Image via Complex Original
St. Patrick's Day is a yearly tradition in which we celebrate the patron saint of Ireland by getting irresponsibly drunk at 9 a.m. and vomiting in the back of a squad car. It doesn't matter if you're from Davenport, Iowa or New York City, you will see two adult men dressed as Leprechauns scrap in a fast food restaurant this weekend. To prepare you for the inevitable, we've gathered some of the most ridiculous news stories from St. Patrick's Days past. If you have an idea of what to look for (read: plastered weirdo swigging from an open bottle of Jameson), then you'll know what to avoid. Set aside some bail money and make sure to drink plenty of water as we detail A Recent History of Drunken St. Patrick's Day Shenanigans.
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“I asked you for a cheeseburger!”
Date: 3/18/2010
Location: Abilene, Texas
This is Josh and really wants a cheeseburger. After threatening restaurant staff, Josh turns his attention to other patrons, saying to the dining room, "I'll whoop all of y'all."
A bearded diner takes Josh up on his offer and the two scrap on the filthy Whataburger floor like blacked out elephant seals. The fight begins as Josh is manhandled to the ground with his bare ass showing. If you think it's a good idea to make a drunk food run after last call, be prepared to fight for your meal this St. Patrick's Day.
Rob Ford Goes Totally Rob Ford During St. Patrick’s Day 2012
Date: 3/17/2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
When you're Toronto mayor Rob Ford, every day is St. Patrick's Day. But, according to staffers and bar employees in a report from The Star, Ford was especially turned up while celebrating the patron saint of Ireland in 2012. According to witnesses, Ford reportedly "snorted cocaine, swilled vodka, popped a dose of OxyContin and partied with an apparent prostitute," during a day-long bender. The report goes on to allege that Ford referred to several top aides as "Liberal bitches," cried inconsolably about the death of his father, and told one staffer "I banged your pussy."
Ford called the article an “outright lie,” but—quite frankly—it sounds like a relatively chill night by this guy's standards.
A Rockefeller Goes HAM on Rival Bros
Date: 3/17/2013
Location: Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts
In an apparent Westside Story-like showdown between rival bros, Christian Rockefeller (the great-grandson of former Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller) and five other Boston College seniors allegedly vandalized an apartment, causing more than $20,000 in damage. According to authorities, the six students punched holes, urinated on floors, and ripped an active gas line from the apartment's clothes dryer. It's real out here in Chestnut Hill.
Georgia Man Slaps Horse, Tries to Flee on Foot
Date: 3/17/2012
Location: Savannah, Georgia
During a St. Patrick’s Day celebration in Savannah, Georgia, a 24-year-old man slaps a police horse on the rear and then tries to outrun officers WHO ARE MOUNTED ON HORSES. Police apprehend the man, catching him as he ran shirtless through a crowd. He was ultimately charged with two counts of obstruction of a police officer and striking a police animal. It’s not easy to escape the long arm of the law, especially when the law has animals that run up to 40 miles-per-hour.
Fox 2’s Charlie LeDuff Has a Rough Day
Date: 3/10/2013
Location: Detroit, Michigan
St. Patrick’s Day can get the best of us sometimes, even if you have a gig on television and a Pulitzer. During a drunken episode at a St. Patrick’s Day parade, LeDuff allegedly bit a security guard’s finger, called a group of female police officers “whores,” and urinated in public. As you can see from the video above, LeDuff’s memory of the event is a bit hazy.
St. Patrick’s Day Riots in Canada
Date: 3/20/2012
Location: London, Ontario, Canada
More than a dozen people, including eight Fanshawe College students, are arrested in London, Ontario during a drunken St. Patrick's Day riot. While no one is significantly injured during the demonstration, the rioters reportedly cause more than $100,000 in damage. And, judging by the number of street fires and explosions, created one hell of a mess.
Man Charged with DUI, Delivers Epically Festive Mug Shot
Date: 3/17/2012
Location: Fairview Heights, Illinois
St. Patrick's Day and DUI arrests go together like garbage night and hungry raccoons. So, there's nothing especially unique about a 47-year-old man getting busted for drinking and driving, until you see his mug shot. As a dribbling Jerry West is to the NBA, this brilliantly pathetic picture is to day drinking in March. Until he was thrown into the back of a squad car, this guy was having a great time.
Hoboken Mayor Cancels St. Patrick’s Day Parade
Date: January 2012
Location: Hoboken, New Jersey
The St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Hoboken, New Jersey has devolved into a riverside version of Gathering of Juggalos, only with 100 times the criminal activity and public urination. After an arduous few years, the City of Hoboken finally canceled the event in 2012. But, as the old saying goes: “When one holding cell door slams shut, another one opens.” In 2012, partiers replaced the parade festivities with a bar crawl called Lepre-Con 2012, where—in the spirit of the season—53 people were arrested.
Virginia Man Tries to Fight Three Cops
Date: 3/15/2013
Location: Richmond, Virginia
This video features a man in green underwear accosting police, a drunken buddy egging on the confrontation, and a man so woefully intoxicated that he can’t even stand up. In other words, this opening scene is already better than After Earth.
Things escalate quickly when a cop pushes one of the bros, triggering the sloppiest hand-to-hand combat this side of the junior high lunchroom. These cops either need to go back to the academy or to the Gold’s Gym squat rack, because a dude who looks like he has more Fireball circulating through his system than white blood cells holds his own for almost two minutes.
As the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting is to the holiday season, this scene is to St. Patrick’s Day.
Riot Police Arrest More Than 70 People During “Blarney Blowout”
Date: 3/9/2014
Location: Amherst, Massachusetts
Since St. Patrick’s Day occurs during a time of year that colleges often reserve for spring break, students—who can’t in good conscience let an excuse to party go to waste—designate their own festive adaptations. The students of UMass Amherst have a St. Patrick’s Day remix called “Blarney Blowout,” which apparently involves chasing one’s breakfast with a two-story beer bong, fighting indiscriminately, and chucking beer bottles at police officers.
When a crowd of thousands reportedly assembled outside of an apartment complex, police—as they’re known to do—went in to break up everyone’s good time (a process that was repeated throughout the day). According to the Daily Hampshire Gazette, “Participants could be seen vomiting and staggering due to drunkenness. The smell of tear gas hung in the air after each of the confrontations.” If that doesn’t inspire you to donate to your alma mater’s endowment, then you’re probably not a lot of fun at parties.
In total, more than 70 people were arrested.