13 Signs You Are Dressed by the Internet

Image via Complex Original

When you're with your normal friends who don't salivate over $200 T-shirts, they think you're having a stroke when you start saying things like "Dick Ovens" and "Insta-cop." What started out as a vernacular joke in hashtag form has infiltrated your brain and speech, and pretty soon you can't separate online hashtags from IRL Tweets, aka conversation.

There are people in this world who will make fun of something they see other people enjoying, only to act all "GIMME GIMME GIMME" if the opportunity comes up to receive that same item for free, if only to Instagram it with a praying hands emoji thanking the brand for gifting them and showing off their level of influence. These dudes have and always will be dressed by the Internet.

The fuccbois you're scoffing at today are pretty much reflections of what you looked like and believed in a short time ago, meaning that your convictions are as swift and unanchored as most things on the Internet. Who knows? Maybe without a constant barrage of information you could give some considered thought to your personal aesthetic instead of being utmostly concerned with being on whatever the latest new-new is.

*Checks Instagram.*

"What?! 14 Likes?!?!"

*Throws entire outfit in garbage. Heads naked to store to cop new gear.*

Your outfits don't exist unless you lay them out in an organized grid to post online, or you get some poor soul to document all the subtle details of your 'fit that aren't really that subtle anymore after you blast them out into the online aether. For real question, though: when someone takes an outfit grid pic, are standing over their clothes completely naked?

Ideally, you're dressing for yourself every morning. But if not, hopefully you're stepping out looking fresh in the off-chance that you run into someone you're either crushing on or make them want to feel some type of way. However, if you're leaving the crib in an alphet that is only meant to instill jealousy and envy in your peers, then there's some sort of inferiority complex going on that has probably been fostered and developed by the incessant need to keep up.

The endless flow of Internet advice has convinced you that you need specific outfits for a second date, heading to the lumber yard, an apres-ski drink, etc. You believe that there are more than four seasons in a year, and you ask for details on plans not so you can head to the right place on time, but so you know exactly how to dress.

One look at your closet is like peering at a recent timeline of men's style trends. If you've hopped on every single one of them, and plan to continue doing so, then the Internet is your mood board and abyss into which you heedlessly throw your dollars.

"Wait, why is this dude purchasing food that isn't instant ramen? And what's this bouquet of flowers charge? There's no way he's buying something nice for his mom. Shut it down, people! And get him on the phone to alert him that his information has been stolen and is being used by someone decent who exists outside of e-swag."

There's no questioning whether this is something you need, let alone want. As soon as a garment gets a co-sign by whatever blog you wholeheartedly subscribe to, your credit card info is punched in and you stay thirsting for 3-5 business days...until the next item gets a co-sign and the first is forgotten about forever.

As a sheep chasing after whatever the Internet tells you is dope, you've undergone so many style transformations that your #tbt pics are pretty much another person, even if they're not that heavy of a throwback. Nostalgia to bad haircuts and style that designates a specific era is cool and all, but if the changes are so drastic due to personal metamorphoses are rampant, it's time to develop your own sense of steez instead of doing what the Internet tells you.

You endlessly cop with the justification that these pieces will never go out of style and will definitely last a lifetime. Of course, that's what you said about the things gathering dust in the back of your closet. "Timeless classic" is a favorite phrase of Internet-centric style, and if you begin to apply this moniker to everything, then it loses its actual meaning. Do your homework and give extensive though to what you truly will wear all your life, and then pull the trigger.

If you're spending countless dollars and switching up your personal aesthetic and beliefs everytime someone tells you something new, then you have problems bigger than just being dressed by the Internet.