On Tuesday, the actress/model/host shared a candid and heartbreaking Medium post about the day she and her husband John Legend lost their third child, Jack. The couple announced the upcoming addition to their family over the summer, but managed to keep the details of Teigen's pregnancy struggles out of the public. Teigen revealed she was on bedrest for more than month prior to Jack's death, and was diagnosed with "partial placenta abruption."
"I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption," she wrote on Medium. "We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in."
Teigen recalled her efforts to remain hopeful, "twisting [doctor's] negative words into positives," before she ultimately had to accept that Jack would not make it.
"He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either," she continued. "We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all. Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again."
Teigen also used the post to address some of the criticism she received for documenting the tragedy with photos, which were later posted online. She told Legend and her mother to take pictures "no matter how uncomfortable it was." She emphasized that Legend clearly "hated it," and explained why the photographs were necessary.
"I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story," she wrote, before dismissing the critics. "I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."
Teigen touched on her and her family's final goodbyes to Jack, as well as the roller coaster of emotions that followed. The pain, the guilt, and the gratitude for everyone who has expressed their support over the past weeks.
"I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so," she said. "Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky."
You can read Teigen's full piece here.