What The Hell Just Happened in Music This Week?

Move over Jay Z and Beyonce.

Rap has a new first couple, that is if Nicki Minaj accepts DJ Khaled's proposal. Yes, Khaled Khaled proposed to Onika earlier this week, and all hell broke loose on Twitter afterward.

But don't worry, not all is lost for Jay. He had the interview of the year with Elliott Wilson because, duh, it's Elliott and the two sat down at Yankee Stadium to talk parenthood, Magna Carta, and how Drake is the Kobe to Hov's Jordan.

Drake has still been pretty damn quiet, but he did manage to get in a quick apology this week (with J. Cole in tow), offering a mea culpa for his autism lyric on "Jodeci Freestyle." It was a mental challenge trying to figure out how sincere the two actually were though.

Meanwhile, the Ying Yang Twins are trying to reclaim "Hanh" because, well, no one can ever have nice things—we're looking at you, French Montana.

All that and more in What The Hell Just Happened in Music This Week?

Date: July 21

Remember the cover of Ludacris’ Chicken-n-Beer? You know the one with Luda munching on a lady’s leg like it was a drum stick? That's me. More often than I would wish. Except instead of a lady's leg, it’s my own foot. Over the years, I have said many things that have offended people. Usually inadvertantly. Not that I think I'm special in this way. We all say stupid things sometimes. What should we do when this happens? We should apologize. I am pro-apology. (In fact, I'm sort of a national expert on the subject.) I am even pro-the-half-apology, the kind that says, "I'm sorry that what I said offended you" without actually taking back the words. If you offend someone, even if you didn't mean any harm, even if you don't think what you said was all that terrible, you should still say sorry. Even if for the sake of trying to making someone else feel a little better, if only for the sake of making everyone's life, including your own, a little easier, you should say sorry.

But not if you're a rapper! Not if what you said that offended somebody was just lyrics in a song. Rappers are not politicians proposing policy. Songs are not conversations at a cocktail party. Rappers are artists expressing themselves in rhyme, often in a stream-of-consciousness style. Songs are art. There's a big difference. Art is art and it should be treated as such. Are some song lyrics stupid and offensive? No doubt. Lots of them, in fact. Should we live in a climate where rappers have to apologize for them? No.

This week, when J. Cole issued an official apology to the Autism Speaks organization for equating the words "autistic" and "retarded" on Drake’s “Jodeci Freestyle," he insisted that he wasn't doing so for the sake of “saving an endorsement or cleaning up bad press." But it sure seemed that way. (Especially since Cole has yet to apologize for using the word “faggot” earlier this year on his own song, “Villuminati." The Anti-Bullying Alliance has not started a petition against that one yet.)

This is a worrisome trend. This is the third such high-profile instance this year. (Rick Ross apologized to women, Lil Wayne to the family of Emmet Till.) Controversy over rap lyrics is nothing new. But in the era of social media, the campaigns calling for apologies are louder and more organized than ever. And, with more corporate sponsorship of music than ever, they're better able to hit rappers where it hurts: in their pocketbooks. So artists are crumpling under the pressure. And that sucks.

Cole's words were offensive. (As were—Jesus, lord knows!—those of Ross and Wayne.) And just stupid, displaying a gross misunderstanding of autism. But rather than apologzing, next time, how about just don't spit a wack rhyme like that? Or at least try not to. And if you do (if you are like me, when you do), if you say something in a song that you honestly come to regret, how about this as a way to set things right? Record a new song with different lyrics. Talk about what you learned and why your feelings on the subject have changed. But as for the social media campaigns and the petitions and the pressure from your corporate sponsors? Do like Luda did when Bill O'Reilly cost him his Pepsi deal, tell them it's just a rap lyric and if you don’t like it, you can blow it out your ass.

(Also, sorry about the self-promotion in the link above. And for dragging you into my ongoing infinite-regression spiral. It's a problem.) —Dave Bry

RELATED: J. Cole Writes Apology Letter To Autism Speaks

Date: July 22

2 Chainz is the master of many things: punchline raps, dancing like he's caught in spiderwebs, hilarious interviews, the list really goes on. And now, he can add master chef to his resume (or so he'd like us to believe).

If you've been following the Artist Formerly Known as Tity Boi on Instagram, you already know he's all about his cuisine—thanks to some very talented personal chefs. Like yesterday, for example. Chainz enjoyed some "Lump crab omelette, roasted red potatoes, sautéed asparagus & whole wheat English muffin: for breakfast:

He loved it so much that he cleaned his plate. We know this because he said "Kilt dat sht" and:

So, naturally (well, duh), he's going to include a cookbook in the packaging of his next album, B.O.A.T.S. II: Me Time. (Awesome album title BTW. I'd need me time, too, if some jerk was cooking me a lump crab omelette every morning.) With his help, every kid on this planet will eat their vegetables and say "If I die tonight I got a bank roll on me/Versace, cheese on my broccoli." You're welcome, parents. —Lauren Nostro

RELATED: 2 Chainz Plans to Include Cookbook With Release of "B.O.A.T.S. II: Me Time"

Date: July 22

It’s a dangerous thing, to accuse someone of stealing something that’s invisible. How do you know they stole it? How do you know it’s gone? How do you know it was yours in the first place? How do you know that you didn’t steal it first yourself? Take the word “Hanh,” which is invisible, as much a sound, really, as it is a word. It’s a distinctive way of of pronouncing the inquisitive, “Huh?” You know what it sounds like if you’ve listened to rap radio lately. Lots of people have been saying it. Kanye West, most famously probably. He’s been saying it for near ten years now—since 2004, at least. French Montana says it a lot, too. Most recently on the “Work” remix. “Hanh?” he said, before acknowledging the commonality. “That’s not Kanye! That’s Montana!”

This, apparently, has upset Atlanta’s lovable crunk-era relics the Ying Yang Twins. They, this week, released a song called “Sayin My Word” which begins with one of the Twins (it’s hard to tell twins apart) announcing that, “Every muthafucka from Atlanta already knows that I was the first muthafucka screaming ‘Hanh!’ So if you think you started it first, getcha mind right!” Then the whole song is about how people like Kanye West and French Montana stole their word, which they say they were saying way back in 2003. Which they were.

But words are tricky things, right? Difficult to trace. You can’t dust them for fingerprints or read their serial numbers. Because they’re invisible. They’re difficult to claim as one’s property. Because, who knows? Maybe you actually heard the word somewhere else before you started saying it, and saying that you were the first person to say it. Maybe you were drunk? Or stoned? Or both? It was the crunk era in Atlanta, after all. It’s easy to imagine that someone could have forgotten where they heard that word first, that sound, that particularly nasal pronunciation of “huh?” Maybe it’s older than people think.

Like, it could have been that you heard the way Juvenile said it, in New Orleans, way back in 1998. Or, maybe, even before that, when you were just dozing off one night, or only half-paying attention to the radio blasting from a passing car. Maybe you thought it was the Doppler effect, stretching the vowels in a repeated exclamatory expression.

Nope. That was Young Bleed hollering about, “Hanh!?” Way back in 1997, on the soundtrack to Master P’s movie I’m Bout It. You even saw that movie, too, right?

(Oh, Jesus, Ying Yang Twins, you couldn’t have thought that new song that Diddy was dancing to on his airplane was really a new song, did you? Please tell me that’s not it.) —Dave Bry

RELATED: The Ying Yang Twins Reclaim "HANH," Call Out French Montana and Kanye West

Date: July 22

The cover song as pop single is a long, storied, and important tradition. From Johnny Cash's late-life take on Nine Inch Nails's "Hurt" to Lauryn Hill nodding to Frankie Valli's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You," the art of the great cover is a tricky one to perfect. But when done right, the result can last through the ages, and in some instances, become more memorable than the original.

As such, Selena Gomez's cover of imprisoned contemporary dancehall legend Buju Banton's "Champion" is, in fact, more memorable than either the original "Champion" or the original's remix-single. How so? Because it's so goddamn terrible it makes me consider wanting to quit my job, climb to the top of the Jamaican Blue Mountains, renounce American pop music, confess every time I've ever attempted to speak patois or sang "Natty Dread" in the shower, douse myself in Blackwell rum, and light myself on fire. I won't. I'm going to stick it out. Because Buju's going to make some decent money off the royalties, and also if I quit my job I won't be here to preach the gospel and tell you how motherfucking horrible this new, garbage-ass piece of 2013 is. Also, I love singing "Natty Dread" in the shower.

But really, the difference between Selena Gomez and you, dear reader, or myself, or at least the important difference herein, is that we, you and I, would never want to insult the memory or the culture of the people who made reggae music by attempting to profit off of such a superficial and exploitative take on it. (Not to mention abhorrently unlistenable—which both my own and Selena Gomez's cover songs most definitely are.) Regardless, your takeaway here should be: (1) Go buy Buju's Til Shiloh, the incredible 1995 album that originally featured "Champion." (2) Promise yourself that if and when you have children you will never let them watch the Disney Channel or grow up to be Disney Channel stars because you don't want them to further the ruination and progressive homogonization of the various cultures of our world, as Selena Gomez is obviously trying to do. And finally, (3) FREE BUJU! —Foster Kamer

RELATED: Selena Gomez "Like a Champion"

Date: July 24

Earlier this week, a cutie by the name of Ariana Grande was on Big Boy's Neighborhood (BIG BOOOY!) on Power 106.1 in L.A., rapping along to Big Sean's "Guap." We imagine some of you are saying, “Who the hell is Ariana Grande?” While others may be on some, “Who cares if shorty from Nickelodeon was on the radio spitting Big Sean rhymes?”

We’ll explain the former and hopefully you’ll join us in caring about the latter.

Ariana Grande, a 20-year-old actress and singer from Boca Raton, Fla., has spent the last five years entertaining a number of different crowds. She won a National Youth Theatre Association Award for her portrayal of Charlotte in the Broadway production of 13, and played the role of Miriam in the play Cuba Libre, before hitting the bright lights of Hollywood as Cat Valentine, the innocent ditz with the amazing voice on Nickelodeon’s Victorious. That was one of many shows that a man named Dan Schneider has created for Nickelodeon. Dan was a former actor who might be best known as playing Dennis Blunden in Head of the Class, although his work as a television producer has included a string of hits for Nickelodeon that includes All That, Keenan & Kel, The Amanda Show, and iCarly. Ariana Grande played Cat until Victorious’ run ended in in February of 2013, but she was never just an actress.

It was always known that Ariana had a great singing voice. She’s a soprano who has a four-octave range and can hit that glass-piercing “whistle register." She's frequently compared to Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. In 2012, she and Victorious star Tori Vega sang “LA Boyz,” which was the first single from the third Victorious soundtrack. In the next logical move, it was announced that Ariana would be releasing her own album, Yours Truly, in September of 2013. Her sound dwells in that Mariah Carey pop/R&B lane, and has so far done well for her; the album’s first single, “The Way,” featured Mac Miller and sold 219,000 copies in its first week—making it the second best-selling first week of 2013, right behind Justin Timberlake’s “Suit & Tie”—and has gone on to crack the million mark. Her follow-up single, “Baby I,” released earlier this week, features writing and production from legendary R&B producer/artist Babyface. It's another great summer record with some back-to-the-future Mariah flavor.

She’s still a Nickelodeon star, reprising her Cat Valentine role on Sam & Cat, where she joins former iCarly star Jennette McCurdy in a new Dan Schneider-produced comedy. So, with a hot new single and a hot new show on her current resume, it makes sense that Ariana’s radio promo run ended up on Power 106, where she showed Big Boy that she could spit a Big Sean verse with (relative) ease. Sure she messed up a line, but she didn’t kick it like a drunken poseur, either. Ariana has a clear love for the song, and we can only imagine how far her love of hip-hop goes. Fact of the matter is, the multi-talented shorty is a problem musically. Are we looking at the next Nicki Minaj? —Khal

RELATED: Ariana Grande Can Rap Big Sean's "Guap" Better Than You

Date: July 24

From his take on the Harry Belafonte slight to his views on President Obama, Jay Z's interview with Elliott Wilson made a lot of noise this week. One line in particular sent b-ball loving rap nerds into a tizzy: When the Mike Jordan of rap called Drake "Kobe."

The speculation commenced immediately (not really, but bear with me): Was it a compliment? Kobe is, after all, the contemporary player most often compared to MJ. Or a sneak diss? Kobe was, after all, last seen hobbling off the floor with a torn Achilles, a 34-year-old man trying to keep up with cats 5 and 10 years younger than he (nevermind that he was in the midst of one of his finest seasons ever).

And if Drake is Kobe*, who's LeBron? Kanye? That must make Kendrick Lamar, aka the best rapper doing it right now, Kevin Durant, right? Is Birdman Phil Jackson? And since we're asking questions, where the fuck is Jay Electronica?!? In the legends category that would make Larry Bird Eminem (Best White Boy of All Time), Magic Johnson Tupac (West Coast legends with tragically short careers), Bruce Bowen Luke (dirty), Oliver Miller one of the Fat Boys (all them donuts). "Hey ma, where are the rest of my basketball cards?!?"

*With all due respect Jay, Drake ain't no Kobe. Kobe's got five rings and the fiercest mean mug since Darth Vader. Drizzy's got hashtag raps and a song called "Take Care." Game over. —Angel Diaz and Jack Erwin

RELATED: Jay Z Calls Drake the Kobe To His Jordan, Talks Trayvon Martin Verdict With Elliott Wilson

Date: July 24

Does Frank Ocean own Microsoft Office Suite? It wouldn't be surprising if he didn't. It's an expensive bundle of software, and he probably wouldn't need most of what it can do. Why would Frank Ocean need to make a PowerPoint presentation? (Though, when you think about it, a Frank Ocean-curated PowerPoint presentation would destroy.) Of course, he may have a friend enrolled in a university, and college kids can usually get the software for cheap through some special arrangement between their school and Microsoft. If he had a friend like this, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to have access to Microsoft Office, in which case he could use Microsoft Word.

Anyhoo, Frank Ocean, a sweet prince if there ever was one, ethered the ever-loving hell out of Chris Brown using Microsoft Word's Text Edit this past week. It was the computer software equivalent of stopping at a red light in the year 2000 and turning up the volume on Ja Rule's "Fuck You" from your burned copy of Rule 3:36. It was the computer software equivalent of telling your Keyboarding instructor to stop looking at you like that, because when you make it, you're gonna pay people to type your AIM conversations for you while you listen to Fat Joe and Ashanti's "What's Love?" (Because that'll always be your favorite song, even when you're really old, like 28).

Who uses Microsoft Word's Text Edit besides your grandparents? Why does Frank Ocean use it? Maybe he prefers the application's super-clean look, as compared to that of other word processing applications? We'll probably never know. Just like we'll probably never know what his "Versace" remix verse sounds like BECAUSE FRANK OCEAN HASN'T RECORDED IT YET. HE JUST POSTED THE LYRICS.

Miles Davis, the jazz musician, was cool, in part because he would do things like perform with his back to the audience. Frank Ocean is cool because he doesn't even record his best music.

Note: A person's music automatically becomes their best music when its content intends to hurt the feelings of the human-shaped garbage thing that is Chris Brown.

The lyrics to Frank Ocean's "Versace" verse, which he posted to his Tumblr page, made me fall out of my bed at 11:34 p.m. on a Wednesday night for a couple reasons. One, he rubs his shiny Grammy in the garbage monster's face. Two, he strings together a list of excellent people as a way of championing good things, and four of those people are women (Marina Abramovic, Madonna Louise Ciccone, Beyonce Knowles-Carter, and Donatella Versace). Three, he made a reference to Formula 1. I don't even understand Formula 1, and I find that special.

And then, just because he's cool, he admits to wearing some Dickies that he bought for 30 euros. Versace? He's not even into that.

Burned, everything and all of us. —Ross Scarano

RELATED: Frank Ocean Posted Lyrics to His "Versace" Remix on Tumblr With No Audio

Date: July 25

We suspect that DJ Khaled is the world's only real beneficiary of The Secret. It can be no coincidence that the film and its accompanying book were released in 2006, just prior to DJ Khaled's acension to rap industry greatness. Film producer and book writer Rhonda Byrne claims that positive thinking can create life-changing results. The book's primary "science" argues that the Law of Attraction dictates the order of the universe, which states that whatever energy we give off, we are likely to attract back. So if you are an angry person, you give off that energy, and anger will come back to you. As a general Do Unto Others kind of principle, it's not a bad way of looking at the world. As an overriding philosophy that comes down to "dream of being rich and you will become rich," it is largely bullshit.

Unless you are DJ Khaled, who has managed to Win simply by saying that all he does is win, who managed to take over simply by declaring that he was in the process of doing exactly that. His next step was announced this week, and it involves marrying Nicki Minaj. Although this inspired countless memes mocking the 37-year-old, Khaled's track record suggests there is approximately a .0847% chance that they will not be married by this time next year, thanks in large part to the law of attraction. —David Drake

RELATED: Stop The Presses: DJ Khaled Proposes to Nicki Minaj