Image via Complex Original
Hi there, Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter of The Daily Planet here. If there's one question I get a lot, it's "Clark... are you Superman?" Which is absolutely ridiculous! Now that that's out of the way, the second question I get is "Wow Clark, how do you always look so boring and inconspicuous?" And you know what? I literally ask myself that every day. That's why I'm so thankful the folks at Complex asked me to write this here article.
You know, I've always thought men's style should make you look as lame as possible. That's why my wardrobe is full of stuff most guys wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Why is that? Well, the less people look at you, the better. After all, it's not like you're harboring some deep secret like you're an alien in disguise—hahaha! How ridiculous! Learn how to blend in with your—I mean my—fellow humans by looking like a complete idiot. Feast your eyes on Clark Kent's Guide to Dressing Like A Menswear Herb.
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Keep your identification visible at all times.
After all, if not for your press credentials that clearly read "Clark Kent," people might mistake you for Superman! Ha, they are so mistaken!
Smile like an idiot.
An awkward smile does wonders for making people think you're a total lamestain. This right here is my face that says "I'm picturing everyone else in their underwear," because it helps me deal with my crippling social anxiety of course, not because I have x-ray vision and literally see everyone in their underwear. I mean—what kind of creep would do that?
Part your hair like a dickhead.
Everyone knows Superman has that trademark "S" curl from his forehead. I obviously don't. I believe that the best hair part is one that makes you look like a tool. No one takes me seriously with a 'do this dorky. Hell, Lois hardly gives me the time of day!
Pleats? Yes, please!
While straight leg pants are having a resurgence, I'm a firm believer in the power of pleats. Why's that? Well, you know, in case you need to wear stuff UNDER your clothes... like um, a compression suit of alien design. If that even exists. Not that I would know anything about htat.
V-neck sweaters are totally cool.
There is no other garment that boldly says "Nothing to see here folks, just a virgin" quite like the v-neck sweater over a shirt and tie. It just works on so many levels.
Make sure your lapels are wider than your face.
Wide lapels are great! No one will notice your perfectly square, superheroic jawline when your lapels look like they've been laid out by a steamroller. Go as a wide as possible! I say, if they're not almost touching your shoulders—you're doing it wrong, citizen!
It's important to dress a little "fun" too!
And by "fun" I mean like your high school basketball coach. Don't be afraid to wear gaudy floral ties and blazers the color of a seedy motel room carpet every now and then. When it's time for me to go casual—I prefer looking like a washed-up sports commentator.
Vests do impress!
Vests are underrated. I wear one every single time I get dressed. They look great, and also do a great job of concealing your undershirt. Say... if there's a very visible logo you can see underneath your tie (maybe because of the yellow and red on it?). Anyway, I'm a huge, huge fan of vests.
Fedoras go with everything.
Fedoras are the greatest hat in a man's wardrobe. They keep your hair in place, look great with a cotton khaki suit, and they let everyone know "this guy right here is totally normal." Sometimes, I even wear my fedora and vest just over a T-shirt, when I'm feeling extra fashionable.
If you've had a long day, it's okay to be a little ruffled.
People often assume I'm off to some secret inter-office trysts or something because of how quickly I disappear during a disaster and pop back up looking a little less cleaned-up than before. Not really sure how a guy in an unkempt suit says "I just saved a busload of children!" But I think if you've had a long day of getting your ass kicked by Lex Luthor and General Zod meeting last-minute deadlines, then you've earned the right to loosen that tie and undo that first button.
Take your style cues from The Matrix.
During my formative years, I went through a little dark period. Black jeans, black T-shirt, and the coup de grace, a black topcoat. I always liked that scene in The Matrix where Neo flies around draped in one, I figured that you know, if I had the ability of flight, it might look cool. I asked Superman about this look recently and he said "It was a really weird time in my life and I really wish the photos would just go away."
You totally need a man bag.
They're the perfect place to store your red ca—er, your electronic devices! And be sure to wear a helmet if you bike to work. Unless you happen to have invulnerable skin... but no one does! So I don't even know why I said that!
Think of buttons as "suggestions."
No one will suspect you're Superman because obviously I—um... he—always wears his costume underneath his clothes right?! Right?! Hahaha, I mean... is it really hot in here all of a sudden or is it just me?
Wear glasses; they're the best disguise ever.
I'm no man of steel, but I am a man of eyewear. I've developed a reputation for my spectacles, and for good reason—I'm hardly ever without them! Gosh, my eyes are so horrible I wouldn't be able to tell Lex Luthor from Doomsday at 2 feet away! But the best part about glasses is that I wear them, but Superman most definitely doesn't. I mean, that's pretty damning evidence that we're two completely different people, right?
If all else fails, grow a beard and dress like a vagrant.
Sometimes, you just need to reinvent your style. So for a while I got real gnarly, took a lot of drugs, and started dressing like a woodsman. I guess it was my Hunter S. Thompson moment. Ironically, around that time Superman started ripping apart innocent people because he hallucinated that they were evil trees. No one's perfect right?! I'm sure if he were to make a statement it'd be something along the lines of "Welp, learned my lesson about drugs. Definitely never doing shrooms again!" And I'm pretty sure we should take him at his word.
