How many heart attacks should a potential presidential candidate have before the age of 32? According to the life and times of professional Instagram thot Dan Bilzerian, the current estimate stands at three. Having conquered the worlds of poker, social media, and general wealth — the top-shelf product of millions of dollars now has his eyes on the Oval Office.

If Instagrams of his variety fall in line with your interests, then you're already well aware of what a Dan Bilzerian presidential campaign might look like. To prevent confusion for others, Bilzerian has unveiled his first campaign video (see above) — packing an admirable amount of political ass into a 16-second clip. Though heavy on less esoteric Spring Breakers imagery, the clip is beautifully devoid of any campaign promises.

Ultimately, Bilzerian more or less embodies America's greatest exports — i.e. guns, fame, and detrimentally enviable wealth. Where's Stephen Colbert when we need him most?