This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes the world's handsomest mugshot, marijuana hide-and-seek, and grocery store masturbation. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

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Date: 6/11/2014
Location: Panama City Beach, Fla.
Crime: Possession of marijuana with intent to sell
Ratchet Meter: 9

In a crime that, as The Kid Mero would say, is "mad Floridian in nature," a Florida man was arrested for trying to sell marijuana to a police officer-who was in uniform at the time.

The Smoking Gun reports that Terandell Coleman, 28, approached a Panama City Beach police officer on June 11th and, through the use of "slang words," communicated that he was trying to sell Lt. John Deegins weed. Never one to turn down a simple arrest, Deegins showed interest.

Coleman proceeded to park the baby stroller he was pushing that carried his two-month-old child, then offered to sell Deegins $25 worth of marijuana. He was promptly arrested for possession with the intent to sell, as well as child neglect for trying to sell weed while babysitting. According to police a document, he left the stroller unattended "15 to 20 feet away" during the doomed sale-who does that?

Date: 6/12/2014
Location: Deland, Fla.
Crime: Theft from a merchant
Ratchet Meter: 10

A Florida woman was arrested for shoving seven lobster tails down her pants at a grocery store.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, Nichole Reed, 30, was caught stuffing the lobster tails into her pants at a Deland, Fla. Publix. A security guard who witnessed this told police that Reed then proceeded to exit without paying.

The Orange City native was apprehended shortly after and, according to a police report, explained that she ventured to the store with "the intent to steal," adding that she planned to trade the lobster tails with a friend, then possibly purchase Chinese food. Or painkillers.

Reed was charged with theft from a merchant in yet another barter system failure out of Florida.

Date: 6/14/2014
Location: Fresno, Calif.
Crime: Suspicion of several drug charges
Ratchet Meter: 8

Authorities in California say a man transformed his retirement community apartment into a meth lab.

The Associated Press reports that Robert Short, 64, of Fresno, Calif. was pulled over by police during a routine traffic stop on Saturday June 14th. However, things got considerably less routine when police discovered meth, scales and baggies typically associated with drug-dealing inside of his vehicle.

After venturing to Short's residence, the California League-Fresno Village, police found half a pound of methamphetamine, the materials to required to cook meth, and heroin.

According to the Associated Press, Short was already on supervised release for previous drug-dealing offenses. So much for redemption.

Date: 6/13/2014
Location: Osteen, Fla.
Crime: Possession of cocaine and marijuana
Ratchet Meter: 9

Police in Florida arrested two men on June 13th after finding drugs in their possession, including marijuana hidden beneath one man's belly.

The New York Daily News reports that police pulled over a vehicle near Osteen, Fla. That Friday after noticing that the passenger was not wearing a seat belt.

The 450-pound passenger, 42-year-old Christopher Mitchell, reportedly told officers that he was "too fat" for a seat belt. However, when the two men appeared uneasy, police brought in a drug-sniffing dog that picked up on the scent of cocaine and marijuana. A search of Mitchell produced 23 grams of weed, tucked securely beneath his enormous gut. Furthermore, cocaine was found on the driver, 38-year-old Keithian Roberts.

A handgun was found in the vehicle's middle console, and a tube sock stuffed with $7,000 was recovered during the search, as well.

Date: 6/16/2014
Location: Queens, N.Y.
Crime: Charges pending
Ratchet Meter: 8

The night of June 16th, a man that police had arrested and handcuffed in Queens for allegedly selling drugs somehow managed to steal a police car and escape. Now, the NYPD is asking the public for help finding him.

According to the New York Post, police arrested Bryan McMenamin for selling heroin around 7 p.m. in the Glendale section of Queens. After being placed in the back of a police vehicle with another suspect, he reportedly managed to get his cuffed hands in front of his body, jump in the driver's seat and escape. After traveling about a mile, McMenamin is said to have parked the car and fled on foot.

The Post adds that an officer who was hit by McMenamin during his miraculous escape was treated at Long Island Jewish Hospital. Meanwhile, McMenamin remains at large.

Date: 6/15/2014
Location: Myrtle Beach, S.C.
Crime: Assault
Ratchet Meter: 8

A man in South Carolina allegedly assaulted his girlfriend all because she didn't say "Happy Father's Day" to him.

The Smoking Gun reports that 26-year-old Crystal Blocker told police that Robert Lee Campbell, also 26, pushed her, forcing her to "[fall] backwards into [a] bathtub" at Myrtle Beach, S.C.'s Lancer Motel.

She then claimed that Campbell "began dragging her" towards their room's main door and started "punching her in the thighs." Prior to this, Campbell allegedly punched a hole in the bathroom door, and proceeded to cause other damage to the room.

The root of his anger? According to Blocker, it's because she didn't wish him a "Happy Father's Day." The Smoking Gun notes that, while Blocker and Lee do not have a child together at the moment, Blocker is currently pregnant with Campbell's child.

Though Campbell admitted to arguing with Blocker, he insists that he never struck her or damaged the room. The Smoking Gun adds that a judge ultimately decided not to charge Campbell because of the ridiculous, "he-said, she-said" element of the entire incident.

Date: 6/15/2014
Location: Detroit, Mich.
Crime: Furnishing contraband to inmates
Ratchet Meter: 10

Officials at a Michigan prison were treated to a surprise Sunday June 15th, when a football filled with drugs and cell phones was hurled over a prison wall.

The New York Daily News reports that the ball sailed over a wall at G. Robert Cotton Correctional Facility in Jackson, Mich. Though intended for the exercise yard, it landed in between two security fences instead, and authorities who inspected it discovered that it contained heroin, marijuana, tobacco, cell phones, and chargers for each of them.

They later tracked down the quarterback, 22-year-old Christen Deon-Sterling Moore of Detroit. Moore was charged with furnishing contraband to inmates, and it's still unknown who he was trying to throw the ball to.

Date: 6/14/2014
Location: Tulsa, Okla.
Crime: Indecent exposure
Ratchet Meter: 7

Very strange things happen at Walmart. For whatever reason, masturbating there seems to be all the rage. A man was arrested June 14th after he was caught mid-fap inside of an Oklahoma locations.

According to The Smoking Gun, 26-year-old Derek Bennett was busted that Saturday afternoon after witnesses had the displeasure of watching him go to work dead in the middle of the store. Surveillance footage confirmed this, and Bennett-who was later arrested after the Tulsa Police Department pulled his vehicle over-admitted to the public wank. Apparently, he didn't think anyone could see him.

Bennett was charged with indecent exposure.

Date: 6/5/2014
Location: New York, N.Y.
Crime: Federal drug smuggling
Ratchet Meter: 6

A man returning to the U.S. from Guyana was caught with a traveler's suitcase containing $82,000 worth of cocaine at JFK International Airport June 5th.

Gothamist reports that U.S. Customs and Border Protection Officers were alerted by the "unusually thick" handlebars on Warren Hawk's suitcase. During a private search, a "white powdery substance" which eventually tested positive for cocaine was discovered. Soon after, just under five pounds of cocaine was seized from the rails.

For his actions (and having the misfortune of being caught), Hawk currently faces federal drug smuggling charges.

Date: 6/18/2014
Location: Philadelphia, Pa.
Crime: Six felonies relating to weapons possession
Ratchet Meter: 9

30-year-old Jeremy Meeks has been creating quite a stir on the Stockton Police Department's Facebook page following his arrest June 18 for felony weapons charges.

Since posting his mugshot, the photo has gone viral, with thousands of women (and a good amount of men) wanting to stare into the cold blue eyes of the hardened criminal. As of now, the post as 14,959 likes and counting. Here are some of the choice comments:

One user went as far as creating a Facebook fan page for the criminal. Then again, it's worth noting that Meeks is currently being held in San Joaquin County Jail on $900,000 bail. As Amber Gomes wrote, "$900,000 in bail and 6 felonies. You ladies are desperate."

Date: 6/18/2014
Location: Chestnut Ridge, N.Y.
Crime: Murder in the second degree for acting with a depraved indifference
Ratchet Meter: 8

This is as horrible as it gets.

Police are charging 26-year-old Lacey Spears with depraved murder and manslaughter for allegedly poisoning her five-year-old son with high levels of sodium starting five days after his birth. Her son, Garnett-Paul Spears, suffered chronic illnesses and health problems which included ear infections, fevers, seizures and digestive problems, and Lacey would document his health on social media and her blog.

Garnett-Paul had been taken to doctors with high levels of sodium that officials say that his body couldn't produce on its own. It was soon discovered that Lacey had injected sodium into her son's stomach tube while doctors were outside of the room, an overdose that would lead to his death in January.

"During the afternoon, that child goes from moderate to severe cerebral dysfunction," said prosecutor Doreen Lloyd in court. "And as that is going on, this child's sodium level is going up. It coincides with the actions of this defendant."

Lloyd also said that they searched Lacey's computer, and found evidence that she had researched what the effects of high levels of salt, which has sodium, would have on a child.

Investigators say that Lacey used her son's health problems to get attention on social media, and that she suffers from Münchausen syndrome by proxy, an illness that is described as injuring a child or to bring attention and sympathy to the parent.

As a bonus, check out the latest from Ratchet News Network.

Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero, a.k.a. the Hood Walter Cronkite, recaps the hard-hitting headlines that make Mylie Cyrus look like a mouseketeer.

This month's RNN broadcast includes stories on what happens when you hide a gun in your vagina, why it's not OK to masturbate on public transportation, how a baby is the latest obstacle affecting geopolitical relations between the U.S. and China, and a special report on the state of America's youth.

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.