Image via Complex Original
The most important part of heading home for Thanksgiving isn’t the meal. Though you might've loved the turkey, stuffing, and pie as a kid, as an adult, all you can see is the steep emotional price of the smorgasbord.
When you were young, you might've noticed that Uncle Ned drank a little too much wine with dinner, or that Aunt Janine introduced you to a new uncle the year after Uncle Ned drank too much wine with dinner, but you didn’t think much of it. Now that you're old enough to leave home (and return), you're old enough to be sucked into the insane emotional vortex of family.
Thankfully, everyone else has a family to deal with too. That's why it's a time-honored tradition to head to the bar the night before the feast. Unfortunately, there are just as many potential obstacles to enjoyment at your local watering hole as there are at the dinner table.
Get familiar with the ghosts of high school's past so that you can focus on the girl you made crude drawings of in study hall. Here are the 10 types of people you see at your hometown bar on the night before Thanksgiving.
Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)
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The One You Blew Off Way Back When
Growing up, your little sister probably watched She's All That or some such chick flick where the ugly girl takes off her glasses, and lo and behold, she's dumb fine. While glasses and a ponytail don't make you ugly (and, in fact, when combined with a tartan skirt and white button-up, do wonders for the libido), trips to the dermatologist, dietician, and pilates instructor can change everything. Beware you horn dogs of the night, she might be talking to you just to show off what you missed. If she denies you, you probably deserve it anyway, for fixating on the girls who matured at 13 (and who now...well, we'll get to that).
The Guy With a "Business Opportunity"
You didn't talk to him much in high school, but here he is, buying you a drink and chatting you up like an old friend. After that second drink, he lets you know he has a great "business opportunity," which usually translates to a restaurant with a midget beer theme, or a guy who can make a bunch of iPad minis "fall off the back of a truck."
Here's a tip: If a business opportunity is that good, you don't need to tell strangers about it.
The Dude Without a Driver's License
Your high school organized many an assembly and screened ever more videos warning about the dangers of drunk driving, but even after being assigned a parole officer, this dude still doesn't get it. While the rest of you are returning to the bar to see what everyone else is up to, this guy lives here, sometimes sleeping in a cot the bartender sets up in the back out of pity. And the bartender is a functioning alcoholic.
No matter how many keg stands the college boys have been through, nobody can touch this dude, who puts away a fifth in order to eat breakfast. He doesn't need ID to drink here, everyone knows his name. And the name of every woman who's ever left him. And the names of his illegitimate children. If he can't pay his bill, he gets to mop up when the neon goes out.
Oh, hey bro, can you give him a ride home? His bike has a flat.
The Cool Kid...Who's Still Cool
The beefy football player who stuffed you in a locker, the dark handsome dude who smoked cigarettes in the parking lot, the preppy pretty boy who used his parent's yacht for boning the older sisters of girls you wished you boned...they're doing fine.
Sure, some will have become fat and bald and poor, just like you hoped for when prom night left you sniffling and blue-balled. But in this world, things don't get that bad for good-looking, muscular, rich people.
The Guy Who's a Little Bit Successful
He's in a three-piece suit and a rose gold wristwatch. He's buying rounds of Red-Headed Sluts for anyone in earshot. Here's the deal: If you're showing up at the bar the night before Turkey Day, you can't be that successful. He's just the assistant to somebody's assistant and his dad bought him that suit. Just like everyone else here. Only he's the one broadcasting it the loudest. Let him flash cash and talk shit all night long.
Whatever helps him get through the night...and the next day.
The Girl Who Let Herself Go
Beauty fades, my brothers. Soon enough, the ladies of the homecoming court are going to look like the ladies on The View, and we're not talking about Elisabeth Hasselbeck. People always want to laugh at the women who once ruled the school when they retreat into a box of Krispy Kremes. Get over yourself, man. She got over the shallow depths of high school, started a family, and got a job. We're sure she's super bummed she can no longer pull off the sparkly thong sticking out of her PINK sweatpants that made it so hard for you to stand up after Physics.
It's not like you wouldn't have sex with her right now, if she asked.
Somebody's Dad
"Hey, Mr. Johnson. How have you been?"
...
"Oh, so sorry to hear that. How's work been at the plant?"
...
"Geez, sorry to hear that too. How's Mrs. Johnson?"
...
"That's tough. Kids doing well?"
...
"I'm sure you'll get to see them more than you think. Well, it's good to see you. Tell Kevin I said, 'Hi.'"
...
"No, I'm not a big fan of Old Grand-Dad, but thanks for the offer. Take care, Mr. Johnson."
The Big City Slicker
This person left your small town or tight-knit block to live in some hip, metropolitan neighborhood with other cool twenty-something artist types. Now they do avant-garde, gender-neutral theatre and play guitar barefoot. While you attempt communication, they'll be reading articles from their Twitter feed or Instagramming ironic pics of "local color" to share with their gluten-free vegan friends. You can see in their eyes that they're doing their best to hold back snarky comments while cataloguing the things they see for the writing of future blog posts or articles.
Your Friend Who Never Left
You and your boy both had big plans, but he's still chilling on his mom's couch while you're off at Big State learning and things. He'll tell you about a job prospect he has at the post office, or that he's really gonna get his real estate license this time, no more joking around. You'll offer encouraging words. You'll do your best to downplay the things you've learned, the people you've met while he's been starring in his own sequel to Failure to Launch.
Don't worry about him too much. You'll graduate college and enter the same depressing job market your friend's been battling for years. He'll probably be a "district manager" or "associate director" some place. While you're apartment hunting in the city trying "follow your dream," he'll be moving into his dream house with wifey.
Since he's your boy, maybe he'll let you crash on his couch.
Your Ex-Girlfriend
Of course it would end here. She was always going to be at the bar. While you might've imagined she'd have fifteen kids, or would've become dumpy, or begun a life of celibacy at a nunnery, odds are she's doing just fine. There was a reason you guys hooked up back in the day. She was smart, beautiful, and driven. None of that's changed. In fact, she's probably going more places now that she doesn't have you at her arm. Be civil. Be interested in what she's up to, but if she wants to do anything "for old time's sake," just leave right then.
If you do hook up, remember that both of you have houses teeming with relatives, so you'll have to find an empty parking lot or public bathroom. Now you're really back in high school. Awkwardness reigns.
