Image via Complex Original
There are plenty of amazing athlete nicknames out there. Earvin Johnson has become synonymous with his alias, "Magic." Calvin Johnson is a beast wide receiver out on the gridiron, which makes his "Megatron" nickname so perfect. And nothing describes Tim Duncan's game better than his moniker, "The Big Fundamental."
Unfortunately, not every athlete is so lucky in the nickname process. Some people have received their nickname from an unfortunate circumstance, such as slip-of-the-tongue from your wife. We see you, David Beckham. Or when someone airs out the dirty laundry that you never wanted to see hung out to dry. Sorry, Michael Vick. Or someone compares you to something so weird that it can't be un-remembered. We feel your pain, Muscle Hamster, er, Doug Martin.
For all the athletes out there who desperately wish they could have a mulligan when they first received their moniker, this is for you. Here are the 15 Athletes with Nicknames They Wish You Would Forget.
“Muscle Hamster”
Victim/Athlete: Doug Martin
Sport: Football
Doug Martin hates the “Muscle Hamster” moniker. In fact, he once told NFL AM, “It has to be the worst nickname ever.” He may be right. Back in his days at Boise State, Martin received the nickname from his linemen teammates who called him Muscle Hamster “because of how much I could lift in the weight room.” At 5'9” and 215 pounds, the Buccaneers running back is definitely a muscular, stocky and short player. So, maybe he deserves the alias. No matter how awful it may sound. Good luck trying to live it down from here on out.
“The 40-Year-Old Virgin”
Victim/Athlete: A.C. Green
Sport: Basketball
Before the actual film The 40-Year-Old Virgin, there was A.C. Green, the real-life 40-year-old virgin. Even though he was a reasonably successful NBA player who could probably sleep with any woman in the prime of his career, Green chose to stick to his religious beliefs and remain abstinent until marriage. This stance didn't come without its temptations, especially from his own teammates who would send women his way. At the age of 38, one year after playing his last game in the league, A.C. married Veronique and he finally let his own version of “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” come to fruition.
“Doo Doo”
Victim/Athlete: Jadeveon Clowney
Sport: Football
One day, a young Jadeveon Clowney was hanging out with friends at a swimming pool when he accidentally “doo-dooed in the pool,” according to childhood friend Keon Stowers. Since that day, his closest friends have called him by the shitty nickname “Doo Doo.” After a underwhelming rookie season with the Houston Texans, the “Doo Doo” moniker may be apropos. Actually, we take that back! We've seen what you can do to opposing players out on the field.
“Ron Mexico”
Victim/Athlete: Michael Vick
Sport: Football
In March 2005, Michael Vick was slapped with a lawsuit by a woman named Sonya Elliott. According to Sonya, Vick gave her genital herpes when the two had sex in 2003. She attempted to further back up her accusation, saying the quarterback would visit clinics under the alias “Ron Mexico” when receiving treatment. Soon after that information came to light, NFL fans were purchasing customized Falcons jerseys with Vick's No. 7 and “Mexico” emblazoned on the back. Eventually, the league acted and prevented anyone from putting “Mexico” on any jersey. Vick and Elliot settled out of court.
“Spray Tan”
Victim/Athlete: DeMarco Murray
Sport: Football
In Dec. 2014, Brennan Clay accused of his wife Gina D'Agostino of having an affair with his former Oklahoma Sooners teammate and current Dallas Cowboys running back, DeMarco Murray. To back up his claim, Clay posted the raunchy text messages exchanged between Murray and D'Agostino on Twitter. But, at first glance, you wouldn't know for sure if these sexts were being sent from DeMarco because Gina allegedly saved his number on her phone as “Spray Tan.” If the Cowboys fail to advance very far in the playoffs because of Murray, we can't wait to see that “Spray Tan Wears Off” headline.
“FIGJAM”
Victim/Athlete: Phil Mickelson
Sport: Golf
Phil Mickelson is an undeniably good golfer, but sometimes, success can get to people's heads. Once upon a time, Mickelson was called “FIGJAM,” which allegedly stands for “Fuck I’m Good, Just Ask Me.” This attitude caused him to rub fans the wrong way. Over the years, though, Mickelson has remained a talented player, racking up the ninth-most PGA Tour victories. However, more importantly, Phil has apparently “mellowed considerably since the FIGJAM days,” according to a couple of his peers.
“The Molester”
Victim/Athlete: Lester Hayes
Sport: Football
Let's file this one under “It's Not What You Think,” okay? Famous for his bump and run coverage, Lester Hayes was given the nickname “The Molester.” Based on the definition, Hayes was definitely the type of cornerback who would “disturb, interfere with, or annoy,” but there's something dirty about being referred to as “The Molester.” We can't put our finger on it. No pun intended. It also didn't help that Hayes has a rule named after him which bans players from using Stickum, the sticky substance meant to improve someone's grip.
“F*** Y'all”
Victim/Athlete: Rolando McClain
Sport: Football
In Jan. 2013, Rolando McClain was pulled over for having tinted windows. The officer was going to simply give McClain a citation and keep it moving, but he had to complicate matters. When asked to sign his name, McClain wrote “Fuck y'all.” The patrol supervisor followed up with an out, asking him to put his real name. McClain responded, “That is my name.” He was arrested.
With the NBA continuously looking for ways to add new renditions to the annual Christmas jerseys, maybe the NFL should follow suit. Our vote is to have nicknames, so McClain could rock “Fuck Y'all” on the back. Easily the top-selling jersey of the season.
“Jeets”
Victim/Athlete: Derek Jeter
Sport: Baseball
If you see newly retired Derek Jeter in the streets, call him “D.J.,” “Captain,” hell, call him “Philip.” Just don't refer to him as “Jeets,” or more specifically, “Yeah Jeets.” In Nov. 2013, someone on a Reddit thread for groupie stories wrote a story about how this person's friend's cousin once dated Jeter and one day, found him sitting on his couch, naked and watching highlights of himself on the television. And if that isn't odd enough, while partaking in this interesting activity, D.J. would occasionally pump his fists and say, “Yeah Jeets, yeah Jeets.”
But it doesn't end there. Another person backed up the story, saying, he knew a girl who dated the former Yankees shortstop. When she allegedly went down on him, Jeter “put his hand on her head and said “Yeah Jeets, yeah Jeets,” as she kept going.” These stories could be probably are complete bullshit, but people never forget the incredibly salacious stories involving sports icons, like Jeets.
“Django”
Victim/Athlete: Udonis Haslem
Sport: Basketball
Fresh off the release of Django Unchained, Udonis Haslem was so inspired by the film that he wanted to do away with his already established nicknames, UD and Udonis. Instead, the Heat forward announced in Jan. 2013 that he wanted people to call him “Django.” Man, look… where do we begin? To date, there aren't many, if any, folks out there calling him by that “nickname.” That's a good thing.
“Baby Jordan”
Victim/Athlete: Harold Miner
Sport: Basketball
There are plenty of guys who get referred to as “the next Michael Jordan.” But, while in high school, Harold Miner received the nickname “Baby Jordan” for the way he was able to score in bunches and soar in the sky à la His Airness. Then, there was the bald head, the No. 23 on his jersey and the style of play which was very reminiscent of MJ. When Miner finally made it to the NBA, his tenure was short-lived. After four years, “Baby Jordan” was out of the league and with only two Slam Dunk Contest victories to his name, he failed to live up to the hype. Luckily, for Miner, he's not alone in that regard.
“Golden Balls”
Victim/Athlete: David Beckham
Sport: Soccer
In 2008, David Beckham and his wife, Victoria, discussed his return to favorability in the eyes of England soccer fans who were down on him after he was sent off for kicking an Argentinian player in the 1998 World Cup. Then, Victoria let it slip. “I call him Golden Balls now,” she uttered. While the former member of the Spice Girls admits that she regrets what she said, the nickname has stuck. Now, whenever someone wants to take a dig at Becks, they simply mention this alias which he really wishes you would remove from your memory. Forever.
“Bad Porn”
Victim/Athlete: Corey Maggette
Sport: Basketball
Over the summer of 2008, the Golden State Warriors signed Corey Maggette to a five-year, $50 million contract. Within a matter of months, the Warriors were reportedly regretting the lucrative deal they offered after he started off the season with a career-low shooting percentage. While Maggette did eventually manage to pick up his play, Warriors fans were quick to jump on the attack, anointing him with the nickname “Bad Porn.” If you're wondering how in the world did they come up with that, check out this incredible description: “Sure, there’s penetration and scoring, but are you really happy with what you’re seeing?” Like we said, incredible, right?
“The Servant”
Victim/Athlete: Kevin Durant
Sport: Basketball
Kevin Durant can swear all he wants that “The Servant” nickname was just a joke, but that was just, well, bad. For two whole days, Durant made people feel uncomfortable, especially ESPN's Stephen A. Smith, and if there are still people who refer to KD by this alias, that would open a whole Pandora's box of problems. Hopefully, this terrible attempt at humor never gets uttered by the public.
“Mrs. Doubtfire”
Victim/Athlete: Colin Montgomerie
Sport: Golf
If you find yourself at some holiday/New Year's Eve party in the next week or so, here's a little bit of advice. Don't tell someone, “Hey, you look like [insert celebrity name here].” It's a slippery slope with few positive outcomes. Colin Montgomerie can tell you all about it. Just looking at the above picture of the Scottish golfer, you can see an uncanny resemblance to Bill Parcells. And that's the good comparison. When hecklers really wanted to get under his skin, they would scream out “Mrs. Doubtfire!” As in the character played by the late Robin Williams in the 1993 film by the same name.
Given his alleged infidelity off the links, Montgomerie fought hard to gain respect for playing well but never winning a major title. However, when people started with the “Mrs. Doubtfire” chants, there was no way the 51-year-old was going to receive the appreciation he felt he truly deserved. Sorry… Mrs. Doubtfire, er, Colin. Colin!