10 Reasons Why Levi's Still Make The Best Jeans In The World

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Levi’s denim has been around since 1873. That’s fucking insane. You know what else is still in operation since 1873? Not much except latent socio-economic racism, systemic political corruption and the fact that everyone on Earth still loves gold. (I know, I know, everyone always says Levi’s were made and sold to gold miners, but you and I both know that the California Gold Rush peaked in 1849 and Levi’s weren’t sold until 1873, but don’t be that know it all guy, just let me just finish my story, dick.) They still find old Levi’s in crazy abandoned mines—they are that old and that prominent in our cultural lexicon. You know how French people are always like, “Ugh, you Americans and your weak coffee and bourgeoisie social mores”? WELL, SUCK IT FRANCE BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD WANTS A PAIR OF AMERICAN BLUE JEANS. Yep, one of the most enduring American cultural gifts to the world was invented and developed by an immigrant. IT’S LIKE THE AMERICAN DREAM WRIT LARGE, NAH MEAN? As if we haven't gassed 'em up enough, here are even ten more reasons why Levi’s still make the best jeans in the world.

Uh, Hello, They Invented Jeans

I mean, c’mon. Every single other pair of jeans in the world is just a fucking copy of the OG. It’s like when Bone Thugs came out and everyone was trying to rap real fast. Remember? Even Biggie’s fat ass was huffing and puffing through double time bars. Those super expensive Japanese jeans that you bought off that kid who runs his SuFu account like he’s a major cocaine importer/exporter? Yeah, they’re that expensive because the designers spent most of their adult lives researching, collecting and learning how to make Levi’s. So much so they get sued for copying the pocket arcuates. What’s an arcuate? FUCKING GOOGLE IT, BRUH BRUH. Google was invented so that you never have to admit you don’t know a certain fact to another human being. Just feign knowledge, pretend to go to the bathroom and get that mobile search on.

You Can Do Anything You Want In A Pair Of Levi's

Seriously. You can skateboard, cook, go camping, hiking, tailgate, play baseball, work with wood, garden, sell drugs, get arrested and go to court (though the judge would probably frown upon that last part) all in a pair of Levi’s. If you’re a teacher and you want to be the “cool teach” that plays guitar and knows about video games and Kanye West, what do you do? YOU WEAR A PAIR OF FUCKING LEVI’S. Nowadays, unless your boss is a complete dick, you probably can even wear jeans to the office. The only thing you can’t do in a pair of Levi’s? Dry hump. Friction and denim can be a dangerous combo. But really, you shouldn’t be dry humping at all. That is a childish form of sexual gratification.

They're A Real, True Blue “Heritage Brand” That Doesn't Suck Because They Can Also Keep It Futuristic

Oh shit, this brand was founded in 1066 making blankets and Friar Tuck robes? TOO BAD THE FIT IS DESIGNED FOR A FUCKING SASQUATCH. I THOUGHT HISTORY HAS PROVEN THAT PEOPLE HAVE GOTTEN BIGGER OVER TIME, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. DUDES WERE STARVING DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION, WHY WERE THEIR CHORE COATS SO FUCKING BIG? Every brand with an extensive archive is hiring some cool kid designer these days to do what everyone does with heritage brands and what every copywriter is sure to let their already informed consumer know about. SNORE. BORING. SHUT UP. BEEN THERE DONE THAT INFINITY TIMES OVER. Levi's, unlike the other guys, isn't dumb and can flip the script when times call for the wavy and futuristic. Look no further than their Made & Crafted line which knows how to keep a foot not only in the past, but the now and yet to be. Is it weird that they have three feet? Sure. But the gear bangs and that's all that matters.

If They Were Good Enough For Men In 1870, They’re Good Enough For You

Dudes back in the day were coal and copper miners and shit. Can you imagine riding a car down a giant fucking hole into the earth? Remember the Transcontinental Railroad? THEY BUILT A RAILROAD ACROSS THE FUCKING NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT. I can’t even build one of those toothpick bridges your teacher makes you build for the Science Fair. Pioneers wore these jeans. Pioneers as in people who came to the west via THE OREGON FUCKING TRAIL. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE THEY BURIED BECAUSE OF TYHPOID? HOW MANY RIVERS THEY FORDED? HOW MANY BEARS AND SQUIRRELS THEY SHOT? If these jeans were good enough for dudes who handled shit like the Great Depression and the Dustbowl, two World Wars and Polio, these jeans are more than adequate for your lifestyle, the most dangerous aspect of which likely involves the potential intestinal strife you risk by eating both one of those Taco Bell Doritos numbers.

Everyone Looks Good In Levi’s, Except Maybe This Guy

Get the fit right and even your Dad will look like Steve McQueen. Dad jeans is no longer a pejorative, homie. We’re all out here dressing like homeless, Japanese versions of our dads now anyway and I guarantee your dad rocked a pair of Levi’s back when he was smoking cigs, chirping at birds and listening to rock and roll. Fuck it, even your lame friend that wears Game of Thrones T-shirts will look pretty fucking cool in a pair of dark Levi’s. Just make sure you make him stand in the back of the group. Cool jeans can only slightly balance out the dark matter force of a skrong nerdy tee game.

The More Your Fuck Them Up, The Better

INSANE FADES! WICKED WHISKERS! These are the type of accolades a well-worn pair of Levi’s can garner you. And you ain’t shit till you had your first crotch blowout. No, a crotch blowout is not some new, terrifying sexual favor that today’s technologically advanced, hyper-sexual youth has developed. It’s just a hole in the crotch of your jeans. But you only get crotch blowouts after months and months of dedication. Dedication to not washing your jeans enough because that kid on Tumblr said never to wash your jeans. Dedication to making sure you put your wallet and phone in your pockets in exactly the same position so as to ensure a proper fade outline. Dedication to avoiding doing any real physical work while wearing your jeans because sweat makes you smell and when you smell your jeans do and, like I said before, you consider bathing your jeans the same way Medieval Europeans thought of bathing. All the snags, rips, tears, stains and fades are exactly how you want your jeans to look. It looks like you had Indiana Jones style adventures in those two-year-old Levi’s. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us. We won’t tell anyone that the wear and tear is due to your furious masturbation habit and constantly rushing and snagging your jeans on door jams and shit because you’re always late for work because of your pre-commute masturbation.

GIRLS IN LEVI'S FOREVER UNTIL INFINITY

“ASS TIGHT DENIM AND SOME DUNKS.” Seriously, girls in tight Levi’s are pretty much why wars are fought, why all best friends eventually turn into enemies and why the sky is blue. Name a more welcomed sight in the entire world than a girl in Levi’s and high heels. Or Levi’s and sneakers. Or Levi’s and a T-shirt. Or just Levi’s because BOOBIES. A girl in the right pair of Levi’s could get me to steal nuclear launch codes from President Obama. And I voted for that motherfucker twice!

The Claude Levi-Strauss Joke

Who is Claude Levi-Strauss? ONLY THE FATHER OF STRUCTURAL ANTHROPOLOGY, YOU FUCKING PHILISTINE. But he didn’t invent jeans. I remember my freshman year in college I looked on a syllabus and was like, “Damn, that guy was into anthropology too? I should’ve lived in the 1800s, shit was crazy back then. I probably could’ve be, like, a doctor AND a bank robber at the same damn time.” But then I got learned and realized that while academics love to make that joke, there’s actually no real connection between the French ethnologist and the Bavarian jeans inventor other than their names. But who cares? That pretty girl you go to school with will fucking love jokes about a French structuralist and his debates with Sartre about free will and agency and blue jeans. She is kind of a stoner and an anthropology major, so she’s decided to combine her two loves and study ethnobotany, which is code for, “I want to travel to South America and ‘study’ how shamans take highly psychoactive drugs as a part of their healing ceremonies.” You’ll never see her again after her semester abroad in Bogota, but you’ll always remember that she loved that Instagram photo you took of The Savage Mind tucked into the back pocket of your Levi’s. Bang her while you still can.

The Surviving Oldest Pair Of Jeans In The World Are From 1879

THESE ARE THE ULTIMATE DAD JEANS. I NEED THESE IN MY LIFE. DON’T THINK YOU’LL SCOOP ME ON THESE. I ALREADY SENT AN EMAIL TO LYNN DOWNEY, BABY.

Levi's Made & Crafted Is Dope And We're Not Just Saying That Because We Were Paid To

Levi’s Made & Crafted stitch the famous Levi’s Arcuates behind the pocket. What does that mean? It means as your jeans fade and wear, the arcuates gradually appear. I know! It means your jeans are like that dinosaur egg soap your parents got you back in the day. The more the soap wears away, the closer the little plastic dinosaur is to hatching. YES, LEVI’S MADE & CRAFTED JEANS ARE LIKE DINOSAUR EGGS MADE OUT OF SOAP. This is the highest compliment we could every pay anyone. Real moves require invisible details that no one else knows about or can see. You don’t buy clothes to show off to other people do you? Hahahah just kidding! Buy a pair of these jeans now and in 3-6 months, FLEX ON YOUR BITCH ASS FRIENDS WITH JEANS THAT HAVE ARCUATES THAT COME OUT LIKE WOLVERINE’S CLAWS. Sometimes you just gotta wait a little to stunt on peasants.

You fools probably front like you don’t wear workwear inspired gear anymore, which is straight bullshit, but I’ll give it to you just this one time. Regardless, Levi’s has transcended its workwear past. But, even still, Levi’s isn’t like you. Levi’s acknowledges its past and incorporates it into their design philosophy, especially in their Made & Crafted collection. When you went to college you acted like you never heard of a marching band despite your varsity letter all four years for some mean trombone playing. Be more like Levi’s—acknowledge your awkward adolescent phase and incorporate all those Friday nights playing Dungeons and Dragons into your future endeavors and they might even turn out as good as Made & Crafted's gear. Just don’t tell anyone about that time you shit your pants on the 8th grade field trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. No one needs to know about that.