Image via Complex Original
Rest assured, This Is the End is the best comedy of 2013. (It's also one of the most fun exercises in genre—just check out this look at the influences.) Get your friends, go laugh, forget about how the NSA's been keeping track of everything you've ever masturbated to. But don't forget what's really going on—a very elaborate game of "Would You Rather." In this case, who would you want to be trapped with on the day the world ends.
Using the power of science (that is to say, jokes and a third grader's understanding of priorities), we've evaluated the attributes of the cast members of This Is the End. These are the results.
RELATED: The 25 Best Ways Characters in Movies Have Spent Their Last Days
RELATED: Decoding "This Is the End": A Behind-the-Scenes Look at 2013's Best Comedy (So Far)
RELATED: The 25 Best Comedy All-Star Casts in Movies
Jay Baruchel
Age: 31
Cannibal appeal: Like some sort of meager Cornish game hen
Possible last day activity: Staring contests
How good are their jokes?: If you consider crippling awkwardness hilarious, then they're a riot
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: Tossability
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: The better question is, can he roll precise joints?
Verdict: Really, it depends on whether you're comfortable with Canadians.
Michael Cera
Age: 25
Cannibal appeal: Not a chance
Possible last day activity: Sweating nervously
How good are their jokes?: If you like 'em dry and uncomfortable, real good
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: LOL
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: Maybe Tylenol PM, but that's about it
Verdict: Panic will set in—early
Jonah Hill
Age: 29
Cannibal appeal: Not what it once was, but still solid
Possible last day activity: Moneyball, definitely
How good are their jokes?: Did you see Moneyball?
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: He's got that non-traditional sabermetric approach to scouting players
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: High
Verdict: Your day will be determined by how good of a sport Hill is when it comes to Moneyball busting.
Danny McBride
Age: 36
Cannibal appeal: Eh—boozy and a little old, like bad barbecue
Possible last day activity: Going through an old stash of vintage nudie magazines
How good are their jokes?: Amazing, if you're a T&A kind of person
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: Harsh language
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: Better odds that he'll have little airplane bottles of gin randomly on his person
Verdict: Equal parts dirty and weird, like hanging out with an estranged uncle
Craig Robinson
Age: 41
Cannibal appeal: Round and buttery, with the right lighting
Possible last day activity: Listening to his feelings
How good are their jokes?: Like a nourishing bowl of chunky soup
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: Crooning
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: Dude's got a record, so probably not
Verdict: Like how when you freeze to death you experience a moment of serene bliss before you go? Just like that.
Seth Rogen
Age: 31
Cannibal appeal: Delicious
Possible last day activity: Seeing how many Freaks & Geeks lines he can complete on the spot
How good are their jokes?: Hold on to your dick, lest you laught it right off
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: Two words: Green Hornet (i.e., you're fucked if the horde arrives)
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: "The odds can't get no better" *Bone Thugs sing-songy voice*
Verdict: It'll be just like that day you and your freshman-year roommate did mushrooms and walked around the quad, all sunny and bright.
James Franco
Age: 35
Cannibal appeal: Slim
Possible last day activity: Finger painting
How good are their jokes?: Depends on whether you get Pineapple Express Franco or Nights in Rodanthe Franco
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: He was in Tristan & Isolde, so that's gotta count for something
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: Did you even see 2011 Oscars?
Verdict: You're in for tons of fun. Also, Cormac McCarthy anecdotes?
Emma Watson
Age: 23
Cannibal appeal: How could you?
Possible last day activity: Playing the "Penis Game," giggling
How good are their jokes?: It doesn't matter because anything she says will sound adorable.
Potential attributes for fighting off danger: Spells
Likelihood that they'll have drugs: Not happening
Verdict: Best. Day. Ever.
