This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes meth-sprinkled tea, Visine -infused baby bottles, and an NYC subway slip-n-slide. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes meth-sprinkled tea, Visine -infused baby bottles, and an NYC subway slip-n-slide. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:

Date: 6/30/2014
Location: Brevard County, Fla.
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 8

Further confirming that even the law is absurd in the state of Florida, a judge allegedly threw the hands with a an assistant public defender outside of a courtroom.

The Associated Press, Brevard County Judge John C. Murphy penned a letter of apology yesterday, saying his Jun. 2 punch of Andrew Weinstock "tarnished the reputation of the entire judiciary." He elected to fall back and take a leave of absence, but returned to bench this morning where a spokeswoman for the court said he'll now handle civil cases.

His behavior, while ridiculous, is very Floridian in nature. Though he should know better, he couldn't even help himself.

Date: 6/30/2014
Location: Provo, Utah
Crime: Possession of meth and possession of drug paraphernalia
Ratchet Meter: 9

A Utah woman who was arrested for trying to buy methamphetamine from an off-duty cop explained that she was trying to buy her sister a birthday gift. Her sister probably would've been happier with a cake.

The Associated Press reports that Heather Rodriguez, 46, was arrested in Provo, Utah on Monday June 30th after strolling up to the officer with a glass pipe, then announcing that she wanted to buy some meth. She would later say that it was a friend's pipe, as if that mattered.

For her puzzling stupidity (the cop was off-duty, but did he have a "I sell meth" sign on his forehead?), Rodriguez was charged with possession of meth and possession of drug paraphernalia in a drug-free zone.

Date: 6/27/2014
Location: Hutchinson, KS
Crime: Arson
Ratchet Meter: 8

A Kansas woman who's severely lacking in the common sense department was arrested on Friday for setting a small fire at a duplex to kill a spider.

Around 1:36 a.m. Friday June 27, the Hutchinson Fire Department received a call about the fire. They arrived to find smoke coming from 34-year-old Ginny M. Griffith's portion of the duplex. According to the Hutchinson News, Griffith started the blaze by igniting towels with a cigarette lighter in a haphazard attempt to end the spider's life.

Though the building suffered just minor damage and no injuries were reported, Griffith was charged with aggravated arson because there were people present in the other half of the duplex. No word on if she actually killed the spider.

Date: 6/27/2014
Location: Wilmington, De.
Crime: Theft and assault
Ratchet Meter: 8

A Delaware man was arrested after he was caught trying to recover 72 frozen chickens that he stole from a delivery truck.

The Associated Press reports that Ronald Johnson, 49, stole the chickens from a truck making a delivery in Wilmington, De. on Friday June 27th. Authorities tells the Associated Press that Johnson then stashed the goods at a day care center in the area before making his grand exit.

However, when Johnson attempted to return and claim the chickens, an employee approached him. He proceeded to slice the employee on the back and hand with a knife, but police later apprehended him following a brief foot chase.

The chickens were returned to the driver, and Johnson was charged with theft and assault.

Date: 6/29/2014
Location: Lansing, Mich.
Crime: Driving impaired with suspended license
Ratchet Meter: 7

Recently, a Michigan man was arrested for operating a snowmobile under the influence. Two questions remain: Why was he behind the wheel while under the influence, and why the hell was he on a snowmobile in June?

The Smoking Gun reports that unnamed 43-year-old was crashed the snowmobile into a tree in Lansing, Mich. on Sunday June 29 while racing through an alley. He was rushed to the hospital after sustaining injuries. After reviewing the man's blood-alcohol levels, prosecutors will reportedly push for driving while impaired in addition to driving with a suspended license.

According to the Smoking Gun, this would be the man's third drunk-driving offense.

Date: 6/29/2014
Location: Orlando, Fla.
Crime: Pending
Ratchet Meter: 9

The owner of a Florida barbershop was arrested after it was revealed that the business also doubled as a strip club.

WFTV reports that authorities raided Super Fades in Orlando, Fla. early Sunday June 29, discovering not only nude dancers, but liquor being sold without a license. Oh, and one of the girls was 17. Local 10 says Derrick Price, 43, was arrested, but told police he wasn't operating an illegal business within his business.

"It's customer appreciation," he told WFTV. "I thank my customers for coming in and supporting me, that's all it was."

Police alleged that Price was charging $10 for entry, a claim he denied. A stripper pole that was installed in the middle of the shop was also removed during the raid.

Date: 6/30/2014
Location: Idyllwild, Calif.
Crime: Child endangerment
Ratchet Meter: 9

An Oregon woman visiting family in Southern California was arrested Monday after her two-year-old granddaughter ingested tea that contained methamphetamine.

The Associated Press reports that Cynthia Watson, 51, made tea June 29, then added a bit of meth to get high. Her granddaughter reportedly drank some of it after she walked away. The girl's mother called police the next morning saying the child hadn't slept and was "talking rapidly, scratching, and couldn't sit still."

Watson was charged with child endangerment, while the girl is expected to fully recover.

Date: 7/1/2014
Location: Gettysburg, Pa.
Crime: Endangering the welfare of children, aggravated assault of children
Ratchet Meter: 9

A woman who was arrested in Pennsylvania admitted to poisoning her children with Visine.

According to the Associated Press, police in Gettysburg, Pa. arrested 23-year-old Samantha Unger after it was suspected that she had been poisoning her sons. She told them she added Visine to her 3-year-old son's drinks, which her year-old son accidentally consumed. The Associated Press adds that her arrest affidavit's show that she confessed to putting over a bottle of eye drops in her son's juice over time.

Both of her son's eventually became ill. Her 3-year-old had to be airlifted to the hospital because his pulse was frighteningly low, and doctors suspected the children were being poisoned after finding traces of Tetrahydrozoline in his urine.

Unger was charged with endangering the welfare of children and aggravated assault of children, but avoided an attempted murder charge due to the absence of intent.

Date: 6/28/2014
Location: Atlanta, Ga.
Crime: Theft and assault
Ratchet Meter: 8

Remember when Jay-Z said "I forgive your weak ass, hustin' just ain't you" on the original "Dead Presidents"? That applies to this would-be thief, who broke down and began crying after stealing money from a Georgia motel.

The Huffington Post reports that the man had taken "handfuls" of money from a Days Inn outside of Atlanta. Furthermore, the clerk present at the time told investigators with the Dekalb County Sheriff's Office that he went from frustration to tears when informed that she couldn't access the safe or security cameras.

He soon exited, gun in hand and tears in his eyes. He left his pride at the scene of the crime as evidence.

Date: 7/1/2014
Location: New York, N.Y.
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 7

Heat, idle hands, and technology have made this subway Slip 'N Slide possible.

According to Gothamist, this random act of boredom took place aboard a Q train returning from Coney Island. In this video, which comes courtesy of EddieGoing, there's slipping, sliding, and ample giggling, but the participant is probably the only person that would have fun doing this. Plus, whoever had to clean that mess up was probably pissed, though worse certainly does happen aboard the New York City subway.