Image via Complex Original
From the kitchen's delicious grub to the quality of cocaine slung by its bathroom attendants, the reasons for falling love with the local bar can vary. Like any relationship, things are great in the beginning. The DJ plays your joint when you need it most, the bartender who gives you your vodka pours an extra beat, and, best of all, you can stumble home during a blackout with relative safety. But after a little employee turnover and new management, your relationship with the neighborhood spot can crumble like the sidewalk underneath CC Sabathia's feet. These are the 10 signs you need to find a new local bar.
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You get mad when someone sits on “your stool.”
If you get upset when someone's pissing in YOUR urinal, you're taking this whole local option thing too seriously. It's just a bar, not the lawless coastal waters of Somalia, so stop getting in wars over territory. Stools and booths exist to absorb beer farts and provide drunken bikers with something to swing at guys who eyeball their old ladies. That's it. We know this bar is all you have, but don't act so proud of it.
The bar smells like (and looks) like a subway car.
We love dive bars as much as the next person, but not ones that look like Nikki Sixx's heroin bunker. You have to remember that the people in charge of cleaning this bathroom are also in charge of sterilizing the bar, which means—if you look closely—you'll find an AIDS infested tape worm floating in your draft beer. Leave this bar before it's too late. And by "too late," we mean catch hepatitis.
Your former high school teachers are now your drinking buddies.
You're a lifer in the swaggerless town you're from. Now, the guys who used to give you detention for eating whiskey soaked gummy bears in study hall are buying you shots. Oh no, how did this happen? You know it's time to get out of your mom's basement when you're clanking glasses with your tenth grade geometry teacher. When you're getting into drunken brawls with your high school football coach, it means you did a button-hook in life when you should have run a go route to the end zone. You need to blow the whistle on this whole situation, homie. Apply to technical school tomorrow and start drinking with some degenerates your age.
You’ve slept with more than two members of the staff.
Um, unless the staff at your local bar looks like this, then go to work, young Clooney. Yowzah! In all seriousness, if you're piping multiple employees at any reputable business, you're spending wayyy too much time there. This is a principle you can apply to your experience at Chipotle, Whole Foods, and Best Buy, too. If the counter chick at Dunkin' Donuts is eyeballing you for not texting her back, you will find a severed rat's head in your Caramel Coolatta. Drink responsibly, but boink responsibly as well.
Drake and Chris Brown are sitting at adjacent VIP booths.
Don't spend any time around these guys, unless you're trying to lose an eyeball. Chris Brown is an unhinged sociopath and Drake is on a desperate mission to prove that he's not hip-hop's version of Pau Gasol, which is a recipe for getting an arrant bottle of Ciroc smashed over your head. There was a time when guys like Patrick Swayze would just shatter a pool cue over your back and buy you a beer afterwards. But nowadays, you have lunatics on Vine looking to knock you out so they can have a banger on World Star. If fists are flying, it's time to find a new place to drink your problems away.
You’re no longer enrolled, but still hitting the campus joints.
The party's over Van Wilder, we're sorry to break it to you this way. Once you graduate, it's time to turn in your butt chugging card. Permanently. No more "Thirsty Thursday" drink specials for you, homie. You might not be ready for the real world, but every attractive coed that's turned down your invitation to snort Adderall in the bathroom is ready for you to move on. Bounce a quarter off the bar and chug one last $1 draft; life beckons.
You’re the only one in the place.
There's nothing sadder than feigning small talk with a bartender in an empty, cavernous saloon. If there are more flatscreen Samsungs than people drinking, close your tab and move on to the next one. Chilling in a desolate bar is like kicking it in your living room, only you don't get control of the remote and they charge you $6 for a Corona Extra. Thanks but no thanks; we'd rather lounge in our sweatpants.
The place has two neon bar signs for every female patron.
Bars, real bars, are about meeting people; you need another "buddy" like you need a hole in the head. If you move into an apartment, walk around the corner to the local drinkery and see what appears to be a fantasy football draft party, then it's time to renogotiate the terms of your lease. We'd rather get drunk snorting hand sanitizer than listen to this table of Greg's talk about old episodes of Seinfeld until last call.
Does this image look at all familiar? Time to find a new bar, bruh.
Every city, from New York to Chicago to Los Angeles, has its collection of watering holes that attract an irresponsible number of douchebags. The second you see people dancing to a Flo Rida joint, leave. If the wraparound line outside is full of former frat guys wearing DKNY button-ups and square toe shoes, turn around. If you hear a patron ask the bartender for a "bevy" or "bruski," just shoot yourself in the head. This place is too far-gone and, quite frankly, so are you.
You’re “that old guy” hanging out by the dance floor.
The longer you stick with a watering hole, the less you'll be able to relate to its patrons. You won't see the disconnect coming, either. You'll just be twerking it on the dance floor (as you have for the last 29 years) and a bunch of kids will just be snapping iPhone pics and uploading your decrepit, wrinkly ass to Tumblr. The next day you're on Complex.com, stumble across a headline that reads "25 Pictures of Creepy Old Guys on the Dance Floor," and see a picture of yourself crumpin' in slide No. 3. Don't let that happen. If you're double your bartenders' age plus seven years, find a new spot or just start chugging cough syrup at home. No one wants to become an internet meme.
