Image via Complex Original
After a year's worth of 50-hour work weeks, breakfast meetings, and water cooler chats, you probably think you know your coworkers. Big mistake. You never truly understand a person until you've partied with them, and the holiday office shindig is a rare, company-endorsed affront to the employee handbook's personal conduct policy. So take some initiative and practice your networking skills, because you're going to meet some of your coworkers for the very first time.
Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)
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The Black Hole
This is the coworker with a million had-to-be-there stories about their fantasy football league, last night's American Idol, or their cat. They treat conversations like suffocating headlocks, where the only escape is a dizzying collapse to the floor. And that's when they're sober.
Based God help you if you hear, "Did you ever see that episode of Friends where Joey..." and turn to see this tipsy wing bat locked on to you like a pursuing fighter jet. There's nothing you can do to shake 'em, your night's about to get shot down.
The Gossip
Corporate life is a conditional agreement to suffer constant humiliation in exchange for health insurance. It fosters a delicate personal temperament that's a few stiff cocktails away from coming unhinged. Every office has its Perez Hilton and when the booze is flowing, that person is especially dangerous. You know that expletive-laden diatribe about your manager that you've so elegantly composed inside your brain? Keep it there.
Stick to neutral topics and don't brag about sleeping with interns. You'll be happy you played your cards close to the vest come Monday morning.
The Lush
She'll do a lot of regrettable texting, turn an ankle in her high heels, and eventually vomit in the backseat of a taxi. If she can make it through the evening without shattering her iPhone screen or making out with a temp, she'll have nothing to apologize for Monday morning.
And now for her male counterpart...
The Drunk
Meet the drunk. Instead of wine-stained teeth and chubby arms, he has an affinity for close talking and public urination. Your office's 8:30 a.m. arrival time does a lot to cloak the debilitating alcohol problems of your coworkers, but the office party reveals everything. If this sounds like you, see if you can set aside a percentage of your 401K for bail money.
And please, keep your shirt on.
The Wallflower
We get older and supposedly evolve, but the dynamic of a party will always stay true to its eighth-grade form. You have your cool kids, cliques, and, of course, a band of social pariahs content to wolf down buffet food and act like they're texting. It's the holiday season. Pull up a chair next to that creepy IT guy and strike up a conversation about clearing caches and cloud storage. You'll never understand the riveting idiosyncrasies of source code if you don't ask.
The Crush
As unnatural as it sounds, the office environment lends itself to fantasy. In trying to maintain a strictly professional relationship, there's a natural propensity towards pushing the envelope and, while at work, you're impervious to the watchful eye of your girlfriend. The office holiday party is a rare opportunity for things to go from coy teasing to a full-blown office romance with that hot girl from sales. How exciting!
The Creep
You never really know a guy until you've seen him wasted. The most seemingly upright dudes can turn into crazed lunatics with boners after a few drinks. Never will this be more vivid than at the office party. Two hours into the festivities, you'll see weird guys making the kinds of mistakes that end in out-of-court settlements.
The Certified Pro
Amongst your party's beer-stained neckties and clumsy renditions of "The Dougie," there will be a sprinkling of uber-organized, unaffected types, whose only pleasure from the festivities will be derived from pompously judging their peers. This person will only talk about work, exhaust office cliches, and do a lot of yawning. The corporate structure is all about the underlying hierarchy, so naturally there's some middle manager who wants to prove they're above it all.
The Ugly Xmas Sweater Guy
No holiday party is complete without a total doofus clowning in a gaudy turtleneck. The "ugly Christmas sweater" is as painful a December mainstay as black ice, but that won't stop this insufferable jokester from shamelessly drawing attention to himself with a hand-knit jackass badge. We get it, you're the funny guy or whatever. Excuse us, the boss is buying shots.
The Has-Been
He's your boss, the upper management-type with low testosterone and a pair of failed marriages. Anyway, he's on a mission to prove how cool he was in his 20s by recounting exaggerated stories about bar fights and stumbling his way through racist jokes. Awesome. Unless you want to join the Occupy protesters, you'll smile your way through it and do a lot of fake laughing. Welcome to the real world. It's horrible.
