Ahh, the VMAs. It’s the one time of year that you can be sure that MTV (Music Televison) will take a break from reality TV and focus on popular music. I’m not mad, I love reality TV. Music is alright too. To be honest, I get excited for the VMAs, and although I went through an angst-ridden period in my life where I hated MTV and whined about how “they don’t even show music videos!” (you probably still do that, you little bitch), I somehow got over that and now I watch it almost as much as I watch Animal Planet and Nat Geo.

As you’re reading, keep in mind that these are all jokes and I think I took some of them too far in a tasteless direction. Thanks to MTV for the photos and for the entertainment. If you missed any of the performances from the show, you can catch them here. Okay let’s go.

Up top is Chelsea Handler making fun of Gaga. She was kind of funny but, as is the norm for hosts/hostesses, not too funny. I always wonder if maybe she was told to not be too funny. I don’t know what purpose that would serve, but awards shows have the uncanny ability to make funny people not so funny.

Read on for the rest of the VMAs in pictures.


Will.I.Am did this. He stayed like this all night, which must have been extremely uncomfortable, but wow, what a statement.

Eminem stood back to back with a sassy looking RiRi and mean mugged the MTV cameras after his performance of that song he did with Rihanna. You know, that song with the video starring Megan Fox and that guy from Lost. Yeahhh, that shit is hard. Maybe he’s just mad that his stylists wouldn’t let him wear a sweatsuit.

deadmau5 was the house DJ. Nobody in America knew who he was. Everyone watching thought it was some kind of zany prop and didn’t even bother saying “Who’s that?” Does anyone that knows how to pronounce deadmau5 also know what VMA stands for? Prob not, right?

Obviously, Bieber was a douche. Also, I think his voice dropped a little. Uhhh oh. Probably time to neuter him so he doesn’t get too aggressive. Maybe that would also solve that weird urine marking thing he does when he’s introduced to new environments.

Usher can do this. By the look on his face, it looks like he’s struggling with this position, but I just tried to mimic it via my full length bedroom mirror and I could do it pretty easily without making a weird face. Confusion > Usher? He’s really old though, so credit to Usher for still being able to do this.

Florence and the Machine performed and tried to be really artistic. Not sure why she was there (maybe she knew someone in the stage/lighting crew?) Guys that tuned in to see Linkin Park called the performance gay. Girls that tuned in to see Bieber called the performance gay. I liked it.

Taylor Swift performed a diss song about Kanye West because last year he stole her spotlight in what was the most entertaining live TV moment of the year. Since she’s not a rapper, she didn’t seem to have a firm grasp on the idea of a diss song. Most of it was indirect, metaphorical babbling and there was little to no profanity. Ooh, cool diss song! #Sike. Her best line: “32 years old and still growing up?”  Ugh. Someone needs to let this girl hear “Hit ‘Em Up“.

Drake was trying to be all classy with Mary J. Blige. He performed “Fancy”. So, you’ve got Drake and you’ve got Nicki Minaj, but Nicki performs with Will.I.Am and Drake performs with Mary J Blige? How about Drake and Nicki get together and do “Up All Night”, and in a twist, Drake proposes to Nicki on stage? Fuck, someone hire me to plan this VMA shit, because that would have been classic, and anyone that knows anything about either of those artists knows it. (Serious inquiries about hiring me can be sent to my email address. Seriously.)

B.o.B performed “Airplanes” with Hayley Williams from Paramore. As Hayley stepped out from the smoky backdrop, the teen screams made me feel strangely embarrassed, like my friend’s middle school sister just called my outfit cute.

If you ever struggle with the meaning and artistic use of “juxtaposition”, refer back to this photo…

No jokes for this one. Pusha T joining Kanye on stage was the highlight of the VMAs for me. Eghck! I can’t wait to see what comes out of Pusha now that he’s joined G.O.O.D. Music.

Two trannies… still haven’t identified either.

Lady Gaga won Video of the Year, along with every other VMA that was offered this year. I’m happy to see Gaga win. Moment of clarity – I support Lady Gaga. I don’t listen to her music on the reg, but she’s a pop star. A full blown pop star. And she’s still crazy as hell, wildly creative, and talented as a singer and musician. She didn’t get where she is by just being another pretty face, and that’s more than you can say for 99% of mainstream pop artists today. Give her some credit. I think she’s good for pop music, and good for some of the young girls that look up to pop stars. Gaga might be weird, but she’s still a better role model than Britney Spears, right?

Bieber’s first boner.

Lady Gaga was wearing a dress that was made to look like raw meat. Update: The dress was actually made out of real meat (link). So this is Drake eating Gaga’s meat. Look at Drake’s face. Now look at Gaga’s face. Wow.

Bieber’s second boner.

Street cred? Shit, Bieber’s got that. Here’s him with Will Smith’s son at the VMAs sippin’ on some waterz. The party boys got ready together at the hotel room while listening to Walkin’ On Sunshine. Then Jaden’s dad gave him 20 bucks, which Bieber stole ’cause he’s bigger ‘n’ more popular. But then Usher stepped in with a strong pimp hand to Bieber’s soft cheek, telling him to never hold any cash without reporting back to Daddy. Bieber should know better, but we all know how whores kids get.

Katy Perry, Rihanna, Ke$ha, and Nicki Minaj.

Or better yet…Nicki, Rihanna, Rihanna, and Nicki.

These Aborigines seemed to be a simple people. They looked confused, but I think it’s cool that MTV let them in to see some modern American culture.

Rihanna posed with Ne-Yo, making a face like you make when you’re posing with your creepy uncle who is wearing something embarrassing. Ne-Yo is making a face like “Hell yeah my left hand is on Rihanna’s ass and my right hand is working it’s way towards my crotch. I don’t give a fuck, you see this hat I’m wearing? Shiiit, take the picture.”

Jay Sean dominated Ne-Yo at Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Drake plays it cool, as usual, even though he’s sitting next to the freakish Will.I.Am, who at this point realizes his obvious mistake and tries to overcompensate by chugging highballs for the rest of the night.

B.o.B felt soft for performing with Hayley so he robbed some dude in the parking lot and stole all his stuff. That dude was Zack Morris.

LMFAO says: “Let’s just try to ride this thing out, yeah? Can you muster up a crazy face?” Insert any joke about shots or “I’m in ______, bitch!” here.

Good times, VMAs. See you next year.

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