The 25 Worst Household Items Sold On SkyMall

Oh SkyMall, you brief respite from boredom as we soar through the air in an elongated, pressurized metal tube. How you keep us endlessly entertained for minutes as we peruse your pages, looking at photos of luxury beds for the dogs and cats we do not own, Sasquatch sculptures for the gardens we wish we had, and orthopedic shoes for the grandmothers we hoped would love us more.

Then somehow, we get really drunk on the plane and come home to a bunch of shit we didn't know we bought. Whoops. Here are the 25 Worst Household Items Sold On SkyMall.

Design is about providing practical solutions to everyday life. For instance, hiding a spare key so your friend can get into the crib. The Rock Key Holder can't help you if you live in an apartment building, though. Really, what are you gonna do with this thing?

This ornamental sculpture is so curious, we can't even wrap our heads around it. Is it a memorial to dead children? Or, is it a ploy to entrap local kids? Either way, "Hide And Seek" is flat out frightening.

Nobody has so many Tiki parties that an Easter Island Monolith is a required garden decoration, and if you buy one, congrats. That's the last head you'll ever receive.

Nothing adds class to a front lawn quite like a perpetually peeing dog. Most people ward off such activities. Some frequent flyers, apparently, celebrate the moment always and forever.

This totally makes sense, right?

Ever watch Lord of The Rings II totally based and wished those talking trees were real so you could burn a few and talk about nature and shit? Now you can do that in your backyard.

Meercats are the most unlikely television stars in history. Which, logically means having some fake ones on the lawn will up your block cred. Or you know, confirm to your neighbors that you are in fact the 40-year-old virgin.

If you can't own a farm, fake the funk. Two glasses of red wine and a Xanax will help you rationalize the decision. Perfect if you also like to fuck sheep.

Unless you are Belgian and celebrating cultural heritage, the purchase of this fountain is just pause-inducing.

To confirm, nobody is fooled by these fake rocks, only housewives who don't know their husbands are cheating.

Doorstops should be hefty, noticeable, and maybe somewhat hilarious. This leaf blows like Jerry Sandusky at football camp.

The frequency of dragons in SkyMall product is frankly astounding.

If you own one of these, chances are you still live at home with your mother — or you're oblivious to think a police officer wouldn't discover the contents inside once your car is searched. However, we're still curious to know if it comes with chips as the picture suggests.

Holiday ornaments are a big part of the SkyMall offerings. We can't fault smart ways to store fake Christmas trees. On the flip, we can smirk all we want at mechanical gag gifts that wouldn't scare a mouse — or at the very least double as a self-pleasuring device.

We can also smirk at this miniature Yeti. Anyone who can think of what Bigfoot has to do with the holidays should contact us. Acquiring a treatable STD would prove more enjoyable than thanking the family member who gave you this.

Imagine looking at this little fellow's condiscending face everytime you drop a duece. Now consider if, under any circumstance, you'd invite him into your bathroom. Yup, we can't rationalize it either.

First question, once placed around the neck, how does one gracefully extract a roll from the Giraffe Paper Holder. Second question, who thought of this? Third question, why is this Giraffe wearing a turtleneck?

What does one do with a contemplation box? And, how does a skull wrapped in a dragon help keep notes safe from anything or anyone? There are only three things one could plausibly keep in here: weed, 12-sided-die, and tissues for jerking ills. Or all three. Which is very likely if you own one.

For those that champion fantasy card games, we salute you. We also suggest that a Knight holding a poker is not the best way to broadcast your extracurriculars.

Perfect for people who always wanted to have a fat, bent over Japanese man hold their beer and the remote but can't get a response on Craigslist.

King Arthur would hate this table as much as we do.

Sure, this is the logical accompaniment to a table built on top of a dragon. Yet, the question beckons what type of woman would show you her whispering eye after spotting this inside your apartment?

Like the ancient mummies, these tombs also perfectly preserve the antiquated artifacts known as "compact discs."

Not even a stripper would buy this.

For those times you get drunk on a plane and realize you've just completely given up on life. It's practically a noose, but ten times more humiliating.