The Most Ratchet Stories of 2014 (So Far)

Date: January 2014
Location: Glendale, Ariz.

Jessica Burlew, 16, strangled her 43-year-old boyfriend, Jason Ash, to death with an extension cord while the two were having sex. Burlew was charged with second-degree murder as an adult, even though the sex that she was having with Ash was non-consensual and, therefore, illegal, because she's a minor. What's really troubling is that her mother was fully aware that she was having sex with a man nearly three times her age. In her house, nonetheless.

Date: February 2014
Location: Chicago

Timothy Margis was terminated from his post as Concordia University's head of security for ejaculating into a co-worker's shoe. The woman told police she saw the 38-year-old buttoning his pants after leaving her office, then found the evidence in her shoe. Margis admitted to the vile act during questioning, and was immediately suspended and banned from campus. He got the axe the following morning.

Date: February 2014
Location: Sumter, S.C.

So you're out having dinner and your card gets declined. How can you possibly make the situation worse? Try to pay using an obviously fake trillion dollar bill. That's what 53-year-old Michael Williams did when his card got rejected at an Applebee's, so the restaurant had no choice but to call police, who arrested Williams, trillion dollar bill and all.

Date: February 2014
Location: Stamford, Conn.

When a teacher's assistant found Michael Luecke lying on the ground in the hallway of Westhill High School, she thought he was injured. As it turns out, the 72-year-old substitute music teacher had his hands in his pants, allegedly pleasuring himself the whole time. The woman informed school officials, who summoned police, and Luecke, who claimed he was just fixing his pants, was arrested. Needless to say, he was fired as well.

Date: March 2014
Location: Tampa, Fla.

Bernard Marsonek, 57, was arrested for engaging in sexual intercourse with a pit bull in his front yard. After ordering him to stop, his neighbors called the Tampa Police Department, who took the convicted felon into custody and searched his home. During the search, they found a handgun, ammunition, and eight pit bulls who deserve a much better home.

Date: March 2014
Location: Flagler County, Fla.

Daniel Allen Noble, 37, entered a bar "dressed like Rambo" and began threatening patrons with an "Uzi-style" assault rifle. Two men were able to subdue him during a confrontation, leaving him unconscious. Oddly enough, Noble had been drinking at the same bar earlier in the day with no conflict. No one knows why he returned with such hostility.

Date: March 2014
Location: Uintah County, Utah

Cameo Adawn Crispi, 31, was accused of trying to burn her ex-boyfriend's house down using bacon. Crispi was reportedly blowing his phone up to no avail, prompting him to call police. When they arrived at his home, they were greeted by smoke, as well as the distinct smell of bacon. They found Crispi, "obviously impaired," "a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around [it]," and a pound of charred bacon. Sometimes, relationships get ill.

Date: April 2014
Location: Omaha, Neb.

Anthony Floyd, 24, had his testicles partially ripped off by Marcus M. Escamilla, 34, during a fight in the library of the Douglas County Jail. Neither man was armed, and Floyd had to have his testicles reattached at the Nebraska Medical Center. Both men were incarcerated on first-degree murder charges.

Date: April 2014
Location: Ocala, Fla.

Most people who come down from an all-day crack bender probably try to relax, or something. Chrystal Hassell, 37, didn't have that luxury, as she gave birth in a motel bathtub, then cut the umbilical cord with her teeth. Instead of calling 911, she called her boyfriend, Vincent Terry, who was running an errand with their 11-month-old son. In his rush to help her, he was pulled over by Marion County deputies, who learned that he had an outstanding warrant for attempted murder in Colorado. Both were arrested, and this story is the definitive Florida mess.

Date: April 2014
Location: Greeley, Colo.

Four fourth-graders were caught buying and selling marijuana—in Colorado, where recreational marijuana is now legal, mind you—the day after 4/20. One of them reportedly sold the others a bag of weed for $11 at Monfort Elementary School, and another student who witnessed the transaction told a teacher. How the hell did a 10-year-old get access to weed? He took it from his grandparents. The students faced disciplinary action, but were not expelled.

Date: April 2014
Location: Huainan, China

In the year's most shocking video so far, a man was filmed hurling a one-year-old child into the air like a rag doll following what looks like a confrontation inside of a store. It requires multiple viewings to even process what you're seeing.

Date: May 2014
Location: Philadelphia

You shouldn't have to tell people not to masturbate on public transportation, but sense just isn't common. This man was filmed in action by a Temple University Ph. D student that he sat down next to and pleasured himself as if he was in the privacy of his own home. He didn't stop, not after she told him she was recording him, and not even though there was a child present. He finally stopped when other passengers confronted him, and both the woman and the driver contacted police. Beware of who sits next to you on the bus.

Date: May 2014
Location: Longview, Texas

Charity Anne Johnson, an official grown-ass woman, was arrested for posing as a high school sophomore. Using the name "Charity Stevens," the 34-year-old enrolled at Longview, Texas' New Life Christian School in March while pretending to be 15-years-old. She gained sympathy from others by spinning a sordid tale of abuse at the hands of her father, who, like her mother, had passed away and left her homeless. Be careful who you trust.

Date: May 2014
Location: Polk County, Fla.

Names really doom some people. In the most Floridian story of 2014 thus far, Crystal Metheney was arrested for allegedly shooting a BB rifle into a vehicle that carried three minors, including her boyfriend's daughter. Authorities (and the rest of the world) are still unsure why Metheney opened fire on the vehicle, but the act violated state statute 790.19, which prohibits behavior including: "Shooting into or throwing deadly missiles into dwellings, public or private buildings, occupied or not occupied; vessels, aircraft, buses, railroad cars, streetcars, or other vehicles." Oh, Florida.

Date: June 2014
Location: Bronx, N.Y.

A Bronx wedding reception ended with Juan Martinez, 58, being stabbed in the leg during a dispute over who would take leftover cans of food and the sterno being used to heat it. Martinez later passed away at St. Barnabas Hospital from his wounds, but what's really tragic is that it was his cousin who stabbed him.