Wow, did you guys know that Skechers was in the top 10 of athletic shoes sold during the month of April? Yeah, I don't really care either, but that's kind of surprising, especially considering Skechers has been the official sneaker of strug lords everywhere for, like, my entire life. One time, I needed new sneakers and my mom was like, "What about these Skechers? They kind of look like the Vans you said you want." My response? "FUCK YOU, MOM. I HATE YOU. GOD, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY WHOLE LIFE?" I realize that is an incredibly snobby, elitist statement, but I direct you to the title of the website you are currently on and urge you to shut the fuck up and go cop some Skechers from Kohl's if you're really that upset.

According to industry expert Matt Powell from Princeton Retail Analysis, Skechers is, and I quote, "the hottest major brand in the U.S.," noting that the company has risen to secure the number five market share position. THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY. I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT PEOPLE ONLY WORE NIKE, CONVERSE, VANS, NEW BALANCE, ADIDAS AND SOMETIMES REEBOK. I mean, everyone except your dad. Dads everywhere have the uncanny ability to find the weirdest fucking sneakers on the planet to cut the lawn in. Maybe that's what's driving all these Skechers sales? I'm not sure I know anything anymore after hearing this paradigm-shattering news.

All this report really does is illustrate how in a year or so we're gonna see a bunch of influencers posting some Skechers Shape Ups on Instagram with the hashtag #endmediocrity or some shit. LET'S GET THAT SKECHERS MONEY, FAM. I would have made more jokes about this, but literally 3/4 of the original post is a bunch of nonsense about forward-looking statements and the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1996. LOL fuck business school, amirite?