10 Things In Life That Are Better With A Moustache

Yes, we’ll admit it, some women are turned off by moustaches. That being said, there are females out there who enjoy a little facial hair. Both of these facts can be used to your advantage. There are ladies lounging around this lovely land that love luscious lip rugs, and you will be their Lancelot. Many men don’t have the wherewithal to grow a Mo, so you’ll stand out—a peacock among pigeons. Say you fall for a lady who doesn’t love it. What do you do then? Refuse to shave it: this is Movember after all. Tell her that she has to love all of you, even the hair below your nose and above you lips. If she leaves you over your moustache, it wasn’t going to last anyway. If she sticks around, you’ll know she’s a keeper. Love conquers all and moustaches conquer love.

Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “How does a moustache make you better at dueling?” Allow us to answer your question with another question: Have you ever seen anyone without a moustache win a duel? Whether we are talking about the cowboys of the old West, the cavaliers of the Renaissance, or corsairs of the high seas, a moustache is a prerequisite for a great duelist. Before you consider polishing your pistols or brandishing your rapier, we suggest you grow out a moustache to match your dueling ambitions.

Did you think that it was a coincidence that the quintessential disguise is black glasses with a fake nose and a moustache? Nothing will help you go undercover more than growing out those whiskers. Even your friends and family might mistake you for a whole new person. What’s that? You don’t believe us? Think about it. How many cartoons have you seen where a character simply has to apply a false moustache to blend into the crowd? How many bad “Evil Twin” episodes of television have you seen where simply shaving a moustache changes someone’s identity completely? It is a scientific fact that people are thrown off when even the most familiar face appears before them bearing a moustache. Just remember, you should let your friends and family know if you are growing out your moustache, as they may not recognize you if you don’t warn them first.

Don’t get us wrong, we aren’t recommending that you turn heel on us. A man who participates in Movember probably has some good deep down in his heart. We’re just saying that if you want to moonlight as a bad boy, you should grow out a moustache. What’s the fun of becoming a villain if you don’t have a moustache to twirl and a cape to flourish? If you are going to make like Walter White and break bad anytime soon, you had best do it while sporting a mo. Get your Snidely Whiplash on the next time you contemplate tying a young maiden to the train tracks and grow out a moustache as audacious as your dirty deeds.

What do you do when you are thinking through the biggest questions in life? You stroke your moustache. That’s right, if you are reading a great novel, admiring challenging art, or taking in a wondrous symphony, it is important to have a mo to run your fingers through while doing so. Women who notice you stroking that moustache while lost in thought will know that you’re a deep thinker and will certainly want to know what’s going on in that sophisticated mind of yours. If it turns out that you don’t have much going on in the brains department, stroke your moustache as you speak to her; it will make everything you say sound more intelligent.

They don’t call it keeping a stiff upper lip for nothing. If someone is trying to read your emotions like a deeply masculine book (basically a Hemingway novel), they are going to look at your upper lip. Cardsharps will try to look for the slightest quiver to see if you are bluffing about that royal flush. Put a curtain over that emotional window that is your upper lip, and don’t be surprised when you come out on top at the end of your next poker night. Do the research and see for yourself: behind every good poker player is a great moustache.

It’s simple mathematics, really. The more of your body that is covered with hair, the warmer you will be. Not all of us are fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on your perspective) enough to have a lush coat of chest hair, but a moustache is a good start. As we brace for those bitter winter months, you’ll see friends applying chap stick every five minutes as their teeth chatter curses at the cold winter wind. Not only will you have a little extra cushion against the cold with your Mo, but you’ll also feel inner warmth. That moustache will remind you of your internal fortitude to withstand all of life’s challenges from the bitter cold to a bitter break up.

Let us be very clear. We are not suggesting that any of you young bucks should grow a moustache in hopes of illicit behavior. First of all, your moustache growing powers are likely weak at that age, and whatever ends up on your upper lip will be an embarrassment to all of us. Secondly, a real man waits until he’s of age. No, we’re talking about those times in life when you have to fit in with an older crowd. Maybe the boss asked you out for 18 holes. Perhaps you are attending the girlfriend’s family reunion. You could be stowing away on a merchant vessel crewed by crusty old mariners. Whatever the case may be, if you are going to spending some time around men of a certain age, grow out a moustache so they’ll be uncertain of your tender age.

This goes for anything and everything manly. If you are grilling, fishing, hunting, lumberjacking, bulldozing, oil rigging, stadium demolishing, or partaking in any other manly pursuits, you really ought to have a moustache. Think of the most mainly men you’ve ever seen, from the Brawny Man to Ron Swanson to the guy your mom made you call Uncle Steve: these paragons of masculinity have one thing in common. While most of them wear flannel, all of them sport moustaches. Before you strap on your boots and head off into the wilderness to assert your manhood, you might want to consider growing out a moustache so that you’ll look the part.

There is a reason they refer to the moustache as a “cookie duster” or a “soup strainer.” A moustache is great for catching all that food that doesn’t make it into your mouth thanks to impaired motor skills. If you are exhausted from a long day of laboring or perhaps you’ve had one too many whiskeys at the local tavern, you might be snacking sleepy. Only a small percentage of that hastily prepared sandwich is likely to make it into your mouth. If you have a formidable moustache, some of that snack will get caught in your whiskers and you’ll be able to save some for later. Just be sure to clean that facial fur before small woodland creatures sniff out that leftover food and take up residence in there.