Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson
Stars: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Eloise Mumford, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Victor Rasuk, Max Martini, Dylan Neal, Callum Keith Rennie, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden
Release date: February 13

An alternate title for Fifty Shades of Grey: How You'll Spend Valentine's Day 2015, Bro. Your girlfriend is already dying to see this adaptation of E.L. James' amateurishly written, glorified fan-fiction novel, the one infamous for its rampant sex and kinky BDSM. She's probably got two tickets on hold via Fandango. You'll be seated in the nearest multiplex on Valentine's night, watching the virginal Anastasia Steele (newcomer Dakota Johnson) get turned out both physically and emotionally by suave, fetishistic playboy Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan, the next Robert Pattinson, sans the emo-ness).

Now let's just hope that Fifty Shades of Grey is more than just a hard-R-rated Lifetime movie. The source material makes Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books read like Hemingway, and the chemistry displayed by stars Johnson and Dornan at this weekend's Golden Globes was about as steamy as a broken iron. It's also worth noting that Sons of Anarchy's Charlie Hunnam—originally cast as Christian Grey—abandoned ship for a reason, and you'd be naive to think it was only because of I-don't-want-to-be-Pattinson-status cold feet.

Either way, Fifty Shades of Grey is about to whip box office into submission. Your best bet, if you want to make wifey happy, is put on that Pulp Fiction gimp suit and grab some popcorn. —Matt Barone