The Year in Thirst

Alright, lemme just throw this out here: 2015 got THIRSTY. There wasn't enough agua in the world for all of this year's thirst, regardless of if it was coming from our Instagram timelines, our televisions, or the big screens. We couldn't even tune into a presidential address this year without getting a little parched! (Maybe we have a problem.)

This is something that should absolutely be celebrated—thirst is healthy. So to do just that, we asked the squad to open up the darkest, most hidden parts of their hearts and reveal who had them doing this all year:

Thirstiest Moment: When girl was a robot.

2015 was the year I fell in love with a robot.

Let’s go back. I was on a plane to Abu Dhabi when I first saw Ex Machina—I was probably two hours into the 14-hour flight when Alicia Vikander’s Ava first appeared on my little in-flight screen. Maybe it was partly due to Alex Garland’s direction/script, but I was just as entranced by Ava as Domhnall Gleeson’s Caleb was. And just as he started to fall for this AI—as he talks to her more, sees her in human clothes, and enters into an escape plot with her—so too did I. So yeah, I was pretty crushed when Ava/Alicia locked Caleb/me in the control room to starve to death. We were supposed to escape and explore the world and live the rest of our lives together, Ava/Alicia! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO CALEB/ME!?

Following Ex Machina, my Alicia Vikander thirst only grew. She looked unreal as a mod-ass chick in Man From U.N.C.L.E., the true magnetic force of that movie, and then she out-Felicity Jones’ed Felicity Jones in the 1920s-set The Danish Girl. And when word began to spread that she was just another cold, foreign actress, she went on Jimmy Fallon and mucked it up with Will Ferrell, as if to say, “I'm not cold. You just don't deserve my warmth.”

There's power and mystery in her eyes; she gives looks that feel both enticing and threatening. And Christ, that's sexy to me. Also, just last night I saw this Louis Vuitton commercial where Alicia and Michelle Williams are in the desert just staring and looking beautiful in nice clothes and Alicia totally WASHES Michelle at staring and looking beautiful! That's clutch.

This is really only the beginning for Alicia—she's deservedly nominated (twice) for a Golden Globe, and an Oscar nom may be coming, and at 27 her whole career is really ahead of her. Which means I'm gonna need to start stocking up on Aquafina NOW.

Also, of course Michael Fassbender reportedly already scooped her up. As if I wasn't jealous enough of him. —Andrew Gruttadaro

Thirstiest Moment: When guy legalized gay marriage.

When we think “thirst trap,” we so often envision an aesthetically blessed human being in a barely there ensemble, maybe just after a workout, chiseled arms and abdomen glistening—like Drake, for example, who trolled us all in some sweats and Calvins a couple months back that left little to the imagination. Or Kylie Jenner just in general. But maybe that’s what got us (it me) so thirsty for President Barack Obama in 2015 (in spite of those oft-bemoaned dad jeans and fleece North Face pullovers). Keep your Instagram thots, I’ll stan for Barry any day.

Aside from the obvious (benevolent leader of the free world, loving father and husband, silver fox, etc.), Obama showered us with gifts like some sort of good will-hungry Santa without a seasonal restriction. Gay marriage? He made that legal in all 50 states. Leading the conversation and ultimately signing an international climate change deal that was backed by damn near every country in the world? Girl, you know Obama’s about that clean energy.

But radical policy reform was hardly the only way Barack personally won me over this year. Between talks of saving the earth and enacting policy to create a better future for generations to come (like pay parity, for example), POTUS threw down for his year in DGAF and delivered some of my favorite pop culture moments of 2015. A brief and selective list of his highlights:

This comes, of course, after proposing two free years of community college for everyone; offering $28 million in student loan forgiveness to “swindled” students; rejecting the Keystone XL pipeline; and reducing the sentences of 46 non-violent drug offenders. Here’s to whatever lit Easter eggs he has in store to keep us thirsty for the remainder of his time in office.—Catie Keck

Thirstiest Moment: When guy was running around in a nightie like a maniac.

Look, I'm not usually the type to go for conventionally handsome dudes, which is why I almost considered putting Domhnall Gleeson on this list instead (I love his weird, pale Thom Yorke face, OK???). But there was another, more undeniably bae ginger that was impossible to ignore this year: Michael Fassbender. Be still my heart, goddamn. Umm, I think we can all agree Fassbender is one handsome motherfucker, yes? I think that jawline is considered universally hot as hell. And can we just PAUSE to talk about how he's in the most beautiful IRL coupledom with Alicia Vikander (hello, subject of Andrew's thirst trap)?! Life is unfair and yet I want both of these beautiful creatures to be happy.

But let's talk about Fassbender, 2015. He both ruined and saved Steve Jobs because 1) he was too good-looking to be believable as the late Apple CEO but 2) the only good part of that movie was getting to look at Michael Fassbender wearing turtlenecks and dad jeans (god he looks good in dad jeans). In the indie Western Slow West—a film you likely slept on this year—homeboy spent most of his screen time riding around on horses in long johns and I’m not sure a man has ever been more attractive in long johns. (More like MICHAEL ASSBENDER AMIRITE? Heh heh.) But it was in the otherwise snoozy Macbeth that he thirst-trapped me the hardest—next to one of the most beautiful women in the world, even (Marion Cotillard). Running around in nighties again (but more of a flow-y dress type sitch that shows off his toned calves) Fassbender looked TOO sexy as an unraveling maniac. I swear, when he muttered "Full of scorpions is my mind" and flashed that crazy Fassbender smile I literally grabbed my editor Kerensa, who was unfortunately sitting next to me and witnessing a whole new level of thirst.—Kristen Yoonsoo Kim

Thirstiest Moment: When guy wore athletic gear for ALL of Creed.

Do you have a pulse?

Then you can see how ridiculously attractive Michael B. (B for Bae—ugh, I'm not the only one who has made this bad joke before) Jordan is. He's been establishing himself as a great actor since he was a youth on shows like The Wire and Friday Night Lights and a leading man in Fruitvale Station and the bad (but good?) rom-com That Awkward Moment.

2015 though has been the year where Michael B. Jordan flexed with two very high profile leading roles. First, in the unfortunate flop Fantastic Four, where he played Johnny Storm and then Creed, where he continued the Rocky legacy as Adonis Creed, the son of Apollo Creed. Due to these two roles, 2015 was an off-screen bounty of Michael B. covers and his impeccable red carpet wear. (Hi to all those well-fitted suits!)

But Creed really was where he thirst-trapped us all (or me specifically) because homeboy spends most of the movie showing off that insane boxing body while training, fighting, running, just standing (those shoulders!).

On top of that, he's constantly wearing hot workout gear. And I mean HOT workout gear. Creed (other than being a very good movie!) is two hours of Michael B. Jordan in sweatpants. What did we do in 2015 to deserve that? Nothing. I cannot stress enough how great he looks in sweatpants. Maybe he should consider wearing sweatpants all the time.

There might be one thing hotter than him wearing sweatpants though. In Creed, Adonis, despite his fuck-ups, is a decent man. He's goofy and sexy and driven and kind, which is the vibe Michael B. Jordan gives off in his IRL appearances. And in a world full of trash men, what's hotter than that? —Kerensa Cadenas

Thirstiest Moment: Every time girl wore those jeans.

While Marvel's Jessica Jones is one of those shows that I'm going to automatically be there for because a) Jessica is a low-key character in the Marvel Comics Universe that I've followed because of her relationship with Luke Cage and b) I've been a fan of Krysten Ritter since I first saw her in Breaking Bad, I ultimately stayed because, well, she just looks so damn good in those jeans. Let's keep it all the way real: it's dope that Marvel chose to keep the private eye aspect of Jessica's character front and center (although she kicks all of the ass while breaking all of the locks that come in her way), because their choice to not have her be some kind of spandex-clad supergirl meant that she stayed rocking form-fitting jeans.

And girl, those jeans. And well, then there's also what would happen when she got out of those jeans.

Even if the show wasn't one of the best of 2015, which it totally was, homegirl fighting Kilgrave (and anyone else in her way) in those jeans? It's worth the price of my Netflix subscription. Knowing that Jessica Jones (in those jeans) is going to, at the very least, be featured in a number of Marvel/Netflix properties for some time has me patiently waiting until the next time I get to see Jessica Jones...in those jeans. —khal

Thirstiest Moment: When guy let the Force out all over everyone.

Who says thirst has to be sexual? Every year is full of insanely attractive celebrities doing sexy things, but this was the first one since 2005 in which I could obsess over a new addition to my favorite group in entertainment: the dark side of the force.

As Adam Driver put it himself, the Sith simply has the best aesthetic. Darth Vader owns arguably the best costume of all-time, and Darth Maul’s horns and skin pattern made him a menacing figure tragically wasted in the hands of second saga George Lucas. Although Kylo Ren is technically a master of not the Sith, but of the Knights of Ren, he’s the new black-robed, red lightsaber-wielding villain of the Star Wars franchise. And, because the dark side is more innovative, he has a cackling, three-pronged weapon like we’ve never seen before, carrying the torch from Maul’s double-sided saber and Count Duku’s slant. That’s about all we knew about Kylo for the duration of the Star Wars hype machine’s trek, and I spent the entire ride thirsty for more information.

Who is this Adam Driver-faced dude behind the mask? Can Adam Driver of Girls fame be a good villain? Why is he so obsessed with Darth Vader? Are those two extra sabers even useful? These were the questions I ruminated on most before The Force Awakens dropped. For a glorious week, I even had a Kylo Ren cut-out behind my desk. That is, until a real-life villain in our office stole it from me. [Editor’s Note: The mystery has never been solved.]

Now that the movie dropped and I’ve seen it three times, the thirst is even more real (this is where I go into spoilers, so it’s time to dip out if you’re one of the weirdos who still hasn’t seen Episode VII). Adam Driver nailed the tortured emotions of the former Jedi apprentice born as Ben Solo. With the mask on he projected confidence and horror, but without it on he revealed the doubts and inexperience of his aspiring Vader. He’s powerful, sure, but he still needs training. And nothing has me more stoked than to see what Supreme Leader Snoke will have him undergo to complete that training.

You can have your babes; I’ll take my Star Wars villains. Especially now that we have our best one since the original trilogy.—Ian Servantes