Choosing a Premier League Team Based On Your Favorite Rapper

Image via Complex Original

Be a fan if your favorite rapper is: J. Cole

Song that best describes them: "Let Nas Down"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "I am the bravest, go toe to toe with the giants."

Where they finished last season: No. 3

Chances are if your favorite rapper is J. Cole, you probably appreciate samples, modest production, and the occasional radio hit. With that said, Arsenal is probably your kind of team, as they err on the side of conservatism when it comes to team building and play. 

Maybe more than anything, Arsenal has a reputation for being frugal and thoughtful with how they spend their money, the same way that J. Cole is measured and conscious in his raps. Yet both J. Cole and Arsenal provide their fans with a feeling of being a “big dog” without actually having the success or cache that the heavyweights do.

Yes, J. Cole’s last two albums sold more than 300,000 first-week copies each. And yes, Arsenal has qualified for the Champions League 19 years in a row, but the common thread between the two is that they don’t really beat the people they claim to be on par with. At this point it seems like J. Cole fans want to regard him in that top tier with the likes of Kanye, Drake, and Jay Z, but he doesn’t provide the versatility of any of those artists, or achievements for that matter (J. Cole has not outsold any of them in the first week). Similarly, Arsenal is usually in the conversation with clubs like Chelsea, Manchester United, and Manchester City, despite the fact that the Gunners have not won a Premier League title since 2004 and have never won a Champions League title ever. 

Admittedly, J. Cole and Arsenal will never make you look stupid for supporting them, but by that same token, being a fan of either means that you’re content with good, not great.

Be a fan if your favorite rapper is: Kanye West

Song that best describes them: "Champion"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "I ask, 'cause I'm not sure, do anybody make real shit anymore?"

Where they finished last season: No. 1

At this stage in Kanye West’s career, there is little to dispute in terms of viability, relevance, or success. The same can be said of Chelsea, having won the league four times in the last decade, including last season. 

Along with his musical genius, West’s fans seemingly celebrate his outspoken attitude and penchant for divisive actions, whether it’s saying "It ain't Ralph, though!" or calling himself a god. That celebration of confidence is all the more reason why if you’re a fan of West, you should be of Chelsea. The club is led by manager Jose Mourinho, who has no filter. Most recently Mourinho made headlines by saying "he doesn’t keep runner up medals, so he threw it to an Arsenal supporter.” That type of honesty (and borderline arrogance) should appeal to Kanye fans everywhere. In addition to Mourinho's braggadocio, Chelsea's squad features a combination of volatile players who can play multiple styles of soccer, just like Kanye can create music that are rooted in multiple genres. 

Between the versatility, constant success, and hubris that Chelsea demonstrates, Kanye fans should feel like they're rooting for Kanye himself when they watch Chelsea take the pitch. 

Root for them you're a fan of: Tyga

Song that best describes them: "Real or Fake"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "Looking around glass, my future is my past."

Where they finished last season: No. 11

Even with the help and support both Tyga and Everton get, both manage to fail to live up to expectations almost every chance they get. While Tyga has garnered a buzz because of his ability to churn out hits like "Rack City" and "Faded," he has failed to parlay that into substantial album success. Everton has also faced a similar fate in the Premier League, piling up strong individual assets without amounting much team success, finishing higher than sixth only once in the past five seasons. That includes last season's 11th place finish.

Mediocre albums and league finishes notwithstanding, assists from the likes Kanye West and Tim Howard have fans of both Tyga and Everton believing every year that maybe they can finally put it together and enjoy some success. But as always, they're destined to fall short because they're just not as good as their peers.

Being an Everton fan means you're somewhat okay with being delusional, considering there really is no basis for the high expectations set for them every year. But then again, being a Tyga fan probably requires a lot of lying to yourself, too. 

Root for them if you're a fan of: Big Sean

Song that best describes them: "Control"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "You wonderin' how do you get in the game, I'm wonderin' how do I get to the rafters."

Where they finished last season: No. 6

At this stage, Big Sean has developed a strong following based off of his frenetic flow, catchy hooks, and witty rhymes. But at the same time, there is still an underlying feeling that he hasn't cemented himself as a legitimate star, the way Drake and Kendrick Lamar already have. The same type of feeling seems to plague Liverpool, as their name is often brought up in the same light as clubs like Arsenal, Manchester City, and Chelsea, in spite of the fact that they haven't won a Premier League title since 1990.  

Still, the way Big Sean can rap about how much he doesn't like his ex anymore, is endearing in the same way that Liverpool is capable of running up the score on opponents, while ignoring defense all together. Those approaches to music or rapping are probably not sustainable, or conducive to big-time success, but it will provide a good time—at least for a little bit—which is why Big Sean fans need to accept Liverpool into their lives.

Root for them if you're a fan of: Drake

Song that best describes them: "10 Bands"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "10 bands, 50 bands, 100 bands, fuck it, man."

Where they finished last season: No. 2

Whether you want to admit it or not, being a fan of Drake means that you’re a fan of the hottest artist in music right now. And despite not winning any titles last season, Manchester City reflects the same relevance, success, and bravado that Drake does with every feature, single, and album he drops. 

Like Lil Wayne helped Drake, Manchester City began to make noise in 2009 (fifth-place finish in the Premier League) with the help of some friends—most notably Sheikh Mansour. Since then, both have dominated their respective fields, with Drake releasing four straight no. 1 albums, and Manchester City winning two Premier League titles. 

That’s not to say that Manchester City and Drake haven't had criticism sent their way—Drake for singing/using ghostwriters, Manchester City for "buying" championships— but it’s clear that none of that has slowed either of them down. Now, both are established giants set to stay at the top, with Drake having unlimited resources and artists at his disposal, and Manchester City having a bottomless bank account to pursue any player they want. 

It's true that both were and to an extent still are unorthodox in how they go about succeeding, but it's tough to argue with Premier League titles, sold out shows, and your own festival. Drake and Manchester City may not have the most decorated pasts, but there's no denying that if you're supporting them now, you're bound to come close to "Trophies" this season. 

Root for them if you're a fan of: Jay Z

Song that best describes them: "Crown"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "Even my old fans like, 'Old man, just stop'/If I could, I would, but I can't, I'm hot."

Where they finished last season: No. 4

Established, rich, and old: all traits that both describe Jay Z and Manchester United. 

After dominating the late 90s and early 2000s, both have become symbols for prolonged relevance, decadence, and opulence. Although it's tough not to be a fan of good music or soccer,  both have lost some of that charm that made them endearing to fans earlier in the millennium, as they both became behemoths in their competitive spaces. On top of that, they haven't lived up to the wealth that they have recently been exhibiting. 

In addition to the money he spends on general flexing, Jay Z has also spent $56 million on Tidal, showing that he is willing to pay any amount to crush the competition, regardless of whether it's in rap or music streaming. Similarly, Manchester United has been known to splurge on top transfer targets like Angel Di Maria (£59.7 million), Juan Mata (£37.1 million), and Wayne Rooney (£27 million), to get an upper hand on their competition. Despite their spending, the pair have had a disappointing last couple of years, with Manchester United struggling to finish in the top four of the Premier League, and Jay Z possibly taking a major L after Tidal has struggled in recent months.

Although Manchester United and Jay Z have underachieved over the past couple of years, they both have the cache and money to stay relevant and claim the throne in their respective fields. 

Root for them if you're a fan of: Future

Song that best describes them: "Move That Dope"

Lyric that describes the feeling among fans: "Where your ass was at dog, when I was on my come up?"

Where they finished last season: No. 5

No, nothing Tottenham hasn't done recently is nearly as earth-shattering as Dirty Sprite 2​. But still, the way Harry Kane and Tottenham provided highlight reel goals all of last season is reminiscent of Future coming with memorable hooks and lines over the past year. 

Yes, Future may seem to only churn out club bangers, and Tottenham may just provide highlights, but sometimes that's all fans need—pure unadulterated entertainment, or Future saying he has "Jackie Chan moves, got the game in the choke." 

And in their defense, both Future and Tottenham showed flashes of something more substantial moving forward, with Future being considerably more thoughtful on DS2 and Tottenham defeating teams like Arsenal and Chelsea convicingly last season. Even if those end up being aberrations, and Future and Tottenham don't take that next step, being a fan of them is still being a fan of fun.

Root for them if you're a fan of: Troy Ave

Song that bests describes them: "Doo Doo"

Lyric that speaks to the fan base: "Dooo di doooo doo do do, dooo di doooo dooo do do."

Where they finished last season: No. 17

There's something commendable about staying "in the game" even if you're perennial bottom feeder, which is exactly what Aston Villa and Troy Ave are. Aston Villa manages to escape relegation every year, and Troy Ave finds a way to stay in the public eye, which for any struggle rapper is a tremendous feat.

Bleak history aside, it's ridiculous to say for certain that neither of them can't find success down the line, it's just highly unlikely at this point, with Troy Ave moving less than 4,000 copies of his last album, Major Without a Deal, in the first week, and Aston Villa struggling to finish higher than 15th in the Premier League. 

If you're a fan of Troy Ave, you're not expecting much going forward in terms of albums sales or international notoriety. The good news is that misery loves company, and if the past is any indication, supporting Aston Villa should help you along your journey.