Honorable Mention to James Franco
Baby the World Least Needs: Carrie and Brody's on Homeland
Least Emotion Shown on Screen in 2013: Ryan Gosling in Gangster Squad and Only God Forgives
Best "Unlucky in Love" Sociopath: Todd on Breaking Bad
Best "Creepy Kid" Performance That Actually Made "Creepy Kids" Creepy Again: Victor in The Returned
Best Use of High-Waisted Pants to Convince Us that the Future Is Weird-But-Cool and Full of Gray Melancholy: Her
Best Sperm Dribbling in a Movie Trailer: Nymphomaniac
Most Changed Child Star: Haley Joel Osment
Best Use of the Word "Masturbate" On Twitter: Anna Kendrick
Best New Walt Disney World 3D Ride That Isn't at Walt Disney World: Gravity
