Zola’s Showgirls-esque Twitter story temporarily pushed the internet off the deep end earlier this year, miraculously summoning the powers of expert narrative structure and an ingeniously blurred line between fact and fiction that’s still making waves months later. In Zola’s wake, a wide variety of additional Twitter stories started to emerge, though few seemed capable of striking the same universal chord of nail-biting engagement. Until now:

Though the unofficially dubbed epic "Tina and the Gucci Flip-Flop" Twitter novella from @XLNB was initially picked up by BuzzFeed shortly before all this holiday nonsense started invading our timelines, the near-Zola level storytelling mastery is making the rounds once again in a very big way, and for good reason. This shit is stacked with plot twists not even the most frantic of soap operas could match. Though his "trapped in the closet" introduction hints at a very specific kind of story perhaps referencing R. Kelly, what follows is somehow so much more than that.

Grab the vice of your choice and enjoy "Tina and the Gucci Flip-Flop," the greatest (Twitter) story never told:

*catches breath*

This is where the emotional crux of the story really hits:

Thank you, Carlton memes. Thank you, Twitter. Thank you, 2015.