Image via Complex Original
From a fan perspective, Thursday Night Football has been an unmitigated disaster for the NFL. The quality of any TNF showdown is automatically suspect, as short preparation times leave players visibly gassed, and coaches clearly unprepared. As such, we've been subjected to some of the worst games of the 2014-15 NFL season during this supposedly-prestigious time slot; the so-called "prime time" match-ups have often resulted in lopsided blowouts or low-scoring slap fights hampered by scarecrow defenses and equally ineffectual offenses.
Despite the low quality of competition, we can't expect the NFL to change gears on their ill-fated experiment any time soon. As of 2013, the NFL Network's reported gains from Thursday Night Football were an affiliate revenue increase of 56 percent, netting them $1.12 billion over the year. The cash cow will keep on feeding, even if its milk is sour.
However, we can't let the NFL's weekly meltdowns go completely unchecked. Tonight, the league will air its final TNF showdown of the season (between the Tennessee Titans and the Jacksonville Fucking Jaguars, no less). In honor of the end of our long national nightmare, we've ranked every Thursday Night Football game of the 2014-15 NFL from best to worst. Trust us, the latter end weighs heavier than the former.
[Note: We did not include the Thanksgiving match-ups. Let's not sully the name of a good tradition.]
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans, Week 6
Date: 10/9/2014
Result: 33-28, Colts
"WTF?" moment of the game: Andre Johnson's last-minute fumble
You would've been better off: Fighting Fox News' campaign to incite xenophobic fear about the Ebola virus.
Let's start with a game that actually wasn't a complete dumpster fire. The Colts and the Texans have both been fairly competitive this season, and managed to play each other close during their TNF divisional showdown back in October. Unfortunately for the Texans, the bad luck that has come to define their year (see: Jadeveon Clowney's season-ending injury, Ryan Mallet's season-ending injury, Ryan Fitzpatrick's season-endi—you get the point) reared its ugly head in the closing minutes after Andre Johnson fumbled the ball away while the Texans were driving down the field; from there, Andrew Luck bled the clock, securing the victory for the AFC South-leading Colts.
New England Patriots vs. New York Jets, Week 7
Date: 10/16/2014
Result: 27-25, Patriots
"WTF?" moment of the game: The fact that the New England Patriots defense was the first of the 2014-15 NFL season that failed to intercept one of Geno Smith's passes
You would've been better off:Fuh-reaking out about Neil Patrick Harris' Oscars hosting gig.
The New England Patriots have looked unstoppable at certain points throughout the 2014-15 season, so how did the New York Jets manage to play them so close? Let's chalk it up to the usual Thursday Night Football fatigue. Coming off a short break following a Week 6 victory against the Buffalo Bills, the Patriots were less prepared than they normally would be against the hapless Jets. Tom Brady should've run through the Gang Green like a pre-lap-band surgery Rex Ryan housing a bag of pretzel M&Ms. Not to worry, though, we'll get to see what New England looks like at full-strength against New York this Sunday, when the Pats come to play in MetLife Stadium.
Denver Broncos vs. San Diego Chargers, Week 8
Date: 10/23/2014
Result: 35-21, Broncos
"WTF?" moment of the game: The first Philip Rivers interception
You would've been better off:Vomiting up all the Better Ingredients© from a Papa John's pizza.
The Denver Broncos continued to assert their dominance in the AFC West, winning a game that wasn't even as close as the score may suggest. Denver led by three touchdowns for much of the second half, and Philip Rivers once again proved to us why he's simply the most "okay" quarterback imaginable. Seriously, can you think of anyone else who gets you halfway to where you need to be more consistently than Rivers? Andy Dalton, maybe?
Baltimore Ravens vs. Pittsburgh Steelers, Week 2
Date: 9/11/2014
Result: 26-6, Ravens
"WTF?" moment of the game: Ben Roethlisberger's double chin
You would've been better off: Watching Hero Dogs of 9/11 on Animal Planet.
Ben Roethlisberger couldn't lead the horses to water, while Joe Flacco struggled to complete a pass for more than six yards. The Steelers were shut out of the end zone thanks in part to a fat man interception by Haloti Ngata. Of course, no one would ever criticize a Ravens-Steelers game. It's a "rivalry showdown" between two "defensive powerhouses". Guys, this wasn't a bad game; it was just some good ol' fashioned "smash-mouth football"!
Oakland Raiders vs. Kansas City Chiefs, Week 12
Date: 11/20/2014
Result: 24-20, Raiders
"WTF?" moment of the game: Derek Carr's surprisingly competent quarterback play
You would've been better off: Popping bottles with the 2008 Detroit Lions.
While Andy Reid was busy flirting with the hot dog vendor he completely missed the fact that his team was down 14-3 at halftime against the 0-10 Oakland Raiders. Let's give a round of applause for the Chiefs, who were kind enough to sacrifice their playoff hopes for the sake of snapping Oakland's 16-game losing streak. The fans certainly appreciated the chance to watch the NFL's worst team appear halfway decent.
Miami Dolphins vs. Buffalo Bills, Week 11
Date: 11/13/2014
Result: 22-9, Dolphins
"WTF?" moment of the game: That moment when you realize Kyle Orton shaved his neckbeard
You would've been better off:Going up on a Thursday at LIV.
The Buffalo Bills and the Miami Dolphins are regularly two of the least inspiring teams in the AFC. Aside from brief insurrections by the New York Jets, the New England Patriots have had a stranglehold on the AFC East for over a decade. The Bills and the Dolphins are who we thought they are; they always are. Makes sense to give them a primetime showdown, right? Right!
Hah! No. Wrong. This game was lame as hell. Orton and the Bills couldn't score a single touchdown. We would've rather watched Dick Cheney run over a kitten with a monster truck.
Dallas Cowboys vs. Chicago Bears, Week 14
Date: 12/4/2014
Result: 41-28, Cowboys
"WTF?" moment of the game: Jay Cutler's overwhelming ennui
You would've been better off: Commiserating with Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer.
Jay Cutler's tenure with the Bears is nothing short of a complete disappointment, as the smokin' gunslinger has failed to produce anything resembling championship-level performance or, y'know, visible passion during his six seasons with the team. On Thursday Night Football, facing off against Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys, Cutler was as simultaneously good and bad as has ever been, scoring three touchdowns for the Bears and throwing one interception. However, in fairness, most of the blame for this loss belongs to the Bears defense, which put up about as much of a fight against the Cowboys as a paper bag would against a hurricane.
New York Giants vs. Washington Redskins, Week 4
Date: 9/25/2014
Result: 45-14, Giants
"WTF?" moment of the game: Kirk Cousins' first, second, third, and fourth interceptions
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As if we needed to see Washington's quarterback controversy-cum-death carousel spin its wheels on-screen. This time, we were treated to an appearance from that one awful Redskins quarterback who—Oh, no, I'm not talking about the guy who they traded three first-round draft picks for. No, not the one who led them to a 52-0 shutout against the St. Louis Rams, either. Kirk Cousins, that's him. Yeah, the one who threw four picks against the second-worst team in the NFC East. Glad we could clear that up.
Green Bay Packers vs. Minnesota Vikings, Week 5
Date: 10/2/2014
Result: 42-10, Packers
"WTF?" moment of the game: When you realize that Sam Steele is married to Christian Ponder
You would've been better off: Figuring out whether Tom and Jerry is actually racist.
In case you had forgotten that Christian Ponder was still a thing, Thursday Night Football filled you in on everything that you might have missed from the 12th overall pick of the 2011 NFL Draft. After all, an NFL season just isn't complete until we see Ponder throw two interceptions in one quarter. Good times.
Side note: Did you know that the Vikings passed on Colin Kaepernick and Andy Dalton by drafting Ponder instead? Dalton and Kaepernick aren't even terribly impressive right now, but Ponder's legal name might as well be "Christian 'Fucking' Ponder" at this point. Were the Vikings expecting something different when they drafted a quarterback who threw 49 TDs and 30 INTs throughout his collegiate career?
New Orleans Saints vs. Carolina Panthers. Week 9
Date: 10/30/2014
Result: 28-10, Saints
"WTF?" moment of the game: "[4-4] Saints take NFC South lead with win over Panthers"
You would've been better off: Writing an angry letter to Roger Goodell asking why the NFC South was given two Thursday games for the 2014-15 season.
No one needed to see the NFC South this season; we all could've been just as well off if their games had been blacked-out from every television channel available. Unfortunately, the NFL is a money factory bent on wringing every available dollar from as many nights of the weeks as its viewers will stand. Hence, the Carolina Panthers took on the New Orleans Saints on Thursday Night Football. Three cheers for greedy owners obsessed with opening up new revenue streams! Hip hip!
Arizona Cardinals vs. St. Louis Rams, Week 15
Date: 12/11/2014
Result: 12-6, Cardinals
"WTF?" moment of the game: Every drive that ended in a punt, field goal, or turnover i.e. all of them
You would've been better off: Reading the U.S. Senate's 6,000-page CIA torture report.
Who else was excited to watch two back-up quarterbacks fight to drive their teams within field goal range? It's Thursday Night Football, baby!
Atlanta Falcons vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Week 3
Date: 9/18/2014
Result: 56-14, Falcons
"WTF?" moment of the game: Josh McCown's $10 million contract
You would've been better off: Boycotting the NFC South.
The Buccaneers showed us just how bad they truly are, falling by six touchdowns to the Atlanta Falcons, which are currently 5-9. Apparently, when you fumble the ball away four times, you're going to have a hard time scoring? Go figure. Anyway, all the pre-season talk about Lovie Smith revitalizing Tampa Bay's defense quickly dissolved after the team's secondary let Julio Jones steamroll them like hot asphalt.
Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals, Week 10
Date: 11/6/2014
Result: 24-3, Browns
"WTF?" moment of the game: Andy Dalton's 2.0 (!!!!!!!!) QB rating
You would've been better off: Playing quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals.
When the NFL mercifully decides to let Thursday Night Football die, the epitaph for its tombstone need simply read: "Andy Dalton: 10/33, 86 yards, three INTs."
