Image via Complex Original
In our beautiful country, earning a citation for public drunkenness has become a rite of passage. It seems that everyone slips up at one point or another. And whether you're at a summer barbecue or celebrating your team's playoff win, Johnny Law will inevitably ruin the fun.
It's possible to avoid being asked to touch your nose while walking a straight line. You just need to be a little bit inventive, and think beyond the brown paper bag. How, you ask? As always, your team of recreational drinking pros at Complex are here to help: here are 10 Ways to Get Drunk in Public Without Getting Arrested.
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10. Hang Out with Guys Who Can't Hold Their Liqour
It's simple arithmetic; they can't take all of you in. If you're going to do some public drinking, try to do it with your lightweight friends. Ideally, these pals would also be slower of foot than you. That way, when you run from the cops, they'll be the first to get stop-and-frisked. We know that this might sound cruel, but it's a dog-drink-dog world out there. It's better that your boy get drunk with you than with strangers. At least you'll call his Mom for bail money if things get out of hand.
9. Wait for a Patriotic Holiday
America really loves being America, we just wish there were more patriotic holidays to celebrate that fact. Sure, the Fourth of July is a major event, but we bet you'll find it equally difficult getting arrested on Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, or even President's Day. If an officer of the law does approach you, just start chanting, "U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A!" If that man arrests you, he is no patriot.
8. Find a Sporting Event
We don't care if you're a sports fan or not. It isn't about that. If you and your buddies start getting a little tipsy, but are hungry for a little sunshine, there is no better solution than heading to the local ball park. You don't even have to stay for the whole game. Just put on the jersey of the local team, and if you get questioned by the cops, just yell, "Go Buccos!"
Odds are that the boys in blue are sports fans, and they might just let that one slide. Just don't be a smart ass and wear the away team's colors to the game. If you do that, you're just asking to spend the night in the clink.
7. Make that Morning Coffee Irish
Contrary to what underage sorority sisters might have you think, mixing your vodka with Gatorade in a water bottle isn't going to cut it. If you had a rough night, and the only thing that will satisfy the next morning is a clump of the hair of the dog that bit you, you'll have to be strategic about it.
If you pour a shot of whiskey into your morning coffee, no one is going to question you. They'll assume those bloodshot eyes and that wobbly stance are the result of an all-nighter in front of the computer screen instead of at the bar. If you look grumpy enough on what looks like a morning commute, no one is going to question you when you pass out on the train. Stress and exhaustion, they'll say.
6. Go to an Art Gallery
Art events might seem refined, but in our experience, they are just an excuse to drink heavily. As many cities attempt to revitalize their cultural scene in the face of rising rents, burgs of all sizes are holding monthly "Art Night Out" events. Generally, these evenings involve a little bit of art and a lot of complimentary red wine.
More reasons to love these events: there are always smart, attractive women out looking for some semblance of culture beyond sports mascots and reality television. Plus, there are plenty of complimentary cheese platters for you to abuse. We may not know art, but we know we like pretending to look at art.
5. Claim You're Coming from a Wedding
Your father told you that you should always have a nice suit in your closet. Here's why he was right: no one gets arrested if they are coming from a wedding. If you and your friends want to get blitzed in broad daylight, throw on your Sunday best before you hit the streets. If anyone stops you and smells Jack Daniels on your breath, give them a big, sweaty hug, and yell happily into their ear, "My sister just got married!"
If you really want to sell it, we recommend bring a boutonniere to pin on your lapel. For best results, ask a female friend to join you, wearing an old bridesmaid dress with mascara running down her cheeks. If you guys get in hot water, she can turn on the waterworks, and cry into an officer's arms, yelping, "I just love Denise so much. She's like a sister to me! I'm so happy for her!"
4. Find A Parade
They'll throw a parade for anything these days. Soon they'll start holding parades to celebrate really great past parades. Use this to your advantage. During a parade, the fuzz are only worried about crowd control. Specifically, they don't want to see any revelers crushed by marching horses or ornate floats. As long as you don't get so drunk that you jump the barricades and try to make a move on Ms. Junior Dairy USA, you should be good to go. Remember, most of your local police force will be marching in the parade, so this is a good time for looting as well.
3. Work as a Street Performer
Here's a way to make money doing what you love—drinking. Most major cities have all sorts of strange street performers. There are not just limited to musicians: you might run into mimes, performance artists, and all sorts of parent dissapointers clowning for cash in a city's tourist district. Here's what you do: first, take your buddies to the local park dressed as colorfully as possible. Then, throw a hat on the ground and start drinking.
No matter how erratic your behavior becomes, passersbys will think that it is all in the name of art. If you do actually get some pity cash from a sympathetic stranger, it's back to the corner store for more 40s of Olde English.
2. Surround Yourself with Children
Sure, this sounds like a terrible idea, but hear us out. If you are at a park or an outdoor puppet theatre, you have a protective shield of little tykes. The police are going to think a little harder about blowing up your spot by asking you to blow your BAC if you are surrounded by family fun. Beware: this is a high risk move. If they do get you, they'll definitely throw the book at you. Fortune favors the bold. The next time you are near a gaggle of frolicking first graders, pop a bottle!
1. Drink Near a Legitimate Crime Scene
Policemen, particularly in urban areas, have bigger fish to fry. So, take that yellow caution tape is an invitation to grab a cold one. If you are in a sleepy hamlet, all the police have to do to hit their quota is set up a speed trap. In the city, there are actual criminals committing actual crimes at all hours of the day. Once the CSI team hits the scene, it's your cue to hit the bottle. Just don't get so blasted that you end up tampering with evidence, or it might be the last drink you have for a long time.
