How Glenn Beck's Line of Women's Clothing Will Help Us Defeat ISIS

Yesterday, our great nation was given the most beautiful, radiant dose of truth since Sarah Palin started her subscription-based digital channel: Glenn Beck has launched a clothing line for women. I've always been a believer that we should be getting our garments and our demagoguery from the same sources, but if you aren't as convinced as I am that the best designers are pro-intelligent design, let Glenn explain it to you.

Glenn took a daring, forward-thinking approach to announce his new line for ladies: he posted a self-congratulatory rant on Facebook. The whole thing is an amazing exercise in self-righteousness, even by Facebook's standards. Here is a choice passage:

"God forbid a designer makes anything cool that would fit [my daughter]! Most American women are shaped like Norma Jean not the 12 year old boy shaped models covering the walls of the 'cool stores'.

As I wiped the quiet and hidden tears away store after store as she was told, 'oh, no, it doesn't come in that size.' I made myself a promise.

I wasn't famous or rich at the time, but I vowed if I ever had a chance I would start a fashion line that was cool, hip, and great quality that would come in sizes that would fit my Marilyn.

Today I make good on that promise. 1791 is proud to announce our new line of women's denim. We begin with denim jacket and jeans."

We begin with denim jackets, then we move on to mansplaining body shaming issues, then to reclaiming our country's glory. This is what makes American great.

I am sure there are some of you who don't believe in the healing power of Beck's denim. Trust me, these jeans, jackets, and folksy/hipstery libertarian t-shirts are going to be the key to America's coming salvation. The only way to defeat our enemies who abhor American decadence is to purchase a $200 pairs of jeans and a $200 axe to go with them. Here's How Glenn Beck's Line of Women's Clothing Will Help Us Defeat ISIS.

With the dress, 1791 reminds ISIS that Christian fundamentalism and Islamic fundamentalism aren't all that different. For example, both dogmas shame women for their sexuality and prefer that they bury themselves beneath layers of formless fabric.

Perfect for Spring!

How it will defeat ISIS: They will see the #rare hemlines on this shirtdress and flock to buy them for themselves.

This dope tee allows pasty white people who don't like the idea of their taxes going to fund infrastructure when they could use that money to put a spoiler on the back of their Mustang to compare themselves to slaves. If members of ISIS see this shirt, they'll understand that while they're taking actual sex slaves, Americans are calling themselves slaves when in reality they are free to do whatever they want. Even radical Islamists should be able to see that this is a much better social model than what they have going.



How it will defeat ISIS: Heads will explode trying to decipher the actual meaning of "Dangerous Freedom Over Peaceful Slavery."

I know what you're thinking: faux vintage elephant tee = lame attempt by Republicans to make a play for hipster branding. Oh, if only it were that simple. This t-shirt actually commemorates the time Thomas Edison electrocuted an elephant. Here's how Glenn and company put it:

"In 1903, Edison sent 6,600 volts of AC through Topsy, a condemned circus elephant, in front of a crowd of onlookers. Topsy died 'without a trumpet or groan.'"

Why has Glenn gone with "dead elephant chic" for this piece? Here's his justification:

"This bizarre story illustrates what happens when competition and innovation—both good in and of themselves—become more important than moral integrity."

ISIS does some fucked up shit, for sure. But, if we show them that we make T-shirts honoring electrocuted elephants as some bizarre fable about morality in the free market, they'll know we came to play.

How it will defeat ISIS: Militants will try to duplicate the Topsy experiment to create pachyderm superweapons, will fail and get electrocuted.

Your boy Glenn isn't just selling clothing at 1791.com. Like any great 21st-century retailer, the man is selling a lifestyle. And no matter what sort of life you currently lead, there has to be room in it for a creepy oil painting of a homely lady from the pre-Civil War era.

How it will defeat ISIS: The paint is actually lead. And you know, people eat paint chips sometimes.

America's enemies need to understand that we will not simply destroy you. After we destroy you, we will put you on a t-shirt alongside the American flag. In the mid-19th century, there were millions of buffalo in the United States. By the end of the 1800s, there were 300.

As the United States built the Transcontinental Railroad, the U.S. exterminated buffalo and continued its campaign of genocide against the Native Americans in order to clear the path. Now t-shirts bearing the images of buffalo and Native Americans can be found at gas stations across this great nation.

How it will defeat ISIS: They will be driven mad at the fact that "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" is a grammatically correct sentence.

We may also put your shit on a pillow. The man selling that pillow may mock your people for celebrating their heritage as he pockets $100 for said pillow.

How this will defeat ISIS: Ancient Native American ghosts will avenge this travesty in droves, sort of like the ghost army in Lord of the Rings, which why we are sending a bunch of the pillows to ISIS hideouts.

Ladies, are you looking for that perfect gift for your hubby? Is he the kind of guy who misses the days when only unathletic white men played football, and it watching it was unbearable? Shell out $130 to buy him this football!

Another great American tradition is insisting that things were better in the past when they were actually terrible. From the Antebellum South to Full House, Americans know how to pretend things used to be great, no matter how awful they really were. Celebrate this great tradition by buying a football that you will never in a million years actually use.

How it will defeat ISIS: ISIS will start their own football league and concuss themselves into submission.

Sorry ladies, they don't yet have this shirt in women's sizes yet, but don't be afraid to rock an adult small or borrow your boyfriend's to wear over a pair of tights.

There is nothing sexier than a club membership form to put on a T-shirt, and that it belonged to Ulysses S. Grant (our sexiest President) makes this tee even more alluring. Show your dedication to the 2nd amendment and the NRA with this top. Hurry before the next inevitable school shooting makes this steamy tee too hot to handle!



How it will defeat ISIS: The NRA gains a foothold in ISIS, leading to more accidental shootings and lax gun laws for them, just as it has here in the States.

Remember the Great Depression—the time in our history when people were desperate and poor—with this $150 coin that has no actual value as currency.

How it will defeat ISIS: If we convince them to buy enough of these worthless coins, they may not have enough money left over to afford new machine gun mounted Jeeps.

If there is one item that every woman needs from 1791.com it is the $200 Lincoln Axe. This axe is far superior to an axe you could get for, say, $30 at a hardware store because a) there is an A.L. burned into the metal and b) the shitty Lincoln anecdotes from the product description come at no extra charge.

How it will defeat ISIS: It is our hope that all 1791 customers, both male and female, will consider buying an axe, and then heading over the Middle East to use it in hand-to-hand combat in defense of our country. It's what Honest Abe would have wanted.