Every Type of Man Bag, Ranked

We've come a long way since the 1950s, when every businessman had the same black briefcase used to house their fifths of bourbon and their mistress's panties. Today, we live in a far wider universe of male accessories. There are now as many styles of bag as their are kinds of man. A man's bag is a personal style statement, a calling card letting the world know exactly how dope you are no matter what you're wearing. A man's bag allows his true self to shine through whether he's sporting his best outfit or the required Best Buy uniform.

Now that we have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to man bags, every fashionable male is faced with the challenge of figuring out which bag is right for him. Fear not, potential bag purchaser, we have your back. Here is a ranking of every type of man bag we could think of. If one thing is true out on these streets, it is that the bag makes the man. Let us help you make the right choice. Here is Every Type of Man Bag, Ranked.

Pro: Wine gets you drunk.

Con: Why do you need a bag for a bottle of wine?

Pro: One hand is always full so no one can ask you to carry anything

Con: What's your mother going to say when she sees you carrying a clutch?

Pro: Ironic nostalgia

Con: People may not get that you're being ironic.

Pro: They always look so rustic and cool.

Con: Rendered unnecessary by pretty much any larger bag

Pro: Black goes with everything.

Con: The smell.

Pro: No one can tell what you're carrying in there.

Con: Itchy, suspicious.

Pro: People will assume that whatever is in the bag is nicer than what you're wearing.

Con: Not great for carrying much outside of garments.

Pro: It's 2015. Fuck gender binaries.

Con: You will forever be expected to have Chapstick.

Pro: You get to be smug.

Con: You're not moving the environmental needle one fucking bit, you smug hippie.

Pro: You'll fit right in with the 9th grade boys soccer team.

Con: Like a backpack, but shittier.

Pro: not burlap

Con: still kind of weird

Pro: Perfect for carrying around your camera—and only your camera.

Con: Do you really want to be one of those guys who carries around his camera everywhere?

Pro: Attracts lots of female attention.

Con: Only fits one very expensive item.

Pro: Maybe you can convince people you own a horse.

Con: Eventually, they'll find out you don't own a horse.

Pro: Recession-proof.

Con: Not a ton of storage; always at risk for impromptu knife fights.

Pro: Durable, cavernous, blue.

Con: To get one, you have to endure a trip to IKEA.

Pro: Great for carrying vittles such as hard tack or johnny cakes.

Cons: The Civil War is a pretty hot button issue right now, so maybe keep your haversacks in the closet for a while.

Pro: Easy justification for Big Lebowski references.

Con: Passersby may try to recruit you for their bowling team.

Pro: You could be the first dude on your block to cop one of these.

Con: Literally has not been in style for centuries.

Pro: Protects your computer so that it can reach planned obsolescence.

Con: Alerts potential bullies to your nerd status.

Pro: Was very cool eight years ago.

Con: People will ask you about your fixie.

Pro: Excuse to chat up girls at the laundromat.

Con: If you're carrying one, you're probably wearing your worst outfit.

Pro: Just the right size to meet your overnight hook-up needs.

Con: Half the duffel bag at full duffel bag price.

Pros: Fits everything you need if you want to hide from the police or spend some time in the woods experimenting with drugs.

Con: If you're the dude wearing one of these when not camping, you deserve to be robbed.

Pro: Status symbol.

Con: Incriminating; fictional.

Pro: Great for carrying things back and forth from college.

Con: You might get it mixed up with your little sister's field hockey bag.

Pro: There's nothing wrong with art teacher chic.

Con: Children will assume you're packing arts and crafts materials.

Pro: The wheel is one of mankind's greatest inventions.

Con: You will be in everyone's way at the airport.

Pro: Makes you look classy and professional.

Con: Makes you look like a corporate tool.

Pro: Like cars, bags look better with a top that rolls down.

Con: Getting anything out of them is a pain in the ass (also GTFO with that hatchet my dude).

Pro: a more grown up, formal version of the messenger bag

Con: Just try to keep a straight face if someone says to you, "Hey man, nice satchel."

Pro: Fierce, yet classic.

Con: As with headdresses and keffiyehs, cultural appropriation is a concern.

Pro: Aura of the mysterious traveler.

Con: People will ask you where you're going, so have some kind of answer prepared.

Pro: Makes you look young and hip; excellent lumbar support.

Con: Makes you look like a child.

Pro: Kind of like a fancy duffel bag.

Con: Kind of like a fancy duffel bag.