12 Ways to Spot a Douchebag by What He's Wearing This Spring

Image via Complex Original

These motherfuckers, also known as season-pushers, are just too damn eager to show off the tribal tattoo on their calves. As soon as the seasonal thaw begins, these psychopaths come out of the wood work to showcase either the fact that they have nerve damage in their lower extremities or how fucking stoked they are for bikini season.

Self-explanatory. 

Are you the quickest texter in the West? Are you trying to tech stunt? What is the point of any of this? 

This is the "I-have-a-job-that-profits-off-the-blood-of-first-time-home-owners-but-can-still-shotgun-two-beers-in-30-seconds" look that's always on trend for these fuckers. It's the version of dressing high/low for these future residents of Dante's fourth circle.

The only dude to ever successfully pull off a visor without looking 200% like an asshole was Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights. 

The only reason madras pants have flourished is because most WASPs recognize their doucherry and celebrate their self-awareness every August with the most obnoxious trousers possible. Originating in colonized India and now presiding mostly on the rocky beaches of New England, these are one of the most noticeable indicators of toxic d-bag levels.

Here's a tip with a 100% success rate: If you want to achieve a modicum of respect in your life, do the opposite of everything Guy Fieri does. This obviously includes rocking your sunglasses on the back of your dome. 

Yes, wearing a seersucker suit to a summer wedding can make you feel like a gentleman/bawse. Especially if you're sipping mint juleps and start speaking with a drawl. But wearing seersucker anywhere else makes you look like a frat bro who brags about sending a pledge to the hospital and isn't worried about the pending charges 'cause you're related to the Governor.

Also self-explanatory. 

Nah. NAH! This is the hypebeast version of fashion-forwardness. Douchebags of SoHo: stop trying to make this happen.

Jonah Hill said it best.

Keep the taco meat restricted to Taco Tuesdays, bruh. This is simply unhygienic, and no matter how much cross-fit you did all winter long, ain't nobody wants to see that.