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The holy trinity for television programmers, whether on cable or basic: cops, doctors, and lawyers. When all else fails during pilot season, just give green-lights to whatever new dramas are set inside precincts, hospitals, or courtrooms, and make sure the characters are as emotionally troubled as they are good at their respective jobs. That's why, every fall season and mid-season, the majority of new TV shows look and feel maddeningly like NYPD Blue, E.R., and L.A. Law. But restrict your attention to the last two years and you'll notice something else: TV executives are now all about horror.
Stemming from the huge Nielsen successes of AMC's The Walking Dead and FX's American Horror Story, programmers have fallen ever so slightly back on those aforementioned character types in favor of vampires, werewolves, demon hunters, Washington Irving protagonists, and other genre mainstays. But how to choose which ones are worth DVRing or, gasp, actually watching live? Who wants to waste their time away from school or work watching dull ghouls fall in love without ever doing anything, you know, horrific? Isn't that what YA movie adaptations and reality TV dating shows are for?
Because we're dedicated to making your TiVo pre-setting decisions count, allow us to help you sift through television's darkest hours. This is our guide for answering the following question: Which Type of Scary TV Show is Right For You?
The Walking Dead (AMC)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 3
New episodes begin: Season four premieres on October 13.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: Yes
What's it like?: Like a classic George A. Romero zombie flick (i.e., Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead), complete with KNB EFX Group's amazing makeup and gore, but with even less humor, grimier locations, several useless characters, and more crossbow action.
Type of monster(s): Zombies
Scare factor (from 1-10): 6
Is it sexy?: There are sex scenes, but they're surrounded by so much human desperation and violence, it's like a bad night in Jersey. Don't expect to jill or jack to anything here.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 4
New episodes begin: Season five premiered last night at 8 p.m.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: Yes
What's it like?: Like fang-biter fan-fiction as written by a horny teen who prefers Robert Pattinson to Bela Lugosi. More heavy petting than scares, in other words.
Type of monster(s): Vampires, werewolves, hybrids of both
Scare factor (from 1-10): 1
Is it sexy?: Considering that every person in its universe is either handsome or gorgeous, and favors love triangles or violence, it's as sexy your inner teenybopper heart will allow it to be.
The Originals (The CW)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: None
New episodes begin: Season one premiered last night at 9 p.m.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like Treme, if David Simon viewed New Orleans as ripe for vampire/werewolf romance and baby mama drama, instead of a conversation about class, music, and democracy. In other words, if David Simon and his daughter had a Freaky Friday moment.
Type of monster(s): Vampires, werewolves, hybrids of both
Scare factor (from 1-10): 1
Is it sexy?: Yes, for one reason: Ms. Phoebe Tonkin, the Aussie beauty currently heating up the pages of October/November 2013 issue. #shamelessplug
Hemlock Grove (Netflix)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 1
New episodes begin: Season 2 premieres in Spring 2014.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: Yes
What's it like?: Like a teenage take on the classic Universal Monsters (Dracula, the Wolfman, Frankenstein) that's modernized, glamourized, and, based on the underwhelming first season, lobotomized.
Type of monster(s): Vampires, werewolves, a pseudo-Frankenstein's monster
Scare factor (from 1-10): 5
Is it sexy?: The subpar acting makes its sexual tension feel like low-rent porn—before any of the actual sex happens. Also, the horror on this show is more gross than anything else. This could hurt boners everywhere.
American Horror Story (FX)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 2 (but not really)
New episodes begin: Season three premieres on October 9, at 10 p.m. EST.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: Yes
What's it like?: Like something created by the world's most schizophrenic and audacious horror movie fanatics after an LSD bender inside a brothel. And each season tells a different complete story. The upcoming one deals with witches.
Type of monster(s): You name it, it's got it.
Scare factor (from 1-10): 7
Is it sexy?: Depends on how you feel about rubber body suits, maid outfits, and nymphomaniacs—which is all to say: Yes.
Being Human (SyFy)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 3
New episodes begin: Season four premieres in January 2014
Is it streaming on Netflix?: Yes
What's it like?: Like Three's Company remixed with a beautiful and sassy ghost (Meaghan Rath), a hunky and emo bloodsucker (Sam Witwer), and wisecracking wolfman (Sam Huntington).
Type of monster(s): Vampires, ghosts, werewolves
Scare factor (from 1-10): 3
Is it sexy?: Yes, but in that PG-13, cleavage-is-your-climax kind of way.
Supernatural (The CW)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 8
New episodes begin: Season nine premieres on October 8, at 9 p.m. EST
Is it streaming on Netflix?: Yes
What's it like?: Like The Hardy Boys if Frank and Joe lived inside the pages of Fangoria and had lifelong gym memberships—buff guys bruising new monsters each week.
Type of monster(s): Ghosts, creatures, demons, oh my!
Scare factor (from 1-10): 5
Is it sexy?: Are you a 15-year-old girl in search of two poor man's Channing Tatums for the price of one? If so, then yes. You'll like this very much.
Grimm (NBC)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 2
New episodes begin: Season three premieres on October 25, at 9 p.m. EST.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like every other police procedural on network television, but made uniquely entertaining thanks to its kitchen-sink approach to fairy tale monsters as antagonists.
Type of monster(s): Every kind of monstrous Grimm's Fairy Tale variation imaginable
Scare factor (from 1-10): 4
Is it sexy?: No. The show's producers have yet to apply its shaky CGI effects to anything resembling Jessica Rabbit on her worst day.
Sleepy Hollow (FOX)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: None
New episodes begin: Season one is currently airing Monday nights at 9 p.m. EST.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like if Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow mated with Joss Whedon's weird science procedural Fringe and had a multiracial, totally insane, and humorous baby.
Type of monster(s): A headless ghost, demons
Scare factor (from 1-10): 4
Is it sexy?: Not yet, but there's clear sexual tension between Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) and police officer Abbie Mills (Nicole Beharie). Until they go full Olivia Dunham and Peter bishop (we see you, Fringe fans), keep those icepacks handy for potential blueballs.
True Blood (HBO)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 6
New episodes begin: Season seven, the show's final one, will premiere in Summer 2014.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like Twilight—i.e., fueled by conflicts between pretty-faced vamps, brawny lycans, and dreamy humans—if Stephanie Meyer was, instead, softcore maverick Russ Meyer. So, yeah, boobs, pecs, and lots of humping around. Bloodletting, too. And maybe an allegory about being gay in America?
Type of monster(s): Vampires, werewolves, evil fairies, witches
Scare factor (from 1-10): 3
Is it sexy?: More boobs and butts than you can shake Alex Skarsgård's dick at.
Dracula (NBC)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: None
New episodes begin: Season one premieres on Oct. 25, at 10 p.m. EST.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like Bram Stoker's Revenge, with the London-born Dracula (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) posing an an American in order to seek vengeance against betrayers.
Type of monster(s): Vampires
Scare factor (from 1-10): 3
Is it sexy?: If a woman's exposed neck is your bag, it's a skin flick every Friday night.
Hannibal (NBC)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: 1
New episodes begin: Season two begins in early 2014.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like Silence of the Lambs, but with the flare of the Food Network. The beloved cannibal of the Oscar-winning film, Hannibal Lecter, played here by Mads Mikkelsen, treats his kills like art pieces. So the show is also like a trip to a museum—of pain!
Type of monster(s): Serial killers
Scare factor (from 1-10): 8
Is it sexy?: What's the polar opposite of "sexy"? Paula Deen? Yeah, Paula Deen. The brutal, gory, and aggressively bleak Hannibal is Paula Deen, but much scarier. (Worth nothing that, unlike Paul Deen, Hannibal is not racist.)
Witches of East End (Lifetime)
Number of seasons you need to catch up on: None
New episodes begin: Season one premieres on October 6, at 10 p.m. EST.
Is it streaming on Netflix?: No
What's it like?: Like Disney's Hocus Pocus if the three witches were stunningly gorgeous, dressed in designer threads, and went all woe-is-men about women's issues. Because, you know, Lifetime.
Type of monster(s): Witches
Scare factor (from 1-10): 1
Is it sexy?: On the Lifetime scale, it's closer to The Client List than America's Supernanny, but not quite on Jennifer Love Hewitt's level.
