Your Hour-By-Hour Guide to Drinking on St. Patrick's Day

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, that time of year when being a drunken lout isn't just encouraged, it's demanded. Because bars—and be sure you're drinking at one of the 50 best Irish pubs in the country—open early on this holy day and folks begin drinking as soon as possible, you need to have a clear plan for what you'll be doing to your body. That is, what you'll be drinking. You want to go all day and all night, right?

Let this be your hour-by-hour guide to drinking on St. Patrick's Day.

What To Drink: A bloody mary. You're thinking, "What's Irish about that?" If you add Boru vodka, the only vodka manufactured in Ireland available here in the States. There's no better way to ease into an entire day of drinking than with a spicy, eye-opening bloody mary. Brunch in a glass.

What To Drink: A Guinness. It won't be your last, but for the first beer of the day, especially at lunch time, you need a beer with some body. However, contrary to popular belief, Guinness isn't the heaviest thing in a pint glass. Those guys talking about this brew being bread in a glass need to expand their palates—there are far heavier stouts out. So, start with a Guinness. You'll need beer—preferably low ABV session beers—to make it to Sunday.

What To Drink: A Beamish. An Irish stout with a strong aroma and espresso finish, Beamish is the slightly badder version of Guinness. Heavier on the nose and on the palate, it packs more flavor, but is still a session stout (4.10% ABV). We can't stress this enough: When you're trying to drink all day, you need to drink session beers. The trick is to have a bunch to cycle through so you don't become bored.

What To Drink: A Smithwick's. Ireland's oldest ale is up next. Ask the bartender for this red ale and pronounce it correctly: Smit-icks. You shouldn't be wasted yet, meaning your tongue should still be functioning. And with a 4.5% ABV, you won't be drunk after this delicious pint.

What To Drink: A Harp. Having a lager in your rotation is a must. Crisp and palate-cleansing, Harp will wash away whatever disparate flavors have accumulated in your mouth and have you ready for anything.

What To Drink: A Samuel Smith's Organic Cider. If you don't have a couple superior ciders in your St. Patrick's Day rotation, you're making a mistake. Like a solid session beer, a cider won't knock you on your ass. Remember, it's only 2 p.m. You need to go for another 12 hours, if not longer. This English apple cider—what's an Irish celebration without a little conflict?—is organic and delicious, dry but sweet, and with just a 5% ABV. After lots of beer, you'll want something to quench your thirst. A cider will take care of that.

What To Drink: An Irish Car Bomb. The afternoon is winding down—time for a pick-me-up to charge into dinner. The classic combination of Guinness, Baileys, and Jameson is the boost your body will need before eating (a meal will always slow you down, even as it slows the amount of alcohol entering your bloodstream, fucking you up).

What To Drink: A Scarlet Petticoat. This cocktail, created by the cracked geniuses at Hendrick's, the Scottish gin distillery, makes for the perfect dinner accompaniment. The name alludes to Celtic lore, and the tradition of marriage-seeking women wearing red to alert potential suitors. On Leap Day, in Ireland, it was acceptable for a woman to propose to a man. Drop some knowledge when you're ordering. Here's the recipe if you're mixing one yourself:

1 1/2 parts Hendrick's Gin
3/4 parts fresh Blood Orange juice
1/2 part Lillet Rouge
1/4 part Creme de Cassis
1 slice of Cucumber

What To Drink: The Big Ginger. This drink was popularized by The Local, an Irish pub in Minneapolis (one of the 50 best in America). It consists of a hearty portion of Jameson, ginger ale, and lime and lemon wedges. It's a simple stomach-and-nerves settler that will complement any meal. Have one to steel yourself for the rest of the night. It's about to get drastic.

What To Drink: A Shave and a Haircut. A Sailor Jerry creation, this cocktail combines one part rum with two parts cola and four parts stout (make sure it's Irish). This cocktail will ease you back into beer and give you some much-needed caffeine.

What To Drink: A Murphy's. This is the last "Big Three" Irish stout for you to drink today. Lighter and sweeter than both Guinness and Beamish, it'll save room in your guts for the alcohol to come.

What To Drink: A shot of Jameson. Despite your careful planning and caffeine consumption, sometimes you just need a slap in the face. With two hours till midnight, give yourself a splash of cold water with straight whiskey.

What To Drink: An Irish Coffee. Toss some Baileys in a strong cup of joe and you're set for the last few hours.

What To Drink: A shot of tequila. You're thinking, "What the fuck?" But it's midnight, and time for things to get ratchet. Have a shot of Mexico's lifeblood in honor of the bizarre Irish/Mexican restaurants of the world. For every Carlos O'Grady's, for the Jose Malone's, for every strange bangers-and-tacos-serving eatery in strip malls the country over, lick salt, sip tequila, then crush lime. From here on out, things are going to get stupider.

What To Drink: A Tullemore Dew, on the rocks. The word "whiskey" is an Anglicisation of a phrase from the Goidelic branch of languages (Irish, Scottish Gaelic and Manx) that translates to "water of life." Keep yourself alive and upright with this invigorating spirit. Oh, and get drunk.

What To Drink: A Black and Tan. Ask the bartender for a glass of half Harp, half Guinness. It looks beautiful, unlike whatever terrible decision you're about to make with the few hours remaining. Remember, you have an entire year to nurse your regrets before St. Patrick's Day comes around again.

What To Drink: Your favorite. Whatever you have most enjoyed over the course of the day, order it right now, as the bartender shouts for last call. Might as well have something you truly enjoy before the crushing hangover you've made for yourself clamps down on your brain. Cheers!