20 Lies Sports Fans Tell Themselves

It may be difficult to convince some guys of this but, let's be honest, they need to realize that their experiences warming the bench for some DIII school during their college days won't cut it against seasoned pros like Candace Parker or Swin Cash. And if you really think you can take the court against a beast like Serena Williams, then you are flat-out crazy. That woman will eat you alive, and then take down her next challenger for seconds. Sure, most women in the WNBA can't dunk, and the women's tennis game is a bit of a mess compared the Big Four-era dominance of the men's side, but in one week these ladies still put in more hours at their respective sport than what you do in a year. Good luck holding your own against them. You'd need it.

One-sided relationships are never a good thing, but some fans just can't help themselves from getting too invested in their team. We've talked a lot about stans on this site, but just to reiterate our point: you never want to be one of these guys. Always realize that while you may live for every single posterizing play that Blake Griffin throws down on a nightly basis, he actually has no idea who you are. We know, we know: you don't want to believe it. He must've seen all those times you've tweeted at him, right? Trust us, though, you've just got to learn to let this one go. It's for the best.

When the first-round players start getting snatched up by all the bad teams, fans love to think that they've finally found their golden ticket to the postseason. In some cases, they're right. But for every Andrew Luck, RGIII, or Russell Wilson, you've got 10 Matt Leinarts or Vernon Gholstons. Drafting is one of the most inexact sciences we have, and despite all the advancements we've made in assessing a player's measurable qualities throughout the years, it only seems to have gotten more and more confusing. And don't even get us started on players drafted past the first round. Second-round picks struggle just to make the roster in the NBA, and you're almost more likely to win the lottery than you are to find the next Tom Brady waiting for you in the seventh round of the NFL Draft. It'd be nice if every pick could live up to the potential that we think they have, but too often, it just isn't meant to be.

Look, Raiders fans are crazy. We all know that. If they want to put on spiky helmets and leather outfits and silver facepaint, then that's their choice. However, it's also our choice to have absolutely zero respect for them because of antics like that. Whether you're an Oakland fan, or even someone like Fireman Ed, though, you just have to realize, at a certain point, you're too old to be wearing makeup and dressing up in ridiculous outfits just to watch a damn football game. If you want to put on a jersey, then go for it, but parading around and being a cheerleader from the stands gets a little embarrassing after awhile. C'mon, man, just sit down. Relax.

Ah, how easily we forget the good times with our favorite teams. It wasn't so long ago that Red Sox fans were saying how they could finally "die in peace" thanks to that 2004 World Series-winning squad, was it? Wasn't Theo Epstein supposed to be the infallible boy genius? Wasn't Terry Francona an indispensible leader? The problem is that fans always get hungry for more and more glory. We want to see our team leading a victory parade down Main Street every single year. One title is nice, but two is always better, right? If fans are ever wondering how coaches and players and executives can have so little loyalty toward their supporters, then all they need to do is look in the mirror.

It can be frustrating, year after year, to have to deal with an idiotic, apathetic, or completely misguided owner who seems to have no qualms about running your team into the dirt. In the NFL, the Lions and Bengals have long suffered from incompetent ownership, while the MLB boasts clowns like Jeffrey Loria, who has always made it clear that he has no problem trading away every last player he has on the roster, just for the sake of cutting costs. Never forget: as long as you keep on buying tickets and watching the games, the owners will keep on raking in cash, and setting fire to the franchise with all that extra money. Sports may be sentimental for you, but to them it's always a business, first and foremost.

Way back in the day, guys like Stan Musial and Ted Williams were the perfect citizens. They dominated America's pastime, always flashed a smile for the cameras, and even served in the military. They were as American as apple pie. Today? Not so much. With the wide variety of scandals that break nearly every day concerning professional athletes, it's impossible for us to hold them all to the standard that we once held Boy Scouts like Mantle and Musial. And not only is it unrealistic, it's also unfair. As it is, we ask these guys to work their asses off for the better part of their year just so that they can entertain us. At what point are they allowed to just live their own lives? Why should we care what they do in their free time? A lot has changed since the 1940s and '50s, and with that, we too have to adjust our expectations accordingly.

Alright, let's clear this up now: you either live with your team and die with them, or you don't do it at all. Regardless, using the royal "we" when referring to your favorite squad is still a little shady. You aren't an actual member of the team, meaning that you weren't on the field playing with those guys. You probably just watched them from the comfort of your couch while they ran around on your television screen, putting their everything into trying to get a win. If you really believe that you helped them win that game, or that "they" lost it all on their own, then you just have no idea what it means to actually be a fan. Enjoy the victory, but don't take the credit where it isn't due.

Everyone likes to claim that they were one of the fans who stuck by the team through thick and thin but we all know that, at some point, they quit on their team, even if just for a minute. For example: if you ever talk to anyone who says that they always supported the Detroit Lions throughout their 0-16 season, then you should take that as a clear sign that they're lying. Sports fans can be disappointed so many times, but that is the absolute limit for any sane individual in a single season. C'mon, you can be honest with us, you stopped watching them for a little while, didn't you? Ahhhh, we knew it! Hey, no judgment from us though. No one should have to put up with that much abuse.

Baseball purists are some of the most misguided fans in all of sports. These are the same people who believe that there's a baseball diamond somewhere out in a corn field in Iowa, and that Roy Hobbs actually played in MLB. For whatever reason, baseball purists believe that the game was totally clean and innocent until the '80s came along, and guys like Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco started sullying its good name. They couldn't be more off base. Baseball, like most every sport, has always been surrounded by controversy, and guys like Pete Rose, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and every amphetamines user of the 1970s brought down the game well before Canseco or McGwire ever could. The steroid saga is just another black-eye on baseball's long history, and it's certainly nothing new.

We hope that no one is still trying to sell themselves on this. Let's be clear: your high school physics teacher is probably in better shape than a guy like Tony Stewart, and if we really start defining NASCAR drivers as "athletes" then we're going to start running into some slippery territory. An Olympic gold medal-winning swimmer? Definitely an athlete. A college basketball player? Without a doubt. Some guy sitting in a car for 500 laps around the track? Ehh...not as much. Don't get us wrong: driving well definitely requires its own sort of skill, but that's exactly the problem: it's just a skill. Navigating traffic while talking on the phone is a skill. Even hitting free throws is just a skill. But in sports like baseball, football, or basketball, there's always a point where a human's athletic ability becomes a part of the equation to winning. You can't say the same in NASCAR.

It's easy to think that your coach isn't a bad guy when he's leading your team to the playoffs year after year, despite being one of the most reviled personalities in his league (see: Jim Harbaugh, or 2010 Rex Ryan). But don't try and tell us that the things that make him so controversial don't also make him totally unbearable. Winning is something that takes a strong personality to execute. We aren't denying that. But there's a difference between being a leader, and being a totally insufferable egomaniac. It's usually as simple as this: if your coach is the one making all the headlines, as opposed to the guys actually going out there and playing the game, then he's probably getting a little too busy running his mouth off. Defend him all you want, but you know it's the truth.

This applies primarily to baseball, but it's also a hard truth that we have to accept in the NFL, cycling and even the NBA, as well. You thought that Ray Lewis' remarkable comeback from a torn triceps injury was just through some hardwork and good doctors? Ehh. And, well, you know the story with guys like Barry Bonds or Lance Armstrong. Steroid use is just a fact of modern sports, and the faster we get used to that, the better. Cheating certainly shouldn't be allowed in any contest, but we don't need to act like our innocence has been taken from us every single time a new scandal comes to light. That's just how the game goes, people.

Yes, the USC football teams of the early aughts, or John Calipari's national championship-winning UK squad may have been loaded from top to bottom, but c'mon, if you actually believe that they could hang with a professional team—even one as bad as the Charlotte Bobcats or the Jacksonville Jaguars—then you should get your head checked. Even the most prolific college stars need at least one training camp and a few games to really get their legs accustomed to the big leagues. And remember: those kids may be stars when they're on campus, but once they have to enter the harsher realities of the pro game, half of them will fail to catch on, a few will stay on as backups, and an even smaller amount will actually live up to their potential. Throwing them into the fire for a one-off game against a seasoned, pro squad? It'd be like a chimpanzee trying to face-off with King Kong. Well, any chimp but this one. Too soon?

See also: things you've never heard a Cleveland Browns fan say. With every upcoming season, hope springs anew that this will be the year that your team breaks through for a title. It's the beginning of the season, and everyone is 0-0. Anything can happen, right? Ehhh...not so much. We all know that there are certain things that just can't be predicted in sports. For instance, no one could've foreseen three different rookie quarterbacks leading their teams to the postseason in 2012. Unfortunately though, more often than not, it's pretty easy to tell when the upcoming season isn't going to result in a title for your team. At the end of the day, you just have to be honest with yourself. There's only one winner, and it's probably not your guys.