The Douchiest Clothing Brands Out Right Now

Image via Complex Original

As seen on: Get-rich-quick scheme practitioners; guys who read nothing but self-help books; avid golfers who carry a 35+ handicap 

The Trump Signature Collection is the official uniform for financial advisers who will siphon half of your investment money and dump the rest into Bitcoin. If a realtor shows you a home and is wearing a non-iron dress shirt with the DJT signature French cuffs, trust that the home has a cracked foundation and a water heater that leaks more than the duodenums of the geriatric 2013 Knicks.

As seen on: Men who ride tandem bicycles in their engagement photos; unruly Zach Brown Band fans; guys who cannot go ten minutes without quoting a Will Ferrell movie

Vineyard Vines is the official line of clothing for men who—without much of a fight—hold their fiancee's Yorkshire Terrier puppy in family Christmas cards. Look at these guys smile ear-to-ear because their Facebook check-in at Dunnavant Family Ranch & Winery has 12 likes and three supportive comments. This is what it would look like if Gordon Gekko and Russell Westbrook gave birth to quadruplets on the 12th green at Augusta National.

As seen on: Guys with the names of at least two ex-girlfriends tattooed on their bodies; weight room hooligans; particularly rowdy Nickleback fans

This is one of the brand's that's backed by purported combatants, so we have to be careful. Between pissing off Wale and now an unknown number of cocaine-addled kickboxers, the Complex office is one arbitrary snap away from becoming a scene out of Roadhouse. With nothing but Mac Books and packs of Marlboro cigarettes to protect us, our odds are not good. With that, we'll just say that wearing a TapouT shirt makes you a total hardass, good luck ducking those child support payments, and your backyard wrestling career is going to take off in 2014. We good, bruh?

As seen on: Defeated old men; embarrassing parents; purveyors of unfrequented eHarmony accounts

Like wearing raggedy sweatpants to Outback Steakhouse, sporting hole-ridden rubber clogs communicates a defeatist message to the world. Crocs are the Tim Tebow of shoes, which is to say extraordinarily cheesy and only appreciated by guys with a first-rate strategic knowledge of fantasy football. If you're facing weighty criminal charges and need a viable plea of insanity, wear a pair of Duck Commander Realtree Clogs to court.

As seen on: Clowns who bring a roasted kale and sweet potato quinoa dish to a Super Bowl party; guys who Google whether or not a meal is "Paleo" before eating; that couple that does a synchronized ab workout on neighboring Bosu balls at the gym

This is the dude who is so brazenly cavalier that he does box jumps on a bus stop bench at 6 a.m. like a Nespresso-dependent Jack Lalanne. There's nothing wrong with throwing your day in a chokehold and eating mixed greens, but it takes a special kind of energy to overcompensate like the Lululemon guy. Based god help you if you're at a party and this fellow corners you with a cost-benefit analysis of heavy resistance bands versus free weights.

As seen on: Selfie-addicted teenagers who have 100,000 Instagram followers for no discernible reason whatsoever; dudes puking in campus bar urinals; your younger brother who's forced to wear your hand-me-downs begrudgingly

Hollister is like an Abercrombie & Fitch for people who prefer a superficial notion of Southern California to huffing keyboard cleaner in a postmodern moose lodge. Like, if you're more of a shirtless surfer guy than shirtless, trust fund-dependent rugby player, then you're going to want to go in the store with the cabana-style roof and all of the lights off.

As seen on: VH1 reality show castoffs; MILFs; Florida nightclub managers

Nowadays, to mix a deep v-neck with the telltalle heavily embroided back pockets of True Religion denim is to say to the world, "I was the first person eliminated from The Bachelorette and I need a couch to crash on." But in a different world, True Religion is actually a powerful flex. 2 Chainz named his 2011 mixtape T.R.U. Realigion after the brand, and rocked it head-to-toe on the cover. Meanwhile, young rapper Chief Keef isn't afraid to drop over $2,000 at the True Religion store, either. And when Instagram-famous people like @itslavishbitch are flourishing by wearing two pairs of Trues with a Louis belt, it's evident that the jeans brand is still stunt-worthy in certain circles.

As seen on: Guys who make less than $20,000 a year, but own two street bikes; sports car aficionados; dads suffering from mid-life crises

Wearing Ferrari gear is a lose-lose scenario. For those who own a Ferrari: Matching your track suit with a lipstick red California is the style equivalent to screaming primitively at a Gold's Gym squat rack. In the Internet age, that shit is especially dangerous. If you're not careful, an onlooker will upload a snapshot to the web and you'll live on in infamy as a meme. Likewise, if you're wearing all Ferrari everything and pushing your mom's wood-paneled Chrysler Town & Country, the interwebs will be similarly unforgiving. We're just looking out for you fuccboiz.

As seen on: Honor students who are about that 9 p.m. curfew life; teens who just don't know any better; soccer moms who are trying to be cool in the most mom way ever

Aeropostale is so vapid and basic that there's no way anyone wears the brand's clothes on purpose. Like driving the speed limit and above ground pools, the mall store is another blemish of the suburbs that was introduced by The Illuminati to systemically destroy the human spirit. Stay woke.

As seen on: Washed rappers; international playboys; dudes who vaunt more active restraining orders than deliberately ripped holes in their jeans

Dolce & Gabbana is what you'd wear if you ran an organized crime syndicate out of a Bally's Total Fitness weight room. This is the official apparel for guys who write their phone numbers on bottle service receipts. That said, combine these tattered jeans with a sleeveless suit vest and you're well on your way to being Jennifer Lopez's date to the 2015 People's Choice Awards. Being a d-bag does have its perks.

As seen on: Swaggerless finance majors at SEC schools; dudes that double-tap all of your girl's Instagram pictures with sinister motives; bros who do the vast majority of their beer funneling via the butthole

Look at this picture. That's the guy your girlfriend's parents wish she was dating instead of you. Southern Tide is a brand that says: "I have four Craigslist prostitutes and a solid coke connect in my contacts, but other than that I make really sound life decisions." This is your look if you're still rebounding from a devastating loss to the Sig Alphs in last year's intramural flag football championship and you self-medicated with grain alcohol and laughing at poors.

As seen on: Country club dads; divorcees; guys who are "really stressed out about impressing a client"

From Arnold Palmer to Ben Hogan, the country club has so many amazing style icons. Yet, the Fox News target demo insists on taking its fashion cues from the on-floor employees at Target. Instead of varsity cardigans and cashmere sweaters, the corporate golf outings of America are littered with pleated khaki shorts and smug fuckmen bellyaching about 401k losses. It's sad, really.

As seen on: Tough guys; gym rats who leg press 10 plates, but can't run a mile without puking on the treadmill belt; dudebros who celebrate being thrown out of the Applebee's bar by roundhouse kicking the side mirrors off of cars in the parking lot

Wow. The picture above might as well be out of the spring/summer 2014 Affliction lookbook. But, one has to be careful when poking fun at the Affliction line. Even though most of the brand's disciples are community college students who frequent Buffalo Wild Wings, the company sponsors a handful of expertly trained Muay Thai fighters. No snap is worth losing one's teeth over, so we're going to tread lightly on these guys.

As seen on: Strip club DJs; dudes who rarely pass through a DUI checkpoint successfully; tattoo artists who accept crushed Vicodin pills as payment

If you want to look like a vandalized subway car that's been digested and shitted out by a dragon that breathes self-tanning spray instead of fire, this is your look. Ed Hardy has long been the Michael Jordan of d-bag threads, and the brand's reign of skull graphic terror shows no sign of slowing down.

As seen on: The junior high lunchroom "cool kids" table circa 1999; guys who woefully exaggerate the number of women who have seen their penis; devotees of O.A.R. who get especially turnt when the band covers a Bob Marley song in concert

Today's young adults deserve a lot of credit for shunning A&F, because "1892" used to be the call number for suburban, shithead teenagers. As it stands though, the brand's had a worse eight-year falloff than Avril Lavigne. Now, Abercrombie only comes up when a blowhard accosts the company's CEO for not making clothes for fat people. Like the brand's most ardent customers, A&F peaked during the tail end of the Clinton administration.