Image via Complex Original
Every year yields its fair share of drunken episodes and subsequent public apologies. But, with the advent of Twitter, camera phones, and YouTube, the ability to document and archive alcohol-fueled exploits has never been greater. As a result, we have a wide-ranging account of the year in blacked out stumbles and expletive-laden tirades. From Vodka Samm's infamous college football Saturday to Reese Witherspoon's ego-driven disorderly conduct charge, these are The Drunkest Moments of 2013.
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Wasted Coeds Show Love for Johnny Manziel on Live TV
Date: 1/4/2013
Location: Arlington, Texas
Prior to the 2013 Cotton Bowl, a pair of Texas A&M fans interrupt a live news report to give some vodka-fueled perspective on Aggies quarterback Johnny Manziel. The girls seem to really know their stuff and, considering the circumstances, the on-site reporter exercises remarkable restraint. Manziel would go on to lead A&M to a blowout win over Oklahoma, though, these girls probably passed out in a restroom stall before kickoff.
The Perils of Boating Under the Influence
Date: March 2013
Location: Unknown, but probably Missouri
This clip begins with a drunken sailor screaming, "YIPSKIDDLEYDOOOO!" which is the international call sign for drunken hijinks. When you hear an obliterated man yodel, trust that a near death experience is forthcoming. In this particular case, a boater who is clearly intoxicated receives an beer can to the face, falls in the water and, presumably, has his limp body shredded to pieces by the boat's prop.
College Bro Puts His Head Through a Table
Date: 11/17/2013
Location: Nottingham, England
A wasted college student is always a double-dare away from doing something unimaginably stupid. Proving our theory is this University of Nottingham student, who put his head through a coffee table for roughly $30. Like a true showman, the event pinnacles with one of his drunken cohorts flipping his legs over his buried melon. If your after hours event doesn't feature potentially fatal stunts as entertainment, then you're not about that debauched college life, bruh.
University of Iowa Student Blows a .341
Date: 8/31/2013
Location: Iowa City, Iowa
After being detained by campus police at an Iowa Hawkeyes football game, student Samantha Goudie sets the Internet ablaze by live tweeting her jail experience and reportedly blowing an incredible .341 on the breathalyzer. The Princeton Review recently named the University of Iowa the No. 1 party school in the nation, and incidents like this make it hard to argue against the school's distinguished, beer funneling credentials.
Reese Witherspoon Plays the "Do You Know Who I Am!?" Card
Date: 4/21/2013
Location: Atlanta
As her husband is being detained for DUI, actress Reese Witherspoon accosts the arresting officer with the tried and true "Do you know who I am!?" move. The officer answers, "I don't need to know your name," to which Witherspoon replies, "You're about to find out who I am...you are going to be on national news." After refusing the officer's request to stay in her car, Witherspoon is arrested for disorderly conduct and makes her most memorable on-screen appearance of 2013 via police dash cam.
Drunk Canadian Man Swims to Detroit, Lives to Regret the Decision
Date: 7/22/2013
Location: Windsor, Canada
After reportedly drinking eight beers, Canadian John Morillo set out to prove a point to his doubting friends. His buddies insist that there's no way the 47-year-old man can swim across the Detroit River into the United States. So, naturally, he jumps in the water to silence the skeptics. Unfortunately for Morillo, a neighbor calls the cops after losing sight of him in the water, triggering an international manhunt that involves U.S. and Canadian coast guards. Morillo is ultimately fined $5,000, but at least the guy has bragging rights.
Crazed Woman Bites a Man's Lip at Oktoberfest
Date: September 2013
Location: Munich, Germany
An Alaskan woman is arrested at Oktoberfest for biting a man's lip like it's a finely minced bratwurst. According to a Huffington Post translation of a German newspaper, the woman successfully chomps off a piece of the man's flesh and spits it on the floor. If this woman doesn't have a WWE contract by now, Vince McMahon isn't the visionary he used to be.
Drunken Teenagers Steal a Llama, Take it for a Ride on the Subway
Date: 10/31/2013
Location: Bordeaux, France
During a drunken stroll home from the club, five teenagers stumble upon the site of a buckled down circus. Instead of moving along, the group makes the questionable life decision of stealing a llama named Serge and prancing around the city of Bordeaux with their recently acquired, thankfully domesticated friend. The teens are arrested after allegedly taking Serge for a ride on the subway, but pictures as awesome as the one above are worth time behind bars.
Plastered Jets Fan Fires Shots at Geno Smith
Date: 12/1/2013
Location: East Rutherford, N.J.
This guy begins his attack on the New York Jets franchise with a chanted plea for quarterback Geno Smith to tear his ACL, and it actually get worse from there. Say what you will about this drunken jerk-off, but if the Jets offense had half as much heart as this clown, the team would be tops in the AFC East.
Indisputable Proof that SantaCon Is THE Worst
Date: 12/14/2013
Location: New York
SantaCon is a mostly detested (but heavily attended) seasonal bar crawl that features thousands of woefully inebriated Kriss Kringles. In this clip, a half dozen Santas brawl on the street, which rather poetically encapsulates the event. One especially grumpy St. Nick delivers a brutal cross and appears to break his hand at 36-second mark. Enjoy.
